As I find myself getting closer to God, Jesus, & The Holy Spirit.... I'm havin' to deal with things. I've always been a "Get'r Done" kinda gal. You know...super duper multi-tasker...regularly frenzied up because I was running from one thing to the next trying to be/find/develop a solution for everybody....and you know...pretty good at it....BUT it was flat exhausting. So as I learn that anxiety and worry are not Godly, and as I reflect back and realize I LIVED through resigning from that position & am here to tell about IT & the journey I've been on, and as I try REAL HARD to be who God wants me to be....I realized something.
I have a pattern. Even though I have UN-frenzied much of my life (& I'm still working on some areas) I kind of adopted the thought process that NOTHING is ever good enough. Now....let me tell ya...it's not like I JUST discovered this. I mean I knew it was a FLAW of mine, but I kind of just went around it, covered it up, ignored it, & discredited it. Well....I also know now that EVERYTHING has a purpose & I CAN'T BE who God wants me to be if I CONSTANTLY find a way to discredit myself...or any extension of myself.
So then I try to stop... I don't know how & IT'S NOT SIMPLE, so don't even go there with me. I mean when you become AWARE...like REALLY AWARE you can stop yourself in one moment, but then realize you just did it a few minutes before and didn't even realize it. I'm tellin' you...it's deep-rooted. So then I pray to God & say: "I'm in a funk. I know you love me. I know you know I'm tryin'. BUT I know somethin' ain't right and I want to make it right & I don't know how. PLEASE allow me to feel that gentle tug from The Holy Spirit to get me THERE...wherever THERE is." So then the Mark 12:30 pops in my head: "Love the Lord your God with all your HEART, & with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength." Now I didn't get this right away....only later when I watched an interview of 2-time Cancer Survivor Mark Nepo.....that the KEY is the HEART....MY heart...mines the only one that can HELP me. The other things are important, but the HEART is first for a reason. Then, as I sat down to write this post & re-read the chapter this pops out at me: "A weakness is any limitation that you inherited or have no power to change." Hmmmm....well I'm TRYIN' my dangdest, but I CAN'T figure it out! I don't have the answer/solution/etc. Why can't I just be HAPPY?
I'm not sure how many of you readers are familiar with prayer work & generational work, but that's what I was led to. So think about this. Studies have shown that abused and neglected children will sometimes go their ENTIRE life holding onto things, having a plethora of issues, & in mental turmoil from the actions that happened to them. What about someone who's mother, brother, sister, father, friend committed suicide/died in some form of tragedy/was abused/neglected/handicapped...Do you think they will be affected by that in some way? What if that someone has kids & doesn't DEAL with the funk their in? the questions they have? the plethora of emotions? Well...some of that FUNK rubs off on them (the kids)...whatever it is OR whatever way they express it: anger, never measuring up, bitterness, negativity, passing judgements, selfishness....the list could go on. Well (someone that's been studyin' this a long time may beg to differ) BUT that starts a generational thread that will CONTINUALLY be passed down (many times without even knowing it) UNTIL someone puts the brakes on it. From MY experience putting the brakes on it means HONESTLY & OPENLY OWNING your flaws...ALL of them...the REAL ugLY ones...the ones you think aren't so bad & ARE...OWNING the flaws of your PARENTS & GRANDPARENTS & GREAT-GRANDPARENTS & how they've affected YOUR life & how YOU allowed them to, without even knowing it............ I'm tellin' you...I've never done nothin' like it. I mean you OPENLY & HONESTLY KNOW & IDENTIFY a flaw....& have a hard time letting go of it because it's been a defining part of you & you are SCARED of functioning without it. Guess what.... YOU WILL FUNCTION WITHOUT IT. It's just like working for a company for your entire professional career, thinking you'd retire there, deciding to resign, & not bein' sure what's next. You can bet SOMETHING's next. FAITH: Sometimes is easy & a life-line & sometimes it's TOUGH. Just know...if you step out in it.....SOMETHING will replace what you left.
Mark Nepo discussed in the interview I watched that: God is there when we BREAK & he's there when the break opens up.....MAYBE the biggest take away from that interview (there were MANY take-aways) is when he said: "Whatever opens us is never as important as what it opens."
I kinda feel like God is holding my hand a little bit. It's all on time. It all has purpose & I AM ENOUGH right here, right now, & there is NO NEED to hurry, worry, or force. I feel MORE LOVED than ever. I feel worthy. I feel blessed. I feel like an ESSENTIAL, DIVINE piece of God's PLAN. I don't KNOW the plan. I just know I'm NECESSARY....just the way I am & in just the direction I'm going.
One other thing that Mark Nepo talked about that TOTALLY hit home for me was something along these lines: It was after he had beat cancer for the first time. He had tapped into that spiritual KNOWING....kind of like a line of communication & he KNEW he was supposed to wait...not force things. He was a professor and a writer & he wanted to contribute to society. He wanted to be an accomplished poet, but he KNEW he needed to listen and feel for that tug or see that open door. He said it felt so ODD for him. His description (& a good one) is it was like he was in a river and the banks were always his guide, but after he survived cancer the first time & he had developed in his faith and knowing it was like that river came too the mouth of the ocean & his guides were gone...& he didn't know what to do next.
Boy.....do I KNOW that feeling. Lost...you feel lost & lonely...& start second-guessing yourself and your decisions that you HAD felt so passionately about. But then Nepo said this (& I'm TOTALLY paraphrasing from memory) "He then realized that the current was still there. It was just lower & deeper."
These are just a few examples of weakness where GOD uses his power within them (my inability to see VALUE & WHOLENESS in myself, our NEED to control where we go next, and Nepo's journey to beat cancer). I ENCOURAGE all of you to take a good hard look at your weaknesses & pray to God about them and ASK God to USE them for his glory.
"Point to Ponder: God works best when I admit my weakness."
Daily Bible Verse: "My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9A (NIV)
Daily Question: "Am I limiting God's power in my life by trying to hide my weaknesses? What do I need to be honest about in order to help others?
From my Journal: (I had NO CLUE the first time around.) I really do feel like I'm pretty open about most things. Some areas of struggle, which I've mentioned before is cleanliness. It's an area of laziness and disinterest for me and I don't like it, but I'm not sure how to fix it. Another area of weakness is time management - which I feel like I'm improving on and probably money management - which I also feel like I'm getting better at. Another weakness is voicing my needs to the people that can help me. Around certain people I gossip more freely and it bothers me because I'm trying not to.
I can tell you now, that EVERYTHING I listed above are surface weaknesses & SOMEHOW (it was some kind of process) I felt the NEED to get honest....REAL honest....honest to myself, God, & a TRUSTED friend.
Buck Up Baby & Ride with Jesus! The first time around he's easy on ya. The second time HE BRINGS YOU TO IT,...but he brings you through it too.
God Bless!
