He Fled Away Naked....

 Mark 14:51-52 is a verse I've been pondering for years. The Holy Spirit highlighted it to me as I was reading through the Bible, cover to cover, the first time around. I like to understand things, but I could never quite grasp "WHY" The Holy Spirit led me there, led me to research it numerous times in different ways, led me to examine my life, led me to discuss it with other believers. Yet...the ONLY thing that was clear is He wanted me aware of it. 

The verse reads: "A young man, wearing nothing but a linen garment, was following Jesus. When they seized him, he fled naked, leaving the garment behind." Mark 14:51-52 (NIV) 

Monday, I went for a walk on our place. My life finds me in an interesting place. A place, where I find myself yielding or trying to yield (both happen) to The Holy Spirit. Are there overwhelming things in my life? Yes. Has He blessed me with the MOST beautiful blessings to navigate challenges with, for and about? You bet! AND....some incredible gifts I am grateful to have. I realized SO MUCH on that walk. He has equipped me for ALL The Holy Spirit has shown me. Yes, thinking about it overwhelms me. There really isn't a logical timeline.....at all really, yet it is happening. There is no control I really have, if I'm to be obedient....even though it has taken me a while in some regards. I had so many moments of wrestling in this/these life transitions I am experiencing. Last week, I reflected on how I have reached a place that is familiar to me. I have thought, prayed, figured, researched, worked myself into states of frustration and agitation, until I am called to YIELD. Then, when I yield I look around. Almost always, when I get to the place where I yield, a blessing of knowledge, awareness, a piece of God's wisdom is revealed to me. 

I wish I could tell you how to get to that place. At times, I wish I could skip the wrestling part. If I understand, I'll move much quicker. But He's been developing a layer of my faith, which I want more than the satisfaction of knowing and acting without FULLY understanding. 

Well....on this walk, The Holy Spirit took me on a journey that was spurred with the Bible verse and quote in my planner for the day. Then it led me down other places, and before you know it I was having a conversation with Chat GPT about Biblical timelines, detailed information about John Mark (the author of The Book of Mark), his life, the life of other Biblical figures and SO much more. 

God blessed me with divine wisdom. I don't need anyone to agree with me, argue it with me, or anything of the sort. I've been carrying this Biblical fact with me long enough to know that it was written for a time such as this, in my life. I think this information I uncovered is important. It was important to me. 

Before sharing the revelation, I want to share the moment I "knew" it was divine wisdom. As I was reading the Chat GPT response regarding the age of John Mark (Mark) in comparison to Matthew; tears just rolled from my eyes. There is NOTHING sad or completely earth-shattering about that fact, but I believe without a shadow of a doubt, that I felt that truth in MY spirit, even if I didn't fully grasp it yet in my flesh. 

Now for all the lessons and bread crumbs that I experienced before getting to this moment....

Up until this moment...this day... I lacked so much knowledge about John Mark and lacked the desire to understand. I was looking at all the ways that verse tied back to me, not him. I looked for God's message to me...the significance of the words, of the book, of how it mattered in my life in all the moments it was brought to my attention. This time, I turned my focus to the author. It took a few breadcrumbs and experiences to get there, and honestly, I can't say that there is a way to convey or map these lessons to the ultimate outcome, but they led me there and they were lessons that I REALLY needed for a variety of things going on in life. 

I start out on my walk. I had realized, a few days earlier, that my medicine dosage had accidentally been off, and my emotions and anxiety were starting to level out again. I remember starting my conversation with God, and thinking about how we must be SO hard to work with, yet He still chooses to. I remember being upset in my flesh, with how it derailed me. I was feeling like I lost ground. Yet, somehow in that moment, I accepted that He decided to continue to encourage me - no matter the weakness of my flesh. I don't know how to explain this release...submission....acceptance of His grace, but it happened with a grateful heart. This is when the research began. 

At this point is was light, curious research. The Holy Spirit had brought Mark 14:51-52 back to the forefront of my mind. I have walked all of the easy paths on our property, so I've started exploring some of the cow trails that are a little less traveled. I had music playing...Lauren Daigle and as I left the more traveled path to the less traveled path, I had focused on dodging spider webs. I get to the other side, where there was a clearing and realized I lost my phone somewhere along the way. I remember thinking...."Man! my phone didn't record all of those steps." Then, I made my way back to my phone, but I hit SO many spider webs on the way back and I decided I didn't want to go back that way.....although I had a gentle tug, so I knew how many steps I had actually walked. I felt nudged to go another direction. 

As I was standing there, pondering the decision of what way to go; The Holy Spirit helped me to reflect that.....not everything gets recorded. That does not mean it didn't happen, because clearly....it just happened....even though I had no record of it. Okay.... :). Then I felt led to walk a little closer to the tank (pond) than I normally do. I had my glasses on my forehead, so my peripheral vision was blurry. As I was walking by....I saw something large and reddish-gray. At first, I thought it was a dead cow. I got a little closer and realized that it was a mound of dirt under a tree that was growing in the tank. We hadn't gotten rain in a while and the pond was low enough to expose dirt, that was typically under water. 

I pull out my phone and ask Chat GPT why some dirt would have a red ring around it.....explained all the conditions, etc. As I was reading the scientific reason some of the dirt on the same mound would appear red versus gray, understanding that the oxygen hitting the iron in the ground quicker than normal for that area produces that red ring......almost simultaneously I get "I'm always here. Not everything is going to be recorded and everything is not going to be visible to the human eye. That does not mean that I am not there. I will be seen when I need to be seen....when the environment is right." I smile as I type this. I needed this encouragement and reassurance that I can't mess up His timing. 

These are the gently moments where I am left in awe of God's gentleness and GREATNESS. After this moment, on the way back, is when the dominoes started falling. One question led to another question and it just kept going. I don't know how I got back to  "A young man, wearing nothing but a linen garment...." again, but I did. In my research I was reminded of yet another verse that has always stuck out to me and how it is ONLY found in the Book of Mark: "As they entered the tomb, they saw a young man dressed in a white robe sitting on the right side, and they were alarmed." Mark 16:5 This had COMPLETELY engaged my mind. 

I'm thinking: Both of these accounts are ONLY found in The Book of Mark. What if.........(insert mind blown emoji here). Then, I zoned in on who is Mark? He was NOT one of Jesus's 12 disciples ----- which was an assumption I think many of us make. His full name is John Mark. He was the apprentice to Peter, which is one of the original 12 disciples. The Book of Mark is thought to be the account of Peter, written by the hand of John Mark. John Mark was the son of Mary, and part of a well-off Jewish family in Jerusalem that hosted many church gatherings in the beginning of Jesus's ministry. Based on various timelines, at the time of Jesus's death, John Mark would have been in his late teens or early 20s. This fact, coupled with, him being part of a well-off family.....he could have very much been: "A young man, wearing nothing but a linen garment"  AND "a young man dressed in a white robe." It would have ONLY been in The Book of Mark, because it was Mark's direct testimony - marked with humility (similar to how John is in his account - referring to himself as "the one Jesus loves" instead of mentioning himself directly.)

