Angst from Jesus's Perspective - Luke 22:40-44

Easter....the Easter season has seemed so pivotal and transformational to me for the last several years. I KNOW it was, when Jesus finished the work on the cross, but EVERY Easter season for the last....10 years...approximately, I have found myself examining another layer of the importance of the work Jesus did. 

This year, I found myself pondering the angst Jesus experienced....throughout, but mainly before the crucifixion. From the book of Luke:

I don't know if any of you have felt angst. I have on a couple of occasions. Angst is irrational, but the feelings of worry, confusion, feeling lost, aware that whatever could or is getting ready to happen WILL completely change the trajectory of what you know and....the other side of it is....abrupt and swift and NOTHING in life will ever be how it is in the current state of angst. It is like a deep, dreadful......all-encompassing panicked moment of deep mourning BEFORE the change arrives. 

As I transported myself as an observer into this very situation on the Mount of Olives... I imagine Jesus encouraging the disciples to pray, but almost having that feeling of....they are on their own because I need to get myself right. I believe He still very-much cared for them in that moment, but He needed to also care for Himself in that moment.

I can't imagine, in His flesh, that He totally understood why there was not another way....why He had to endure THE WORST FORM OF HUMAN PUNISHMENT known to man, at that time. I imagine Him being so sick to His stomach & weak with worry & also being concerned about discouraging the disciples, while in His current state. 

He KNEW His flesh was going to die and that He would feel every bit of the dying process....every bit of earthly life leaving His body. He imagined what it would feel like. He imagined the pain. He imagined EVERYTHING that was coming ahead. You know....in our flesh....we imagine things much worse than they wind up happening. 

Somehow, as I pondered from this perspective, I came to realize that: Yes. Jesus was crucified on the cross because He loves us & He wanted to save us & join us to Him. But I believe, His FINAL earthly YES was because of His overwhelming LOVE FOR GOD. He was not obedient to us. He was obedient to God. I believe the angel God sent, eased Jesus's worries. I believe that God intervened when He did because of His love for Jesus and His love for us. I believe that Jesus was able to take that massive step of obedient faith because He knew God loved Him and whatever was on the other side of all. that. pain. WAS BETTER. God gave Him the mission. God gave Him the purpose. God gave Him the willingness. God gave Him the way. God gave Him the strength. AND God delivered on His promise. 

He said the most scary, FAITHFUL, obedient YES to God, in history. 

Sitting with this, really strengthens something in me. I don't know what. For sure, my relationships with The Holy Trinity, but also something else. 

If you have never said a fearful yes, to God's call; I encourage you to do it. That yes that Jesus said, is BY FAR the scariest yes I can imagine. I mean......Jesus KNEW that He would lead others like: Peter, Jude, Paul, Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, James, James (son of Zebedee), Bartholomew, Andrew, and so many more, down this painful path - by saying His yes. He said yes to torture, ridicule, pain, mental and emotional strife, betrayal, and He also said YES to LIFE for us all FOREVER. They ALL did. He walked through death, so it would have no hold on us. Whatever we suffer, if we have faith in God, the other side will be better. Buck Up Baby & Ride With Jesus! SAY that fearFUL YES!

Perseverance

 Sometimes things just suck. When I look at myself - I think if God put a person by a word...I would be right beside the word perseverance. 

I don't want this post to be depressing, but no promises. 

I am grateful that this word really does describe me. I do know rewards come on the other side of perseverance. I am just really not enjoying this leg of the race. 

For every negative truth I'm getting ready to write.....there are SO many more blessings and I know that. For whatever reason, all I really want to do right now is write this.  For that, I'm sure God will use it to bless someone. Praise God for how he does that!

I'm not really sure if describing the last two years-ish of my life as major change on multiple levels covers it, but for now.....I'll go with it. 

Maybe the most ground-shaking for me was my Dad dying. Even though I believe with all my heart that God is using him right now and he is in a much better place.....and ultimately we are to, I have changed. I'm not entirely sure how and I don't believe the change is complete. What I do know is that I am learning a lot more about myself and the people around me. I feel an overwhelming relief on some layer of my being and I don't know how to be in a state of relief. It doesn't feel right. I also have moments where I REALLY grieve his presence, his advice, the lessons that he taught us. Lately, I've been spending quite a bit of time appreciating the lessons he taught us and how they have shaped our lives. 

The next momentous change in my life has been what I have described several ways, (it depends on the day): 

-A slow crumble to the foundation & then standing in the middle not knowing where and how to rebuild.

-A shaking out of all that needed to be and pivoting with more tools than when I started.

-A next level transition period that has been my most overwhelming to date, as a business owner.

-A pause, looking up and being surrounded by all the decisions I made, bad & good and needing to JUST STOP, and take an accounting of my goals and priorities. 

