Perseverance

 Sometimes things just suck. When I look at myself - I think if God put a person by a word...I would be right beside the word perseverance. 

I don't want this post to be depressing, but no promises. 

I am grateful that this word really does describe me. I do know rewards come on the other side of perseverance. I am just really not enjoying this leg of the race. 

For every negative truth I'm getting ready to write.....there are SO many more blessings and I know that. For whatever reason, all I really want to do right now is write this.  For that, I'm sure God will use it to bless someone. Praise God for how he does that!

I'm not really sure if describing the last two years-ish of my life as major change on multiple levels covers it, but for now.....I'll go with it. 

Maybe the most ground-shaking for me was my Dad dying. Even though I believe with all my heart that God is using him right now and he is in a much better place.....and ultimately we are to, I have changed. I'm not entirely sure how and I don't believe the change is complete. What I do know is that I am learning a lot more about myself and the people around me. I feel an overwhelming relief on some layer of my being and I don't know how to be in a state of relief. It doesn't feel right. I also have moments where I REALLY grieve his presence, his advice, the lessons that he taught us. Lately, I've been spending quite a bit of time appreciating the lessons he taught us and how they have shaped our lives. 

The next momentous change in my life has been what I have described several ways, (it depends on the day): 

-A slow crumble to the foundation & then standing in the middle not knowing where and how to rebuild.

-A shaking out of all that needed to be and pivoting with more tools than when I started.

-A next level transition period that has been my most overwhelming to date, as a business owner.

-A pause, looking up and being surrounded by all the decisions I made, bad & good and needing to JUST STOP, and take an accounting of my goals and priorities. 

-A COMPLETE CHANGE from how I do things to how I will do things and just getting geared up for the journey.....and already being wiped out. 

My priorities and my business are morphing and......I'm in the gap. I've gone from having 15+/- employees to me....where I started & by choice and necessity. Making choices....even if they are the best ones for you are not always pleasant or easy. 

These are the two MOST momentous, however.....we go to the next layer.

I've lost a couple other people this year that took the wind out of me. Randy "The Lone Wolf" Martin from Texas Flip'N'Move and Wendy that has worked on the Texas Cotton Gin Fundraising Committee for the last several years. A sadness still comes over me as I type this. I'm not sad for them. They both KNEW Jesus and LOVED HIM BIG. I'm sad for myself, the people in their lives and that their people are hurting. Also....because I want to do or say more, but I, nor anyone else, can be or do anything other than be ourselves and just keep going. Really....there is just a sadness that I am carrying and I know it will get lighter. I'm blessed these beautiful people were a part of my life and I will miss their light. They were lights for me. 

I completed my 6th year on the Texas Association Board of Directors and could not be at the convention, because Dad was on the decline and I was needed at home. I'm really not sure why this has been SO hard for me. I really did enjoy serving. It was time for me to take a break, but I was really looking forward to seeing my auction family and it slightly feels like something is missing....even though I know it is not. 

Markets, across the board, in all the industries I serve, are changing. In real estate we came off of a fast and furious, hard to keep up kind of atmosphere....to one that has drastically slowed down. Personal property has been a completely different animal since during/after the COVID outbreak, and Fundraising has had a positive incline, but components are changing. Covid changed people and anyone that works in an industry dealing with the public has felt that. 

This next layer makes me feel like I am whining, but when part of your livlihood is getting up in front of people and a dental implant procedure that is supposed to take 8 months, winds up taking 2+ years (has nothing to do with the provider) because an under the gum infection requires you to start over and you juggle a mouthpiece, missing tooth, and chipping veneers.....You just don't want to sometimes.

As this backstory is going on there are some SUPER POSITIVE things that are happening in our lives, which helps me to KNOW.....that although the backstory looks like a hot mess, GOOD is coming from it & GOD IS GOOD. I get lost sometimes in whether or not these are attacks from the enemy or if God is allowing them to bring me closer to who He has created me to be. Either way....PERSEVERANCE will get me to the other side. I might be wore out and dog tired, but I will get there. 

And you know....what it interesting about this place is that, after I allow myself to feel, relief happens and new energy is born. The truth is, we all have these wrestles and we all have wrestles that pile up on top of us. It doesn't make them any easier knowing that, and because we've all been through it, we should work on really offering grace to others in the gap. 

I had a friend call me yesterday. By all accounts, he looks like he is killin' it in life and in business. Bottom line....we shared our burdens, and while our burdens weren't the same; we were able to listen and share openly and honestly with one another. He is killin' it, but he's also needing a pause. It's taken some self-discovery  to accept that both of those things can be true simultaneously, but it is so. We can ROCK & be tired at the same time. Being tired doesn't make you less than who you are. It shows you are human and allows you to relate to other humans. It also teaches you lessons that YOU MUST GO THROUGH to get to the NEXT LEVEL God has planned for you. You can mourn the person....the business...the dream of who you were, while you are getting stronger and stepping more firmly into the place God is holding for you. God wastes NOTHING! 

FOLKS, it is REALLY important that we are nice to each other right now. While there might be a picture of me beside perseverance, everybody's won't be. I've talked about one of my managers before. He used to tell me that I seem to always do multiple high stress things at the same time. It is just how things have fallen in my life. Over time I have learned just how abnormal that is. I wasn't even aware until he had brought it to my attention. While I am grateful for my own life experience, helping me in this... just......ever-changing place I have found myself in ---- it would be a REALLY hard place to navigate without experience, without faith, and without perseverance. 