I go further.....asking for an account of the timelines in the order in which the books were written. (Insert another mind blown emoji here.) The Book of Mark is thought to have been written BEFORE any of the other accounts. Many scholars also think that both Matthew and Luke drew references FROM the Book of Mark. I would gather, that John also adopted a similar writing style. I even asked WHY Matthew was placed before Mark. When the Bible was being put together, scholars believed that The Book of Matthew, gave a more full and detailed account of the Gospel story, thus coming to an agreement that it would give readers a more FULL context. My tears started flowing around this time. I take that as a sign of divine wisdom. 

Then....I wanted a better understanding of why John Mark would find himself in this space. The space of being a YOUNG,  person OUTSIDE the inner circle, witness to Jesus Christ, who - ULTIMATELY, is the first author of the account of Jesus Christ.

Just as a young man having access to linen cloth was likely due to the family's wealth, so is his ability to scribe FOR Peter. Wealthy Jewish families would have made it a priority to educate the young men in their family in 2 to 3 languages. As a teenage/young man who had witnessed and experienced the activity of Jesus and being captured in the garden....you best believe that he likely wanted to WITNESS Jesus's words. Would He ACTUALLY rise from the dead, when He said he would? Why would the women NOT tell anyone? Well....envision that the son of Mary, the wealthy Jewish woman hosting many of the gatherings was the first person found and Jesus was no where to be found. That leads to a host of potential: "uh-ohs," "what do we dos," and "maybe silence is betters." Yet, The Holy Spirit leads me deeper. In my research, I was reminded of "THE REASON" Paul and Barnabas split from each other, when in ministry together. 

The REASON for the split was JOHN MARK. This scripture never really sat well with me. It felt.....unfinished or incomplete. This is the scripture I am referencing: "And after some days Paul said to Barnabas, 'Let us return and visit the brothers in every city where we proclaimed the word of the Lord, and see how they are.' Now Barnabas wanted to take with them John called Mark. But Paul thought best not to take with them one who had withdrawn from them in Pamphylia and had not gone with them to the work. And there arose a sharp disagreement, so that they separated from each other Barnabas took Mark with him and sailed away to Cyprus, but Paul chose Silas and departed, having been commended by the brothers to the grace of the Lord." Acts 15:36-40   It leaves a picture of Paul being "right" and John Mark being someone that abandoned a ministry, which I do not believe is the full story. 

One of the wonderful things about scripture, is as you read, you get to know these Biblical characters and get a feel for their personalities and see factors that help them in their decision-making. I remember REALLY being drawn to Barnabas. I think this is why I didn't like the picture this scripture painted. It is Paul's truth, but not the full context (I believe). At the time, I did not know that Barnabas and John Mark were cousins. Barnabas would have been a better judge of John Mark's heart. Bigger than this though....and nothing that can be confirmed nor denied. I believe that John Mark, whether documented or not MAY have realized (or had a divine encounter) that his gifts would not be best used in ministry with Paul. Paul was educated. He had been a Pharisee. He was COMPLETELY entrenched in the other side of the coin and preaching from a place of experience to those that already believed, that John Mark would not be able to in the same way. Paul's message was reinforcing believers and churches and continuous encouragement. John Mark's gifts allowed him to reach people that were totally unfamiliar. Paul and John Mark's perspectives came from different directions. This is important because John Mark would have been able to write from a firm understanding of Jewish customs and had the education to translate this into a language that the Romans would understand. In regards to the spreading of information, Rome was THE hub of information. As The Holy Spirit moved all things together to create the best circumstances to spread the Gospel: Paul was able to encourage and share, while imprisoned in Rome, with information being sent out (and possibly penned by John Mark) from Rome to other parts of the ancient world. Him leaving Paul and Barnabas years prior, allowed us to see the documented reconciliation IN Rome AND allowed John Mark to pen the very first Gospel account to then be dispersed from Rome, in a way that anyone reading it could understand. 

What a blessing. What an understanding God has blessed me with. How great to have such a deeper understanding of Mark, his significance....his struggles....his character.....an understanding that has helped me to understand the other disciples differently. What a blessed reminder that He is always with us and while all the details may not be recorded, it does not negate His presence and His knowing. (This was reinforced to me by another God wink, the week before.) This experience was all these things, plus this gentle nudge to move forward. 

Buck Up Baby & Ride with Jesus! Yield, observe, be present. Rest in the humility like John Mark. Sit in His truth without having to be seen, known, and measured by anyone, but The Holy Trinity. He knows that we will come to the end of ourselves and our abilities.....flee away naked....yield to The Holy Spirit and NEED Him. Allow Him to do things only He can do. We have to LET HIM work in our lives. 

Moth Ponderings

 I recently completed a journey through the Bible. As a result, the dedicated time I spent reading, journaling, and studying, has freed up. Mondays, almost always, start with a layer of anxiety different than all the other days of the week. In an attempt to NOT let the anxiety win out, I try to start Mondays in meditation, prayer, Bible story narrations, and sometimes a combination of them. 

Those of you that follow my blogs or my Facebook Page, may be aware of how sometimes God reveals a topic. One of my more popular vlogs was about Jonah and the Whale. Well, a couple weeks ago, I could not get the idea of MOTHS out of my head. Now, two weeks later, I don't really recall the scripture, story, prompting. I do remember the lessons and my findings though! What an amazing adventure He takes us on! There is truly SO much to explore!

Moths represent a lot of things, but in literal Biblical terms - they are most closely categorized with the destruction of earthly riches/possessions. However, that is not what was not the direction I was getting from my ponderings. It was MORE....the not so literal contexts. 

Photo Cred: Kite's Custom Cleaners

This led me down what some would characterize as a "rabbit hole," but it really led me to what would later REALLY resonate with me and what I'm sharing here in this blog. I know moths are associated with destruction, but they are God's creation and God's plans are not for destruction. Somehow, in my Internet surfing, I found that "moths" are referenced in scripture 7 times. This may not mean a lot to everyone, but for me - the number 7 is divine. It was like finding a bread crumb that let me know my thoughts were moving in the right direction. Moths represent MORE than destruction. 

Then, I started pondering the differences and connections between moths and butterflies. Butterflies evolved from moths. In the grand scheme of creation - both are VERY important regarding pollination and playing their part in the food chain. However, if you were to compare the two: moths have been around longer; if comparing their pollinations skills - moths win out; and  the cocoons of a moth produce silk...and an abundance of it, where you gather very little from the chrysallises of butterflies in silk production. Nowhere, in scripture, are butterflies mentioned. Yes, they were around. I did the math. In no way am I attempting to downplay the importance and symbolism of butterflies. Most of those same symbolism's like "new life," can also be attributed to moths. Butterflies came from moths. Moths are the "root." I believe that is why they are referenced in scripture and not butterflies. Butterflies are beautiful, but in actuality, SO much more is produced from the moth. Yes, they also destroy; which may be another lesson to unpack, but my focus was lead to just how much "showy" doesn't matter to God. It is what we produce.

