Anxiety.....a wilderness all it's own.

 This week, when I meditate on things I have learned in my Bible study, what seems to keep coming to the surface and linking back to others situations and people is......my anxiety. 

It's really a weird thing for me to talk about. I feel like talking about it gives it power, but really....not talking about it gives it power. I don't want people to see a weakness in me, and I REALLY wrestle because MY. ENTIRE. LIFE. I have found ways to function & talking about it was weakness....whining, not being tough.....& believe me being "tough" was VERY important to me.

My anxiety had to reach a level that I physically felt a loss of control. That happened with me, when I had a mild panic attack when my son told me something. We were getting ready to go somewhere & he simply told me that he had already grabbed his brother's bag. In my mind, I knew that all was okay & was not alarmed, BUT MY BODY reacted differently. My heart started beating, I got short of breath, slightly dizzy, and had to lay down and allow my body to settle down. 

Everyone's anxiety is different. We may have the same symptoms, but different triggers. I don't necessarily look at it as an illness or a condition, & maybe it is....maybe I should. I consider it a cross that is mine to bear & Jesus will carry it with me, until I get to the other side....redemption from anxiety. 

We've been talking about "the desert" a lot lately. Today, as I was having a REAL wrestle with anxiety, I realized that anxiety attacks (my term) are very much "the desert." For me, that wrestle included: frustration, feelings of inadequacy (mainly regarding my judgement) - which made me question my past judgement, second-guessing of my decisions - which then took me down a rabbit hole of second-guessing decisions on a completely unrelated topic half a decade ago, crying - to get the frenzy of emotions out, REALLY not wanting to interact with people.... (I'm not sure if it was because of how annoyed I was or I was concerned about my ability to be a pleasant person towards them.) Once I felt the fury of emotions dying down, I felt exhausted. So exhausted that I did not think I was going to want to do much of anything the rest of the day. My friends....THIS is why depression is linked with anxiety.

I am SO grateful for my Jesus. I know, for a fact, a "desert" moment, the summer between my Freshman & Sophomore year in high school, I. FOUND. JESUS. He met me in the desert. My desert. I have wrestled with anxiety EVERY. DAY. of my life. I never called it that. I just lived. I just coped. I just found a way. I remember where I was in my room when I CRIED & prayed & sat on my floor and had a conversation with Jesus for HOURS & asked Him to help me make sense of things. I asked Him to be with me moment by moment, in school, when things were said or done that I didn't understand. 

I am SO grateful for Jesus, because that day....He showed me HOPE instead of despair and confusion and frenzy. He was FAITHFUL to me. Today, after I had my anxiety attack, I felt my body level back out & instead of turning on myself criticizing & self-analyzing myself, I welcomed Jesus. I listened to what He had to say. HE BRINGS HOPE. Truly, TRULY....I do not know where I would be today, if I had not found Him. 

Knowing and understanding how my mind works has made a TREMENDOUS difference in my life. I suppose I finally reached a point where I laid my ego down...and accepted the help versus being "tough" and handling it myself. 

The biggest thing I want people to take away from this blog is: To someone with anxiety, EVERYTHING MATTERS & EVERYONE MATTERS. I look back at my life & I can tell you.... FOR. A. FACT.... my anxiety & me not knowing how to manage it, has made me a real asshole sometimes. (I don't know another word that sums things up, quite like that one.) I spout out words that I have not processed, but have shot out based on MY emotions & insecurities. I get in defense mode because that is the message my brain tells my body. (Praise Jesus I have learned more about sorting those messages out.) My intensity has been misinterpreted more than once. My anxiety pulls my attention in, with a laser-like focus. It can be so intense for others. It's like corners can't be cut....AT ALL. EVERY. SINGLE. DETAIL. is important. In my anxiety attacks, the words, actions, and reactions of others is perceived with a heightened INTENSITY. It just happens. I have to deal with it, AFTER I experience it. I can't speak for everyone with anxiety....only myself, but I do NOT want to hurt anyone EVER. I want to make EVERYONE happy. I want to HELP anyway I can. When I am focused in I will go above and beyond & back again to find a way and make a way....& I WILL find a way. I will chase after multiple ideas to a state of exhaustion.....which I now know to pay attention to. 

