It's been 3 months since I took a break from my second journey through The Bible. The first time, I read it cover to cover. This time, I am reading some of the Old Testament, Some of the New Testament, and some of the Psalms.
As I opened up my journal and looked at my notes from my last entry, I wrote: "Pay attention to the mountains. God has a message in the mountains."
Because of my walk with Jesus, I know nothing is a coincidence. God encourages in many different ways and he knew I would need this today.
The last several months have been overwhelming to say the least. I had a boss one time that told me, when I make a change it involves most of the biggest stressors in life at one time. Example: Getting a new job, getting married, moving. He said it to me again when I was pregnant, moving again, changing jobs. Then one last time (before I went to another company) when: my Dad was in the hospital, I was pregnant, moving, & changing jobs once again...and trying to sell our house.
Those are mountains to me. Lots of life-changing/altering events accumulating and building up to the other side. ALWAYS the steeper the climb, the more fun the slide.
As I look back at life - (which is one of the messages the Good Lord has reminded me of the last several months), I can see his divine appointment. I can see the doors and windows he strategically shut, that I continued to try and crawl through and walk through....even beat down sometimes. He is patient with us & He calls us to be patient.
Last week, I was reaching that weary place. I was believing that it would get better, but getting tired, wanting to know when, & what I NEEDED TO DO. My Bible was beside my bed & I went, picked it up, opened it randomly, and read a piece out of the Book of Job.
I've always had a weird relationship with that book. Even now I cringe some to think about all he had to endure. Even now, as I type this, I see myself drifting back to all the loss and hardship KNOWING that he was blessed with double of what he had. Mainly, I think about the relationships. I think about his friends THINKING THAT THEY WERE HELPING, but emotionally beating Job up more. I honed in last week on Job's friends being called to be obedient in their sin, repent, and to have Job pray for them. Job had to forgive them also. Once he brought offerings to the alter and prayed for them, God began the PROCESS of restoring Job. As I sit here typing this, I find myself wondering - what if one of his friends was not obedient? What if none of them were?
I'm fairly certain the answer is: God will find another way or create another way. I come to this conclusion based on just how many doors the Good Lord has shut for me, to get to where He's trying to get me.
Now to get to the meat of my thoughts....
I didn't really look at all of those life-changing periods as mountains until I was able to look back. Now, I KNOW that I am in the middle of a climb and it is the biggest mountain I have ever taken on. The thing about God's mountains is that you don't even know you are on them, until you are. I have related this before to riding a horse that starts to buck....especially when you climb on one, not really knowing what to expect. When it unwinds, you just do what you naturally know to do to stay on. You will either ride it through or fall off - in which case, I would get back on and start again. We can always get back on and start again.
On this mountain of mine I find myself opting for paths of least resistance. It is less about making something happen and more about riding through the jump or pausing for a moment on the climb and paying attention to what is around me. I'm not so much focused on making something stop as I am at seeing where - whatever is happening is taking me.
Currently, my Dad's health has experienced quite the decline. I find myself concerned for him and also concerned for my Mom, my Uncle, what life looks for all of us after/if he gets out of the hospital. Before his health started to drastically decline I was in the process of transforming my business.....out of more necessity than desire. Although there were some EXTREMELY hard doors I had to close and leave closed, I know the Good Lord needs them closed. He needs them closed for the plan He has for ME and the plan He has for those that I had to close the doors on. The story of Job reminds us that we will not always like what we experience. We won't always want to, but He's calling us to. I also know, in my life experience, sometimes you miss the call or you don't recognize the call. If we keep pursuing Him, He will show us another way or make one.
We've had some other high-level stressors going on in our world and I have to say....when I reached that weary place, I felt like Job. When all of his servants came to tell him about all the calamaties they witnessed. He had no way to address them all, some just were, and some just had to be. He was doused with hardship, like waves coming over the top of you, just barely able to maintain air to breath. Feeling aimless to a degree because things were changing so quickly and you didn't expect it, much less have the ability to have any kind of plan in place on how to cope.
My husband came up with something one day as we were brainstorming my business pivot and, as time has gone on, The Good Lord has given be consistent reminders of the premise of the message.... "Be You." When I feel like writing a blog, but I'm not sure what to write, I get that gentle nudge of "be you." When I'm numb with grieving and feel like....& may be an asshole, I get that gentle nudge of "be you." When I feel a deep sadness for a big chunk of my life becoming a memory and want to cry and scream and sleep, I get that gentle nudge of "be you." Some of this stuff really sucks, but it is also real feelings.
I do believe that part of my "Now," is to share how I cope in those "be you" moments. I'm not sure what The Good Lord is going to do with them, but I don't need to. I'm....riding the wave, pausing as the rocks slide down the mountainside, riding through the jump and then reacting....naturally.
Here I am.....having moments of hyper-focus and moments of authentic funk. Buck Up Baby & Ride With Jesus! It won't always be fun, but it will always be worth it. When I was reading through Psalms three months ago & wrote about the different mountains and how there was more of a message in the mountains, than just the mountain itself....the location; little did I know the journey I was about to embark on was going to provide meaning to that thought.