I shared my ponderings....a few days later with my friend/prayer partner++. She sent me a link to a teaching from Nancy Dufresne. As I listened to this, I was reminded of the anxiety I was experiencing, that ultimately led me to my moth ponderings and how, ultimately, these ponderings pushed some of the anxieties out and how together - The Holy Trinity and I - took care of my mind. 

I know there could be a lot to unpack here. There ALWAYS is, in anything inspired by God. But for the last two weeks, the lessons God has taught me through: scripture, His creation, and other believers are abundant. 

• God is not interested in the showy. He is interested in the substance. 
• There are divine and holy lessons through moths (& SO MANY more creations) to explore.
• Moths destroy, but they also produce - like humans.
• Focus on the "root" or the beginning of things and not so much on showy, evolutionary things. 
• Don't discount the less showy/more humble of anything.
• Place more focus on what you produce and less focus on how it looks. 
• Working on ourself is SO MUCH more important than the outside things we produce. 

I still LOVE butterflies and the wonder I feel when I see them. (If you've never been you should all go to The Butterfly Palace in Branson, Missouri.) However, I have a new appreciation for moths. 

The Moments

I am an avid journaler. Currently, I have a daily devotional and a planner I am using created by Tim Tebow, with A.J. Gregory. 

This week, in my planner, Tim Tebow wrote this: "When you get tired or overwhelmed or uncertain, don't forget the moment God changed your life... Don't forget the moment He challenged you to join the fight."

I want to share my moments with you all. I have had several in my life. What I have learned along my life journey, is when you are obedient; He will challenge you again. I believe these moments may be different for everyone. My own moments have each been different. The way in which Tebow wrote the above quote made me think of one moment in particular, BUT to start...the very first challenge.     

The first time He challenged me was the summer between my Freshman and Sophomore year of high school (14, almost 15 years old). I have always been a nerved up human, that thinks, and thinks, and over thinks so many things. The gest of this challenge came about while praying to Jesus. Jesus is the first member of The Holy Trinity that I identified with.  I was EARNESTLY praying. To date, I don't know that I can compare this prayer time with any others I have had. I had a mission and I needed Jesus's help. I prayed for HOURS. There were things that I did not understand. There were things I longed for. There were so many questions in my young adolescent head. Jesus and I sat there and we worked through EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. There was a determination in me and as I was praying (I now know), The Holy Spirit would bring biblical moments and stories to the forefront and I discussed those with Jesus to try and understand....to build up my courage....to find a clearing in the path. That summer....in my being....I went from a timid, shy, unheard, awkward, fearful person to a person that spoke my own truth....thought before I spoke or spoke intentionally KNOWING Jesus was right beside me, because I asked Him to be. I was confident, more brave, more willing to try new things....it was an ADVENTURE. It was the first moment I realized that I have to give The Holy Spirit TIME to work. I can't ask for it and not allow it to unfold in His time. 

The second time, that I recall, was when The Holy Spirit urged me to pick up the Bible a friend had gifted me, that has been sitting on the corner of my desk for 6 months. At this time in my life, I went to the Bible, but I didn't read it like I read it now. Through discussions with a friend, I had shared that I KNOW Jesus. She shared with me a little about her relationship with The Holy Trinity and how The Holy Spirit is SO important in her life. She was brought to tears. I remember us talking about how you can have a relationship with each member, but we have to ENGAGE....put the effort in (like any relationship) to build those bonds. At that time, The Holy Spirit was rad, but I did not feel ready to dive in. I did share that I wanted to know God better. God, at that time, was so BIG....so hard to try and grasp. I had been content just knowing, trusting, and believing. Yet, because I did not dig in, I had questions. This started out as such a gentle nudge, that evolved into this entire system WE had worked out. My goal was to read The Bible, cover to cover, and to get to know GOD along the way. I had a Children's Bible. What I did is I would start out reading Old Testament stories from the Children's Bible, because I found it easier to grasp. Then, I would go to The Bible from my friend, and read from The New Testament. I remember THE MOMENT I realized how directly I was communicating with God. I was reading in the New Testament: 1 Corinthians, Chapter 14. The words that I took offense to more directly..... is 1 Corinthians 14:34-35: "As in all the congregations of the saints, women should remain silent in the churches. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission, as the Law says. If they want to inquire about something, they should ask their own husbands at home; for it is disgraceful for a woman to speak in the church."

I will not go into deep detail, but I will say that I spoke out loud to God, asking Him to help me understand. As soon as I asked that, I laid my hands on The Bible, prayed specifically for direction to understand & God lead me to: Galatians 3:28 - "There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus."

I have sporadic moments, where I feel that direct connection. I KNOW He sees me and uses His words to comfort me. Amazing...our God. He is all the things that are good. 

There are two other moments that come to mind. I can't tell you what I specifically said yes to, because I don't know. Interestingly enough, they both happened in very close proximity to each other in my house. Our home has a large den, then you walk through the kitchen, to get to the living room. The first of these two moments (3rd all-together), was a moment where I could feel His presence. It was right on the dividing line of our den and kitchen. I remember telling him Yes, I would follow Him. There were no specifics. His presence and His purpose of being there, the way He was there, was to get my answer. It reminds me of moments I had with previous employees, when we'd embark on a new adventure and I could not tell them what to expect, but I needed their commitment. 

The most recent time, is similar to the one above, but a little more intense. VERY close to the same location as the last, except that I felt led into the kitchen a little more. I can't recall what I was praying about. I can tell you I felt the need to kneel in that threshold between the den and the kitchen. I don't remember what I prayed, but I was praying earnestly and THIS TIME, I could feel...almost envision Jesus sitting there, wanting me to give Him an answer. Somehow, this time, I KNEW that I would still be loved the same if I said no. My awareness of my ability to say no was very apparent, this time. There was an intensity in the air....anticipation. I remember trying to grasp and understand (in my very limited knowledge, thinking about all the things going on in my world, at the time). I FELT the importance. I KNEW He needed me to choose. As I sat in thought and the anticipation and somehow KNOWING this could not be a lofty decision, yet I had all I needed in that moment to make it - I shared my decision....in the wordy, think-everything-out-loud way and when I said YES, the JOY of that moment was like nothing I had ever experienced. Even as I think about it now, I am in awe of it. The intensity of the decision, the thoroughness in being sure I understood as much as I could, the awareness of having a choice & being loved unconditionally - no matter which one I made, and still not fully understanding EXACTLY what I was saying yes to, but KNOWING WHO I was saying yes to. When I type about the joy...when I said yes, it was like I could FEEL the radiance of Jesus's joy. It felt like all of Heaven rejoiced! I experienced the joy, without knowing anything more about the YES, than what I have shared. I know that it was a BIG YES and that....I don't have to do anything special to carry it out....just do me, while loving Jesus. (He has been nurturing that into me also.)