I truly do pray that this helps somebody in some way. Although it is overwhelmingly transparent on my end, it also feels VERY good to put this out into the atmosphere. Holy Spirit, take it where You will, in Jesus Name. Amen!

God has a Message in the Mountains

 It's been 3 months since I took a break from my second journey through The Bible. The first time, I read it cover to cover. This time, I am reading some of the Old Testament, Some of the New Testament, and some of the Psalms. 

As I opened up my journal and looked at my notes from my last entry, I wrote: "Pay attention to the mountains. God has a message in the mountains." 

Because of my walk with Jesus, I know nothing is a coincidence. God encourages in many different ways and he knew I would need this today.

The last several months have been overwhelming to say the least. I had a boss one time that told me, when I make a change it involves most of the biggest stressors in life at one time. Example: Getting a new job, getting married, moving. He said it to me again when I was pregnant, moving again, changing jobs. Then one last time (before I went to another company) when: my Dad was in the hospital, I was pregnant, moving, & changing jobs once again...and trying to sell our house. 

Those are mountains to me. Lots of life-changing/altering events accumulating and building up to the other side. ALWAYS the steeper the climb, the more fun the slide. 

As I look back at life - (which is one of the messages the Good Lord has reminded me of the last several months), I can see his divine appointment. I can see the doors and windows he strategically shut, that I continued to try and crawl through and walk through....even beat down sometimes. He is patient with us & He calls us to be patient. 

Last week, I was reaching that weary place. I was believing that it would get better, but getting tired, wanting to know when, & what I NEEDED TO DO. My Bible was beside my bed & I went, picked it up, opened it randomly, and read a piece out of the Book of Job.

I've always had a weird relationship with that book. Even now I cringe some to think about all he had to endure. Even now, as I type this, I see myself drifting back to all the loss and hardship KNOWING that he was blessed with double of what he had. Mainly, I think about the relationships. I think about his friends THINKING THAT THEY WERE HELPING, but emotionally beating Job up more. I honed in last week on Job's friends being called to be obedient in their sin, repent, and to have Job pray for them. Job had to forgive them also. Once he brought offerings to the alter and prayed for them, God began the PROCESS of restoring Job. As I sit here typing this, I find myself wondering - what if one of his friends was not obedient? What if none of them were? 

I'm fairly certain the answer is: God will find another way or create another way. I come to this conclusion based on just how many doors the Good Lord has shut for me, to get to where He's trying to get me. 

Now to get to the meat of my thoughts....

I didn't really look at all of those life-changing periods as mountains until I was able to look back. Now, I KNOW that I am in the middle of a climb and it is the biggest mountain I have ever taken on. The thing about God's mountains is that you  don't even know you are on them, until you are. I have related this before to riding a horse that starts to buck....especially when you climb on one, not really knowing what to expect. When it unwinds, you just do what you naturally know to do to stay on. You will either ride it through or fall off - in which case, I would get back on and start again. We can always get back on and start again. 

On this mountain of mine I find myself opting for paths of least resistance. It is less about making something happen and more about riding through the jump or pausing for a moment on the climb and paying attention to what is around me. I'm not so much focused on making something stop as I am at seeing where - whatever is happening is taking me. 

Currently, my Dad's health has experienced quite the decline. I find myself concerned for him and also concerned for my Mom, my Uncle, what life looks for all of us after/if he gets out of the hospital. Before his health started to drastically decline I was in the process of transforming my business.....out of more necessity than desire. Although there were some EXTREMELY hard doors I had to close and leave closed, I know the Good Lord needs them closed. He needs them closed for the plan He has for ME and the plan He has for those that I had to close the doors on. The story of Job reminds us that we will not always like what we experience. We won't always want to, but He's calling us to. I also know, in my life experience, sometimes you miss the call or you don't recognize the call. If we keep pursuing Him, He will show us another way or make one. 

We've had some other high-level stressors going on in our world and I have to say....when I reached that weary place, I felt like Job. When all of his servants came to tell him about all the calamaties they witnessed. He had no way to address them all, some just were, and some just had to be. He was doused with hardship, like waves coming over the top of you, just barely able to maintain air to breath. Feeling aimless to a degree because things were changing so quickly and you didn't expect it, much less have the ability to have any kind of plan in place on how to cope. 

My husband came up with something one day as we were brainstorming my business pivot and, as time has gone on, The Good Lord has given be consistent reminders of the premise of the message.... "Be You." When I feel like writing a blog, but I'm not sure what to write, I get that gentle nudge of "be you." When I'm numb with grieving and feel like....& may be an asshole, I get that gentle nudge of "be you." When I feel a deep sadness for a big chunk of my life becoming a memory and want to cry and scream and sleep, I get that gentle nudge of "be you." Some of this stuff really sucks, but it is also real feelings. 

I do believe that part of my "Now," is to share how I cope in those "be you" moments. I'm not sure what The Good Lord is going to do with them, but I don't need to. I'm....riding the wave, pausing as the rocks slide down the mountainside, riding through the jump and then reacting....naturally.

Here I am.....having moments of hyper-focus and moments of authentic funk. Buck Up Baby & Ride With Jesus! It won't always be fun, but it will always be worth it. When I was reading through Psalms three months ago & wrote about the different mountains and how there was more of a message in the mountains, than just the mountain itself....the location; little did I know the journey I was about to embark on was going to provide meaning to that thought.