Sometimes things just suck. When I look at myself - I think if God put a person by a word...I would be right beside the word perseverance.
I don't want this post to be depressing, but no promises.
I am grateful that this word really does describe me. I do know rewards come on the other side of perseverance. I am just really not enjoying this leg of the race.
For every negative truth I'm getting ready to write.....there are SO many more blessings and I know that. For whatever reason, all I really want to do right now is write this. For that, I'm sure God will use it to bless someone. Praise God for how he does that!
I'm not really sure if describing the last two years-ish of my life as major change on multiple levels covers it, but for now.....I'll go with it.
Maybe the most ground-shaking for me was my Dad dying. Even though I believe with all my heart that God is using him right now and he is in a much better place.....and ultimately we are to, I have changed. I'm not entirely sure how and I don't believe the change is complete. What I do know is that I am learning a lot more about myself and the people around me. I feel an overwhelming relief on some layer of my being and I don't know how to be in a state of relief. It doesn't feel right. I also have moments where I REALLY grieve his presence, his advice, the lessons that he taught us. Lately, I've been spending quite a bit of time appreciating the lessons he taught us and how they have shaped our lives.
The next momentous change in my life has been what I have described several ways, (it depends on the day):
-A slow crumble to the foundation & then standing in the middle not knowing where and how to rebuild.
-A shaking out of all that needed to be and pivoting with more tools than when I started.
-A next level transition period that has been my most overwhelming to date, as a business owner.
-A pause, looking up and being surrounded by all the decisions I made, bad & good and needing to JUST STOP, and take an accounting of my goals and priorities.
-A COMPLETE CHANGE from how I do things to how I will do things and just getting geared up for the journey.....and already being wiped out.
My priorities and my business are morphing and......I'm in the gap. I've gone from having 15+/- employees to me....where I started & by choice and necessity. Making choices....even if they are the best ones for you are not always pleasant or easy.
These are the two MOST momentous, however.....we go to the next layer.
I've lost a couple other people this year that took the wind out of me. Randy "The Lone Wolf" Martin from Texas Flip'N'Move and Wendy that has worked on the Texas Cotton Gin Fundraising Committee for the last several years. A sadness still comes over me as I type this. I'm not sad for them. They both KNEW Jesus and LOVED HIM BIG. I'm sad for myself, the people in their lives and that their people are hurting. Also....because I want to do or say more, but I, nor anyone else, can be or do anything other than be ourselves and just keep going. Really....there is just a sadness that I am carrying and I know it will get lighter. I'm blessed these beautiful people were a part of my life and I will miss their light. They were lights for me.
I completed my 6th year on the Texas Association Board of Directors and could not be at the convention, because Dad was on the decline and I was needed at home. I'm really not sure why this has been SO hard for me. I really did enjoy serving. It was time for me to take a break, but I was really looking forward to seeing my auction family and it slightly feels like something is missing....even though I know it is not.
Markets, across the board, in all the industries I serve, are changing. In real estate we came off of a fast and furious, hard to keep up kind of atmosphere....to one that has drastically slowed down. Personal property has been a completely different animal since during/after the COVID outbreak, and Fundraising has had a positive incline, but components are changing. Covid changed people and anyone that works in an industry dealing with the public has felt that.
This next layer makes me feel like I am whining, but when part of your livlihood is getting up in front of people and a dental implant procedure that is supposed to take 8 months, winds up taking 2+ years (has nothing to do with the provider) because an under the gum infection requires you to start over and you juggle a mouthpiece, missing tooth, and chipping veneers.....You just don't want to sometimes.
As this backstory is going on there are some SUPER POSITIVE things that are happening in our lives, which helps me to KNOW.....that although the backstory looks like a hot mess, GOOD is coming from it & GOD IS GOOD. I get lost sometimes in whether or not these are attacks from the enemy or if God is allowing them to bring me closer to who He has created me to be. Either way....PERSEVERANCE will get me to the other side. I might be wore out and dog tired, but I will get there.
And you know....what it interesting about this place is that, after I allow myself to feel, relief happens and new energy is born. The truth is, we all have these wrestles and we all have wrestles that pile up on top of us. It doesn't make them any easier knowing that, and because we've all been through it, we should work on really offering grace to others in the gap.
I had a friend call me yesterday. By all accounts, he looks like he is killin' it in life and in business. Bottom line....we shared our burdens, and while our burdens weren't the same; we were able to listen and share openly and honestly with one another. He is killin' it, but he's also needing a pause. It's taken some self-discovery to accept that both of those things can be true simultaneously, but it is so. We can ROCK & be tired at the same time. Being tired doesn't make you less than who you are. It shows you are human and allows you to relate to other humans. It also teaches you lessons that YOU MUST GO THROUGH to get to the NEXT LEVEL God has planned for you. You can mourn the person....the business...the dream of who you were, while you are getting stronger and stepping more firmly into the place God is holding for you. God wastes NOTHING!
FOLKS, it is REALLY important that we are nice to each other right now. While there might be a picture of me beside perseverance, everybody's won't be. I've talked about one of my managers before. He used to tell me that I seem to always do multiple high stress things at the same time. It is just how things have fallen in my life. Over time I have learned just how abnormal that is. I wasn't even aware until he had brought it to my attention. While I am grateful for my own life experience, helping me in this... just......ever-changing place I have found myself in ---- it would be a REALLY hard place to navigate without experience, without faith, and without perseverance.
I truly do pray that this helps somebody in some way. Although it is overwhelmingly transparent on my end, it also feels VERY good to put this out into the atmosphere. Holy Spirit, take it where You will, in Jesus Name. Amen!