As I am typing these, there is another I recall - and I do not remember, for certain, when it took place. I remember it, like it could have been a year ago, but it has to be closer to 10 years ago, because we haven't had the white couch in the den, in a VERY long time. It was EARLY Easter morning. For two weeks I had been frustrated because, I was wrestling with God about children suffering and childhood cancer and......tirelessly trying to wrap my head around it. The days leading up to Easter, I was just not a happy person. I felt guilt for not being as excited and grateful as I felt I should be. I remember FINALLY giving in to NOT KNOWING....me having that knowledge was NOT part of the plan God had for me and I found myself/felt like I had thrown myself on Jesus's lap and just cried. I remember.....so many things not lining up for me, BUT, the ONLY one that could take that burden from me....showed up when I was mad, sad, hurt, confused, ashamed, and COMFORTED me.....even though my actions leading up to that moment were not worthy of it. This was the moment when I learned that WE DON'T HAVE ALL THE FACTS and that I just have to TRUST and have FAITH. This may be when I found my FAITHBONE. 

Each one of those moments have been LIFE-CHANGinG & life-GIVING. In my walk I DO hold onto them. It is all the blessed moments of WISDOM God has given me on my journey. It helps me release things. It helps me stay focused. It reminds me of the rewards of perseverance and faith. It reminds me that I am capable of things, I would not and could not do on my own. It reminds me that I have a purpose, even if I haven't uncovered it. It reminds me HOW CLOSE God really is to us....how close Jesus is & what He cares about AND the AMAZING, perfect, UN-explainable POWER of The Holy Spirit. I truly LACK NOTHING and I feel that in my bones.....even when I get the wind knocked out of me. 

DON'T be afraid of the MOMENTS. Fear has stopped A LOT of great things. Don't let it stop you from having YOUR Jesus moment. The strange, the unchartered, the funny-feeling part of it all... is GOOD. Buck Up Baby! Relax into it & RIDE WITH JESUS!

Excellence - Thriving vs. Striving

 I am wrestling so much with this post, yet feel the message is SO important to share.

The kids and I visited a different church than we normally go to, but it is the one we normally go to when we don't go to our regular church. After adjusting to the volume of the worship music, Hunter, my youngest was MOVED almost immediately. Pieces of the message also stuck with him. 

I found myself convicted in my stance, on the message. I found myself being concerned for others seeking Jesus, that could be in the congregation. I believe, based on the reaction of my youngest, that the intention was to ENCOURAGE us to be better. To examine our lives and strive for excellence, because excellence was GIVEN to us. I don't just believe this. I know this. This message can and will encourage us and all that heard it. YET......I still feel the importance of what I want to share, just THROBBING to get out of me. 

When I walked into church and we began worshiping and praising, I felt so comfortable in my relationship with The Holy Trinity and I knew that I now knew myself better, than I did the last time I had attended the same church. I know that as much as I know the conviction I felt in my spirit about the message. 

I am wrestling with this share because I believe it may be unpopular. It will reveal thoughts, emotions, and visions that most people won't want to think about, won't want to envision, & don't want to feel the feels.

I don't know how to explain this any other way except the message made me feel like it was coming from a place of entitlement...or directed towards people that came from a place of entitlement. What I mean by that is....how easy is it to tell someone to examine the weak spots in their life and tell them that they should be better, because of the gift Jesus gave us. It made me feel a way.... As things were mentioned that WE ALL STRUGGLE WITH in some form or fashion, and my oldest daughter looked over at me like: "That's me." "That's us." I felt moved to  & immediately leaned over to all three and told them, that they are enough. God wants a relationship with us, but He wants us to THRIVE and not to STRIVE. 

I've been thinking about it all day. Really.... And I think that the reason Holy Spirit CONVICTED my spirit in the way I experienced it is because....God has REALLY impressed upon me the importance of knowing myself and He had to spell out to me that He was NEVER the one to tell me to STRIVE, yet that is what I have done, in some form or fashion, ALL. MY. LIFE. I can't think of a time, except for recently that I was not in a constant.....literally CONSTANT state of striving. ALL of the striving was to win the favor of man: parents, siblings, family, teachers, friends, peers, other professionals.........literally everyone. When The Holy Trinity was kind enough to BLESS ME with the WISDOM (although we are taught this from Sunday School on...) that, what The Holy Trinity has GIVEN us is a GIFT! We didn't ask for it. We didn't and still can't understand it's value. We couldn't and didn't work for it. GOD'S ONLY DESIRE IS THAT WE RECEIVE IT. I mean.....I am laying here, SO HUMBLED. So.....in awe of who our God is....so overwhelmed by His love and kindness & SO THANKFUL that I KNOW it is true. 

No matter what man tells you, REMEMBER that all that is asked of you is that YOU RECEIVE JESUS CHRIST AS YOUR LORD & SAVIOR. If you don't know what that means, God WANTS to show you, teach you, tell you, guide you to not just hearing the words, but GIFTING you the WISDOM to KNOW Him & the meaning of His words. 

I had two other spiritual moments this week that tie into this same line of thought. One was explaining the difference between Christians and Jews to my son, after he saw a commercial about stopping Jewish hate. I went to sources on the Internet, more well-versed than myself, and read it to him, paused for his response and being SO GRATEFUL for how God has conditioned his heart to understand that we view some things differently in our faith, but that the difference in thought does NOT merit hate. 

I also have a professional friend that I was messaging back and forth with on a work project. He let me know that he would be unavailable for much of the next two days celebrating Eid al-Fitr. I have an incredible amount of respect for him as a human. He is so professional, talented, and easy to work with. Because of this respect, I wanted to know more about his faith, so I researched it and was able to share how the viewpoints may differ between Muslims and Christians, with my oldest son. What was amazing is that he noticed all the SIMILARITIES of our beliefs.  

I sit and think about how much energy is wasted on hate. How many relationships NEVER have a chance because of hate. Then I also think about the message I heard today and how my youngest son received it and how I received it. God uses EVERYTHING. His love for ALL HUMANS is SO ABUNDANT. A message that convicts me, positively encourages my youngest son. We are doing life with people that share some of our beliefs and we have the opportunity to understand and RESPECT the differences. I will visit this church again because....even though I do not agree that striving for excellence is God's call, the intentions of that message was to ENCOURAGE and not discourage. He wants us to HONOR the EXCELLENCE God has given us & see it as such. I do agree with that.

It may seem like I'm wandering from the topic, but I'm not. The message in church today seemed directed to an entitled audience that has had to experience the very basic of struggles: dirty house, dirty car, excelling in their careers, focusing on their studies, etc.

What about those battling depression? They may have a messy house, but they got up, went to work, and was a light for someone & provided for their family. Their life may look like a wreck, but GOD SEES THEM SHOWING UP.

What about the boy that feels lost & unwanted, never wanted, yet decides to NOT END HIS LIFE, because he remembers hearing/reading/being told that God created him for a purpose, crying out to Him and putting the gun down. GOD SEES YOU AND THE ANGELS REJOICED IN HEAVEN WHEN YOU PUT IT DOWN. He just wants you to show up for Him. 

What about the young couple, abandoned by their families, fleeing religious persecution, CLINGING to the LOVE & HOPE that God has promised? GOD SEES YOU & WILL BLESS YOU FOR YOUR OBEDIENCE. 