-A COMPLETE CHANGE from how I do things to how I will do things and just getting geared up for the journey.....and already being wiped out. 

My priorities and my business are morphing and......I'm in the gap. I've gone from having 15+/- employees to me....where I started & by choice and necessity. Making choices....even if they are the best ones for you are not always pleasant or easy. 

These are the two MOST momentous, however.....we go to the next layer.

I've lost a couple other people this year that took the wind out of me. Randy "The Lone Wolf" Martin from Texas Flip'N'Move and Wendy that has worked on the Texas Cotton Gin Fundraising Committee for the last several years. A sadness still comes over me as I type this. I'm not sad for them. They both KNEW Jesus and LOVED HIM BIG. I'm sad for myself, the people in their lives and that their people are hurting. Also....because I want to do or say more, but I, nor anyone else, can be or do anything other than be ourselves and just keep going. Really....there is just a sadness that I am carrying and I know it will get lighter. I'm blessed these beautiful people were a part of my life and I will miss their light. They were lights for me. 

I completed my 6th year on the Texas Association Board of Directors and could not be at the convention, because Dad was on the decline and I was needed at home. I'm really not sure why this has been SO hard for me. I really did enjoy serving. It was time for me to take a break, but I was really looking forward to seeing my auction family and it slightly feels like something is missing....even though I know it is not. 

Markets, across the board, in all the industries I serve, are changing. In real estate we came off of a fast and furious, hard to keep up kind of atmosphere....to one that has drastically slowed down. Personal property has been a completely different animal since during/after the COVID outbreak, and Fundraising has had a positive incline, but components are changing. Covid changed people and anyone that works in an industry dealing with the public has felt that. 

This next layer makes me feel like I am whining, but when part of your livlihood is getting up in front of people and a dental implant procedure that is supposed to take 8 months, winds up taking 2+ years (has nothing to do with the provider) because an under the gum infection requires you to start over and you juggle a mouthpiece, missing tooth, and chipping veneers.....You just don't want to sometimes.

As this backstory is going on there are some SUPER POSITIVE things that are happening in our lives, which helps me to KNOW.....that although the backstory looks like a hot mess, GOOD is coming from it & GOD IS GOOD. I get lost sometimes in whether or not these are attacks from the enemy or if God is allowing them to bring me closer to who He has created me to be. Either way....PERSEVERANCE will get me to the other side. I might be wore out and dog tired, but I will get there. 

And you know....what it interesting about this place is that, after I allow myself to feel, relief happens and new energy is born. The truth is, we all have these wrestles and we all have wrestles that pile up on top of us. It doesn't make them any easier knowing that, and because we've all been through it, we should work on really offering grace to others in the gap. 

I had a friend call me yesterday. By all accounts, he looks like he is killin' it in life and in business. Bottom line....we shared our burdens, and while our burdens weren't the same; we were able to listen and share openly and honestly with one another. He is killin' it, but he's also needing a pause. It's taken some self-discovery  to accept that both of those things can be true simultaneously, but it is so. We can ROCK & be tired at the same time. Being tired doesn't make you less than who you are. It shows you are human and allows you to relate to other humans. It also teaches you lessons that YOU MUST GO THROUGH to get to the NEXT LEVEL God has planned for you. You can mourn the person....the business...the dream of who you were, while you are getting stronger and stepping more firmly into the place God is holding for you. God wastes NOTHING! 

FOLKS, it is REALLY important that we are nice to each other right now. While there might be a picture of me beside perseverance, everybody's won't be. I've talked about one of my managers before. He used to tell me that I seem to always do multiple high stress things at the same time. It is just how things have fallen in my life. Over time I have learned just how abnormal that is. I wasn't even aware until he had brought it to my attention. While I am grateful for my own life experience, helping me in this... just......ever-changing place I have found myself in ---- it would be a REALLY hard place to navigate without experience, without faith, and without perseverance. 

I truly do pray that this helps somebody in some way. Although it is overwhelmingly transparent on my end, it also feels VERY good to put this out into the atmosphere. Holy Spirit, take it where You will, in Jesus Name. Amen!

I Just Need to Write...

I need to write. I need to dump....SOMETHING in this blog. I know the feeling I get when this needs to happen, but I don't always know what I'm supposed to type.

I'm funky....in a good way ;). I'm in a transition period, but I'm not quite sure what I'm transitioning into.

Which...you know...whatever. That's how God works.

I guess I can start with some of the lessons that have stuck out to me lately, as I'm making my way through the Bible. I'm in 2 Kings. Man....we've been jacked up for a looooooooooooooooong time.