You can not FULLY understand a person's anxiety. You can not tell them how they should be or what they should do. They are MOST LIKELY trying with all they've got to get there already because they WANT to make you happy, leave you satisfied, earn your respect, prove their worth. We have to figure ourselves out. What makes us tick? What are our triggers? When we should remove ourselves from a situation? 

I'm sure someone in your life suffers from anxiety. Buck Up Baby & Ride With Jesus! HELP your people find Jesus. I can tell you....without Jesus, by now the weight that comes with anxiety would be SO overwhelming. Almost unbearable. Help them cope & introduce them to Jesus. God Bless. 

May We All Have the Courage to Find Jesus in the Desert

In Exodus 3:1-10 Moses was watching Jethro, his father-in-law's, sheep. God appeared to him in a burning bush. Our Bible study, this week, has challenged us to listen for God in the desert. I caught myself trying to replace the word "desert" with "wilderness."

The "wilderness" to me is beautiful. There are trees and grass and streams and breezes....places to seclude ourselves and enjoy nature. That is not what I think about when I think about the desert. I think of sand and wind and sand getting in my eyes and mouth and having limited beauty of creation to enjoy and surely no place to hide or seclude ourselves. 

I knew God wanted me to mediate on the "desert" and not the "wilderness." In my flesh I did not want to, but in my spirit I truly long for the moments, like Moses received in the desert. How amazing to witness a burning bush, that would not burn away & to hear the voice of God speaking DIRECTLY to him. God longing for his attention so deeply, that he created a wonder, that drew his attention and then spoke a message that He knew Moses would never forget. There were very limited distractions, allowing the message God had for him to be much clearer. It makes the desert seem like an okay place. 

As I continue to meditate on this....the thoughts that keep coming to mind, is just. how. hard. walking through the desert is. 

When I think figuratively about the desert...I think about being alone. I think about wandering. I think about being delirious with nothing and the continual motion of nothing. I think about traveling long periods of time and seeing nothing. 

But then...when I think about FINALLY seeing SOMETHING in the desert I imagine latching on, exploring, looking at EVERY detail, being encouraged, rejuvinated...

I've been in the desert before....figuratively.....(and literally in New Mexico). It is ALL the things I have listed above.

Right now.....not giving into trying to be warm and fuzzy about things....what comes to mind about MY experience in the desert is...it was EXHAUSTING. I was forced to take a hard look at myself and correct my way of thinking to be more in line with God's word & not the ways of the world. I'm talking stripping down strongholds that would seem relatively normal, like working hard and working well & calling it the things it can be....an idol, distraction, an excuse... I don't always like what I see in the desert. I don't always understand the things in the desert. I don't always want to do the things God calls me to do in the desert, and not because I want to disobey Him....but because I don't feel ready. It makes my soul weary & although I can tell you that it does this to me, I can't tell you why, because each journey through the desert is different. The journey helps us understand the message, but we don't know what the message is, until we journey through the desert. 

So, right now, today....the dessert is about FAITH & OBEDIENCE & WONDER.

Not knowing what is ahead may not be exhausting to everyone, but it is exhausting to me. I'm in the desert right now and I'm exhausted. I know He is preparing me, but for what - I do not know. I do trust Him for only good things. I believe that what I will find in the desert will be so clear and amazing, that it will make the journey worth it.  My friends....that does not mean I enjoy the journey.

This is proof that you can love something, without actually enjoying it. 

What I can also tell you about my last walk in the desert is; I am SO glad I took the journey. It FOREVER changed my life & made my life much fuller than my vision, at the time, would allow. That is also how I know I will get serious about this journey & latch on, when God presents the opportunity.

Saddle up for the HARD ride. Buck up baby & ride with Jesus! It may be hard, but He promises to get us to the other side.