What about the man that lost his ENTIRE FAMILY in a car accident and the ONLY CONVERSATION he still has with God is how mad he is at Him? GOD SEES YOU & is GRATEFUL you are still communicating with Him. 

What about the ER Nurse that witnesses things like: a pre-teen pregnant child being dumped at the ER to deliver a baby in a case of incest....alone...unaware....and broken, a non-English speaking couple accidentally overdosing their baby resulting in DEATH when they thought they were helping, a family of 4 burn victims from a house fire on Christmas Day with one lone survivor with 4th degree burns. GOD SEES YOU & He's SO THANKFUL that you are SHOWING UP for others. He doesn't care if your house is a mess, if you spoil your kids and others don't approve, or if you are less than chipper when you come into work. 

The enemy comes at us and he comes at us HARD. GOD KNOWS! He doesn't discount the struggle. I think He thought about this struggle and so did Jesus, when He decided to be obedient to God & accept the cross to SAVE US....to RELEASE US from the burden of striving. Striving is NOT our yoke. 

SHOW UP & Buck Up Baby & Ride with Jesus! You don't have to have your make-up on. You don't have to have all A's, a full tank of gas, or a regularly detailed car. You don't even have to believe all the things others say about Him. You just have to SHOW UP & ride with Him. Give Him some time. I can testify that Jesus brought me closer to God & HELPED ME to get to know The Holy Spirit.

Vision Boards - Habakkuk 2:2-3

 

The Lord has really been impressing the importance of getting to know myself....the self He created me to be. So.....for the past two years I have worked really hard to do this. It is a lot harder than one would think, but it also has shown me how little I regarded myself in the past. It has been quite an interesting observation and ADVENTURE!

I have had a lot of really hard things to go through, since starting this journey, but I have also had some real eye opening situations, holy moments, and really.....sweet assurances that He hears me. He sees me. He loves me. AND He has good things planned for me.

I have wanted to create a vision board for years & I finally did last year. I completed it about a year ago. I love analyzing data and progress, so I want to share a few interesting facts with you and encourage you to take the time to CREATE your own vision board. 

I am sharing the above verses, and as you all reflect on them, Habakkuk was a prophet. The Book of Habakkuk has 3 chapters. You could listen to it on audio in about 15 minutes. Habakkuk was having, what I call, a mental wrestling match with God. He could not understand why some people were being treated how they were - when they were dishonoring God. God ultimately tells him, to record his vision, so people from all over can know it and share it, be patient, and wait for it to happen. He also let's Habakkuk know that He sees everything. Why people do the things they do and what is on their hearts. You can listen on audio here: Book of Habakkuk

I am amazed at the results of recording my vision for the year. I truly am. Here is the reality of what God & I accomplished through the recording of my vision. 

I COMPLETED 73% of what I put on my vision board! I did NOT complete 27%, BUT of what I did not complete - 83% are in the works. 

Here are the fruits from our journey:

• Created comfortable spaces at home.
• Made a long-term building decision.
• Now have a porch for fellowship.
• Completed a wave of decluttering.
• The kids regularly assist with chores around the house. 
• Have found new ways to be calmer and reduce stress and anxiety.
• I love being at home. 
• We have CREateD LOTS of things. 
• I have full memories of visiting Waco with my son, mother-in-law & nephew.
• I have full memories of visiting Galveston with all 3 kids & my mom.
• I have super awesome memories with Kyle staying in a tree house in the hill country.
• I practiced and benefited from meditation & shared it with others. 
• I traveled more.
• We organized the outside of our home more.
• We updated some of the rooms inside. 
• I've gotten to know our neighbors better. 

The fruits that are still growing, but not ripe yet are:

• Going on a cruise - but I did book one for the future.
• Attending a concert - Plan to on Kylee's Back to School Shopping Trip in Gruene. 
• Remodel Plan for Bathroom.
• Remodel Plan for Kitchen.
• Mastering our food - have something for us to try. 

Visiting Rockport was the only thing we did not do and I believe it would have happened, if God needed it to. Everything really does happen in His perfect timing. We just have to plant the seeds and allow God to care for them. 

I believe that this success should be attributed to a number of different factors: 

• It was positioned LITERALLY right beside my bed. It is one of the first things I see when I wake up and one of the last things I see before I go to bed. When I come to relax in the bedroom.....it is plainly visible for me to ponder. 
• I created the vision board prayerfully. I put A LOT of thought into it and also allowed creativity to flow with materials that I had available. 
• I LOVED what I saw. I enjoyed looking at it and imagining and planning. 

The intention you have for your life matters. God wants to know them. He wants to help you achieve them. We literally took these thoughts and ideas and grew them together, with me. It really is one of the coolest things to reflect on that I have ever reflected on. It is also one of the most exciting things, to create one for this year, knowing the results of the last. Although I was intentional last year, my intensity has grown for this year, because I was able to witness the power of collaborating with The Holy Trinity. 

I also feel responsible to tell you that your vision is NOT for everyone to know. I feel comfortable sharing this because of the results and the testimony that I can share with others. Guard your visions. The enemy is ALWAYS at work and NOTHING is off limits for him. The enemy works through others, through situations, through every fleshy weakness that he can. DO NOT give him any ammunition.

Yes, God encouraged Habakkuk to record it so people could spread the word and share it. Let them share the fruit. Let them share the accomplishments. Let them share the story....the actual story of what God did in your live with your visions....not before. 

Buck Up Baby & Ride with Jesus! CReAtE that vision board.....that road map for the journey you are about to go on!

Indignation

Hey all! First off, God has placed something on my heart that I've been praying over for sometime. Over the last several weeks I have received steady encouragement & today I made the decision that I was going to step out of fear & the security of keeping my thoughts to myself & literally Buck UP & ride with Jesus! I was going to start video blogging (vlogging) on whatever the Holy Spirit stirred up in me.

So, I grab my Bible, pray, & open it to Mark 14:1-11. The stories in these verses are: "The Plot to Kill Jesus" & "The Anointing at Bethany." The word "Indignation" jumps off the page at me. "While He was in Bethany at the house of Simon who had a serious skin disease, as He was reclining at the table, a woman came with an alabaster jar of pure and expensive fragrant oil of nard. She broke the jar and poured it on His head. But some were expressing INDIGNATION to one another: 'Why has this fragrant oil been wasted? For this oil might have been sold for more than 300 denarii and given to the poor.' - Mark 14:3-5 (HCSB)

So, here I go....ready to start my vlog & my phone won't record. I had this moment of...."It's okay. I'll figure it out & start another day." BUT I have something to share TODAY. So...posed with the choice to share or not share. I took to my blog.

The enemy has been working HARD on me the last two days & he WILL NOT stop me.

If you look up the definition of INDIGNATION it means: regard as unworthy; be angry or displeased at; unworthy; anger aroused by something unjust, unworthy, or mean; anger or annoyance provoked by what is perceived as unfair treatment.