Sin is nasty. Ego fuels sin AND gets in the way of God's plan. That being said....we need to know who we are and where we came from, but we need to stay on the road. Do not veer to the right or to the left. If we can find ourselves operating on FACTS and not on feelings, it would be a lot easier to do.

That being said...another set of facts that have become quite apparent to me is.... God will keep filling up vessels as long as he has a vessel to fill. HE will NEVER run out of His grace. He will run out of people saying yes to Him before He runs out of His grace.

Also....He always provides an opportunity and a way in times of trouble. ALWAYS. We just have to MOVE. We can not stay where trouble finds us. We have to search for Him....for HIS solution...His gift He has waiting on us.

One more thing.....God didn't take shortcuts back in Old Testament times & He doesn't take shortcuts now. Make no mistake....HE COULD, BUT....there is no glory in the shortcuts. He does not do this for Himself. He does this for us. He doesn't need this journey...we do.

In less than 5 days, there have been 2 people that I know, by all accounts of the flesh, that have left us too soon. It's hard for me to not be pissed. It's hard for me to NOT question God. God did not place us into a world of sin. We did & He still loves us. He is not taking shortcuts for our sake. As hard as it is for me to NOT be upset about the....mourning....that many of my friends will be going through.... I know there is grace in mourning. I also know that there is more past this life. Our life on earth is fleeting & I believe that. In the grand scheme of things...it is the blink of an eye, yet to us feels like an eternity. They are on the other side....(in my opinion) still making choices.....& God is STILL pouring grace into them, if they say YES. He will fill a vessel until there are no more vessels to be filled.

Damn it, be a vessel. Say yes to HIM....pissed off or joyous. He KNOWS that we wrestle with our sin. He KNOWS that MANY people before us chose sin & He KNOWS the way out of sin. We just have to keep saying YES to Him. Buck Up Baby & Ride With Jesus! Follow Him....all the way home!

Thank You

This has been SUCH a beautiful week. I felt like sharing some of ALL the wonderful things that have happened, but I couldn't quite figure out how, SO.......I decided to write a BIG ole' THANK YOU note to GOD.

Here's a list of some of the WONDERFUL things that happened for me this week:

-I got out of the MUDDY waters...only by God's GRACE. (I'm sure I'll discuss this in probably 10 blog posts :))

-I learned a way to settle my WoRRy & study God's word. (Study bible verses & recite memorized ones - when I feel the woRrY coming on.)

-I got confirmation on 2 UPCOMING fundraising auctions, that I really wanted to do. (These are a big deal for me, for LOTS of reasons.)

-I TRULY forgave a friend.

-I started exercising & taking care of myself AND along with it, was able to APPRECIATE God's beauty in LITERALLY everything.

-I was re-affirmed about a NEW venture & journey.

-My sweet niece Baby Ida Estelle was brought into this world & she is PERFECT. (Fun Fact: She was born 2 days after our Grandma's birthday ---which she was named after.)

Me, Kylee, & Sweet Baby Ida

-I am MOVING FORWARD with two CREATive projects I've been sitting on/intimidated by/afraid of....whatever you wanna call it.

-I am IMPROVING in the areas of time management, being present, trusting myself, loving myself, & forgiving....and KNOW that its OKAY to have to start that process over DAILY.

-My Uncle came home from his surgery & progress & healing are in his future.

-People are seeing the value in my God-given gifts.

-Kylee is warming up to this whole t-ball thing :).

-I am moving forward.

-I had a FRIEND pass away early this week. He worked at Suddenlink with me in College Station & I worked with him via phone & computer when I moved down south. He went on one of our INFAMOUS Frio River trips & I have to say that I was shocked & saddened when I heard of his passing, BUT....

Ryan, Myself, & Jenny at the river. 

Ryan was GOOD PEOPLE. I mean REALLY Good People. He was a GOOD friend. He was a HARD -WORKER: dedicated, dependable, skilled, loyal, friendly, respectful, patient.... He was entertaining. He looked at things objectively. He saw the GOOD in people & the GOOD in situations. He could DEFUSE stressful situations. (I saw it first hand.) AND....while I am sad about his passing & that I didn't talk to him MORE when I saw him a few weeks ago....I AM THANKFUL that I knew him. I am THANKFUL knowing that he is a GOOD SOUL. I am THANKFUL that I was caused to REFLECT on some of the VERY IMPORTANT relationships in my life.  I am THANKFUL that he is the kind of person that is WELCOMED into God's kingdom, and I am THANKFUL that everyone that knew him (& even those that didn't) have another ANGEL to guide us on our journeys & walk the halls of Heaven. Whew....

Thank YOU God for BLESSING us WAY beyond what we deserve. BUCK UP BABY & RIDE WITH JESUS! LOVE YOUR PEOPLE. God only leaves them here for a little while.