If you read this full passage, you will find that Jesus silenced all those that questioned the thoughts & actions of this woman, said that what this woman has done will be told to everyone in her memory & then Judas went to the chief priests and began to plot the way in which he would betray Jesus.

As I read this it appears to be a man & woman thing, but I believe it is a lesson for everyone. Whoever you are: pay attention to those that annoy you, those that you don't understand, those that frustrate you & cause anger to rise up in you; those you feel are below you; those you think don't deserve whatever they have; those who in some ways you envy. Hold strong in your faith & KNOW that God loves & needs all of those people. You don't have to like them, but you can make the choice to respect them. Lean in, just a little & The Holy Trinity will support you. Lean out & the enemy will devour you.

Be watching for video blogs & pray for me. It feels like a whole new layer of vulnerability to me.

Father God,
May we ALL have the courage to let your light shine! In Jesus Name. Amen.

Stepping Out In Faith....SAY YES!

I had a busy week, last week & there was a moment....after I got off the phone, with a client...that I just sat back & APPRECIATED where I was. I thought...on what life could be like if I would not have said YES to God...when he was calling me to something MORE. My week has involved discussions for five fundraising galas, four different liquidation auctions, and 5 different real estate transactions. Sometimes those discussions weren't the most exciting, but I had to sit back a minute... This could have been a TOTALLY different story than what I'm typing.

I am THANKFUL. Thankful for the opportunities...YES! Even more THANKFUL though....for the peace of mind I have now....for the flexible time schedule to have MORE time with my family...for the new friendships I've made, that I would have TOTALLY missed out on....for this REAL spiritual development that God is doing in me...there is SO MUCH to be thankful for.

I'm really GRATEFUL that The Holy Spirit kept nudging me & nudged me in just the right ways to get my attention....even when those nudges were NOT so fun... I mean REALLY... Sometimes I would kind of like it if there would just be directional signs. BUT God needs to develop our character in Christ...for what is yet to come.

Turning the focus to YOU (yes, YOU, who is reading this)... If you have reached a point where you KNOW you are supposed to SAY YES to God....just go on & do it!

You will have no clue what it looks like.
It is totally different than anything you are capable of imagining right now.
You will survive on the other side of it.
He has equipped you for exactly where He is taking you.
It won't be easy. In fact...sometimes, it will be down right scary.
Sometimes, you will want to change your mind.
Sometimes, you will want to pull a blanket over your head & not speak to anyone....for DAYS.
You will cry.
You will laugh.
You will overthink & over-analyze.
You will make bad decisions on accident.
You will make bad decisions....that seem like the right ones.
You will trust people more than you should.
Then...you will not trust people enough.
You will have everyone and their momma....& sometimes their daddy...tell you how to do things.
People will criticize you.
People won't get you.
You could drift away from friends.
You could lose friends.
You will gain friends.
God WILL put the people in your path that are needed to carry out HIS missions.
You will LEARN things about yourself....that you just flat didn't know.
You will LEARN things about things that you didn't even know existed.
You will LEARN things about EVERYTHING!
You will do & accomplish & experience things you NEVER thought were even a possibility.
You will GO ON THE JOURNEY OF A LIFETIME...YOUR journey!
It will get complicated....BUT...if you REMEMBER TO PAUSE & PRAY....the clutter will just peel away.
You will prosper.
You will shine.
You will touch lives.
You will change lives.
You will transform into who God is calling you to be.
You will begin to break the boundaries you have up that keep you small....and it will be A LOT of FuN!

For me...the MOST REWARDING part of ALL of this, is that: I am slooooooowly LEARNING how to ACCEPT God's grace over my life, and that JESUS carried EVERYTHING that is holding me back RIGHT NOW...to the cross. He has SAVED ME from it! What I toil & worry about is on me...because it is not of God.  I INVITE The Holy Spirit to MOVE & WORK in my life & ask that He nudge those who interact & work with me, in ANY capacity.

I'm in the mood for GRATITUDE :).... To end this post, in this moment....I think I am the MOST thankful that I can look at my children...& tell them to pray, and when they pray LISTEN...to whatever their inner self is telling them, BUCK UP (no matter how long it takes) & step out in FAITH, & SAY YES to what every instinct in you is telling you to do (not your logical thinking head ;)). Those instincts are gifts & no matter what...THANK GOD. Give it ALL to Him. Praise Him in the rain & praise Him in the sunshine.

Buck Up Baby & Ride With Jesus! It'll be the ride of a lifetime!

The Shack...What it did for me...

I've recently finished the book: The Shack, written by William Paul Young. I need to give you guys a little backstory on something I had been struggling with, so I can explain how the book reached me where it did. 

Right before Easter I had watched a video that popped up in my Facebook feed about this little girl that was fighting cancer & how all she wanted to do was dance with Taylor Swift. Taylor called her & they visited, but she was too weak to even get out of bed. Needless to say...I got pretty upset with God. I thought to myself couldn't you even give the little girl just enough energy to dance? I stopped myself. I asked God to forgive me, because I know that there is a bigger picture, but I was still upset with Him. I struggled for probably two weeks leading up to Easter with this. Then I reached a point where I was upset that I was stRugGling with this, during the Easter season, when I should be SO THANKFUL for what Jesus did for us! So now....I wasn't JUST wrestling with being upset with how God does things...I was upset that I was upset about it & I just couldn't GET OVER IT!

I prayed...boy did I! I prayed for this sweet little girl & all children & all families & all patients fighting this battle. I prayed for guidance...for Him to lead me to scripture that would show me what I was missing....that He would teach me just what I needed to know to get to the place where I could LOVE Jesus (like I wanted to) for CHOOSING to carry out God's plan. Well....He led me o the book of Job. If I could insert the EXHAUSTED smiley face emoticon I would HERE. Sometimes I couldn't even get through a chapter without LITERALLY falling asleep on my Bible. It was SO strange to me. I was thinking: Okay. You led me here, now WHY won't you let me keep my eyes open?! How I wrestled with what I read & the thoughts I was still trying to work through about that precious little girl... All while...I was caring for the family God blessed me with & doing all the day-to-day things my life entails. I was SPENT. MENTALLY DRAINED. I was SO frustrated that I couldn't get where I wanted to be about being THANKFUL for what Jesus did for me, for us...

Then...4 o'clock Easter morning I woke up & didn't go back to sleep. I grabbed my Bibles & sat in one of my favorite places to read & literally felt like I threw myself in Jesus's lap & CRIED! In my sobbing I could hear the words coming from God: "Child! I love you." In a tone that....WANTED me to STOP worrying & trying to figure it all out...WANTED me to be okay with HOWEVER I was feeling....WANTED me to...stop being so hard on myself. 

After reading Job for the length I had, & wrestling with even more things LIKE: God ALLOWS Satan to jack with us? Couldn't He have spared Job SOME of that grief? Wasn't there SOME other way? If He'll do that to Job, I better GET READY! I came to the conclusion that...ALL of the things I was wrestling with that I didn't understand were BEYOND my understanding. I wasn't going to understand them....no matter how bad I TRIED, or how bad I WANTED to. I had come to that conclusion....which I still didn't LIKE...when I threw myself on Jesus. 

Yet...on his lap, clinging to the ONLY one that would UNDERSTAND me, I felt at peace with my thoughts, with my anger, with my inability to understand, because I FELT SO LOVED.

This book... The Shack. Man... People can say what they want to about it being made up, a hallucination, fiction. I PERSONALLY think The Holy Trinity talks to us ALL differently & I have NO DOUBT that They were talking to Mack. Mmmm. Mmmm. MM. What that man wrestled with... That kind of PAIN. Disappointment. Hurt. Unforgiveness. This book takes an unthinkable TRAGEDY & walks you through God's grace in it...in the UGLY. I LOVE the book. It touched so many different layers of my soul & though none of it, is PROVABLE, I know MY relationship with God, with Jesus, & this ever-developing one with The Holy Spirit has EVERY capability of doing what the characters in this book did for Mack. This book eased me into a better understanding about tragedy, forgiveness, pain, messed up people, the importance of relationships & honesty, & SO much more. 

So now I saw The Holy Trinity working me through ALL those feelings that I was feeling early Easter morning. 

Another thing that I was CONSTANTLY wrestling with was... The Holy Trinity. The order...how they were equal? The same? What? It had me trippin'. 

This book addressed that VERY same struggle & they broke it down for me. Where LOVE & RESPECT are present and perfect....there is no rank. All three members of The Holy Trinity are equally instrumental in the development of our relationships, with each one of them & each other. Talk about LAYERS! Layers of fear, layers of love, layers of pride, layers of pain, layers of shame. Each member of The Holy Trinity instills the wisdom, shows us an example, or takes our hand & leads us where God needs us to go to fulfill His plan. We aren't disrespecting God when we pray to Jesus or the Holy Spirit, because that is what we NEED to make the plan work. We need ALL of their help...equally!

I'm really happy my friend kept urging me to read it! I'm really THANKFUL for it. All sorts of other emotions whirl around, as I think about what had to happen to even bring the book about. I wrestle with those emotions, yet remain THANKFUL for how the book touched me. 

Buck Up Baby & Ride With Jesus....& Papa & Sarayu.....

Day 40: "Living With Purpose"

We are REALLY nearing the end. In the older version of The Purpose Driven Life: What On Earth Am I Here For? by Pastor Warren...the book ends here. The new version has TWO AWESOME additional chapters...that we'll cover over the next couple of days.

So today's a BIG deal that kind of ties this whole book together. If you LET it...this book can help YOU transform your life & buILD a relationship with our ALMIGHTY Father. It has been LIFE-CHANGING for me.....BOTH times.

ULTIMATELY....this chapter helps us to BEGIN to develop our "LIFE PURPOSE STATEMENT." I will share mine with you. I KNOW it will chAnGE, but here is where it is now.

4/14/14 Draft ONE of My Life Purpose Statement:

The Holy Trinity is the center of my life. When anxiety, trouble, stress, worry, or anything else that is the devil's work creeps up, I will call to Him & He will save me. I relinquish myself to Him to use me for His purpose and to bring glory to Him - therefore blessing others and helping others bless others. I will use all of my talents (known & yet to be discovered) for my life purpose: to be more like Jesus, to share my talents and experiences with my church family, believers, and non-believers, to spread his love to all that will listen and do my best to be heard. I will teach my family and friends to love and grow like God wants, so more and more people can bring glory to God. I will help fellow Catholics and Christians learn from each other and learn how to accept and grow from each others differences. I will share The Good News and the way my church has fanned the flame of my spirit and soul. I will share The Good News through whatever method I am gifted in, that will reach someone. I will serve God by using my knowledge and skills to help others collectively raise needed funds through love and support. I will work to strengthen and grow me and my family's depth of servitude by researching missions. I will bring others in. I will work on being happier and more open to accepting God's blessings and trusting that he has me, holds me, and protects me. God is my refuge, my strength, my grace, and my glory. I am His to be used for His good works. God is my center. "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength." Mark 12:30 Amen.

PLEASE refer to the chapter for the BEST ways of developing YOUR statement. There are a couple of other things from this chapter that I'd like to write about.

"Once you know what God wants you to do, the blessing comes in actually doing it." THIS. IS. HARD. Just when you think you're getting the hang of it.....something makes "doing it" really hard. It can be PEOPLE, FINANCIAL SITUATIONS, FEAR, OTHER PEOPLE'S FEAR, CIRCUMSTANCES, YOUR OWN CRAZY...this list could go on. Just don't beat yourself up about it. I did because I want to do things "right." I put WAY too much pressure on myself.

Also from this chapter: "Don't get discouraged when you stumble. It takes a lifetime to build Christlike character." BELIEVE me when I tell you there are things about yourself that you've forgotten or that you've hidden, or that you THINK you've dealt with....so YOU WILL STUMBLE. You've got this.

Couple quotes to help us work on DIRECTION:

"The Bible says, 'Know where you are headed, and you will stay on solid ground.'" & "Proverbs says, 'An intelligent person aims at wise action, but a fool starts off in many directions."'  Well...I've been a "fool" for a LOOooong time, but I'm workin' on it....& I am making progress.

As a PARENT you can bet that PART of your mission will be to raise your babies to KNOW & LOVE Jesus....& I think to give them the ability/knowledge/etc. to SHARE The Good News. It's not double-duty...It's already PART of your mission......PART.......

"...even Jesus didn't meet the needs of everyone while on earth. You have to choose whom you can best help, based on your shape." I'm sitting here smiling because we ALL want to help EVERYONE & we want EVERYONE to "get us" & we want EVERYONE to like us. Go on & get over it. It ain't gonna happen. You won't even be able to help ALL of the people you run into that you CAN help. They have to be open to it & sometimes you are HELPing by planting a seed that someone else will water. HOWEVER, there is a targeted group of people that you are MADE to HELP. I THINK I'm figurin' mine out, but I'm open for it to be another group of people I'm not thinkin' of. Just don't FORCE it. Really... Step through the door when the OPPORTUNITY flings it open.

Listen here... There really are NO EXCUSES. "What matters most is that you fulfill God's eternal purposes regardless of where you live or work or whom you marry. Those decisions should support your purposes. The Bible says, 'Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails.'" Proverbs 19:21 (NIV)

The Daily Stuff:

"Point to Ponder: Living with purpose is the only way to really live."

Daily Bible Verse: "For David...served the purpose of God in his own generation." Acts 13:36 (NASB)

Daily Question: "When will I take the time to write down my answers to life's five great questions? When will I put my purpose on paper."

From My Journal: I will start in my journal today. I am thinking about it NOW. Praise God. Praise Jesus. Praise The Holy Spirit.

If you struggle with the chaos of what to do next I would recommend The One Thing by Gary Keller. I'm in chapter three & I'm already ready to find that first domino. ;). Buck Up Baby & Ride With Jesus! He is good, Good, GOOD to us! God Bless!

Day 38: "Becoming a World-Class Christian"

Today we continue, as we near the end of our journey, through the book: The Purpose Driven Life: What On Earth Am I Here For? by Pastor Rick Warren. Today we are on Day 38.

This chapter talks about A LOT of things...like they all do, such as: going on a mission....well not just A mission...MISSIONS...regularly. It also talks about different ways to work for God's CAUSE & minister to God's PEOPLE. I'm going to share an experience I had...just the other night.

It was OVERWHELMING. So....for all of you that don't know. I made the CHOICE to leave 2 very well paying jobs (2 seperate occasions). I had reached some goals that I ALWAYS wanted to reach: be the first of my family to graduate from college, get a good-paying job where I had insurance & benefits, move up in the company & excel, buy a HOUSE, have a boat, be able to afford to send our children to daycare & give them things I didn't have growing up, become involved in organizations, help people, train others.....

Well...I did that...& it just wasn't all it was cracked up to be. I did all those things. I'm proud of myself for doing a lot of those things. I've learned A LOT from all of those things, but....well...I was STRESSED a lot....especially towards the end & a lot of what these companies were asking me to do was either busy work, not the BEST use of my time (from what I thought....an economic & company standpoint). Just an example is: We'd be asked to set a certain number of meetings with a certain number of people about a NEW product/service we were offering....well before the company itself had its head wrapped around. BELIEVE ME....I get the numbers game & having prospects in the pipeline to convert into sales....but to put in plainly.....THE FOCUS SHIFTED FROM THE NEEDS OF THE INDIVIDUALS/COMPANIES/AGENCIES to what our COMPANY needed. I was trained on NEEDS-BASED selling....& when you try & do both you can't. You'll never 100% FULFILL the needs of the client & the company, when your focus SHIFTS to the company & not your consumer. So I found myself in perdicaments. I was in a perdicament with my beliefs & values. I was in perdicaments with novice managers, who's MAIN focus was to IMPRESS everyone up the line OR invent the next cool thing to help them become noticed.....instead of putting their head down & working in the trenches to pull a team, a building, an office out of the gutter & back on dry land & upper management doing nothing about it & I realized that I WAS NOT REALLY ABLE TO HELP ANYONE...THE WAY I KNEW THEY NEEDED HELP. My hands were tied. I was wearing myself out. I was taking it out on my husband, my kids, myself..... I was grumpy.....even with a house & land & a boat & nice cars & MY BEAUTIFUL FAMILY.

So I sit up one night....literally trying to UNDERSTAND the point & REALIZE...amongst other things that THAT JOB & what THEY expected me to be DID NOT DEFINE ME...it couldn't...That's why I was strugGLING with it. I realized that it wouldn't be easy, but that there was A LOT more. I just had to FIGURE IT OUT & God would be there in ALL of it. I LITERALLY acted on my gut, instincts, passion...whatever you wanna call it. I KNEW that staying where I was, was NOT doing myself any favors, but it wasn't doing my husband or my children any favors either....and I was doing it because we had become a slave to the almighty dollar.

So now we find ourselves..."in the trenches," if you will. We are making WAY less money than before. We are NEEDING to DEPEND on people in some areas....where we never had to & took pride in never having to....We bought a trailer house, which I never wanted to do (BUT...I'M REAL HAPPY ABOUT THE DECISION). I'm not "technically" using my college degree to secure that slam dunk job... I'm sure some people think we've lost it.  We were talking about FINANCES the other night. & well something was said (I honestly don't even know EXACTLY what it was), but I heard it differently than how I had been CHOOSING to here it. Well....it UNRAVELED me. It brought to LIGHT...the fact that I was doing all the things I ONCE took PRIDE in not having to do. Of being 100% COMPLETELY capable of handling that & more. My husband went to sleep. The kids fell asleep & I LITERALLY came UNDONE. I mean UN-FREAKIN-DONE boy! Crying to where I couldn't catch my breath & your nose gets all stopped up. QUESTIONING myself: my abilities, my choices, my reasoning, my spiritual journey, my worth.... WHEW! ALL OF IT. Then thinking...."Like hell, I'm gonna WASTE all this WORK & ENERGY....FRUITFUL work & energy I've done all year... What do I do next?" So....I say God just "TAKE IT FROM ME.... All this negative crap. All this worry & fret & frenzy & irrational thoughts....ALL of this misunderstanding & JUNK. Take it from me & let me sleep & awake clear-minded & FULL of purpose."  I mean....ALL I could do in that moment was SLEEP. I didn't wake up with ALL the answers, but I woke up with the KNOWING of what I would compromise & what I wouldn't. I woke up KNOWING that the devil KNEW just how to bring me to my knees... BUT I also knew it hurt a little, but I WOULDN'T GIVE UP what I KNOW now, for anything I once "knew".....I just had to get creATiVE.

I can't put into words how VALUABLE my relationship is with The Holy Trinity. I really can't....just go get you one! I mean...I think about that ATTACK on my pride....that I did myself & how it KNOCKED me down & how.....if I hadn't walked the walk I've been walking....how the devil could have won. How I could have gave in & abandoned the GOD work I had done. There's NO DOUBT that God would have taken me down a different path, but MAN!!! MAN. God took that situation &....I kinda feel like....took every ounce of my PRIDE that I once had (all the JUNK created by the WORLD's expectations)...handed it over to the devil & said..."Here's your souvenier. You can't have that piece of her anymore." As I woke, I was FILLED with the pride that I AM going in the RIGHT direction (even though I don't ever know what to expect next). That I am what I am & what I am is BLESSED. I'm going to be walking with God "moment to moment," like the book says because making these kind of choices opens me up to criticism & people NOT getting it. We can either let PEOPLE & PERCEPTIONS control us OR allow ourselves to CONTROL our circumstances & experiences TRULY based on what God teaches. It's a POWERFUL thing when you UNmuddy the waters....but you gotta swim through the mud first...

So as you sit there WONDERING how this story applies to this chapter....let me share a few important messages this chapter REVEALED to me through this experience:

"World-class Christians are the only fully alive people on the planet."

"...World-class Christians know they were saved to serve and made for a mission. They are eager to receive a personal assignment and excited about the privilege of being used by God."

"Of course, this is a difficult mental shift because we're naturally self-absorbed and almost all advertising encourages us to think of ourselves. The only way we can make this paradigm switch is by a moment-by-moment dependence on God."

"Your goal is to figure out where others are in their spiritual journey and then do whatever will bring them a step closer to knowing Christ."

"Prayer is the most important tool for your mission in the world. People may refuse our love or reject our message, but they are defenseless against our prayers." (Side note: It's SUPER COOL...when you KNOW all you can do is PRAY for them, you do, & then seeing God work in their lives.)

"The Bible tells us to pray for opportunities to witness, for courage to speak up, for those who will believe, for the rapid spread of the message, and for more workers."

"So much of what we waste our energy on will not matter even a year from now, much less for eternity."

"In one of his most misunderstood statements Jesus said, 'I tell you, use worldly wealth to gain friends for yourselves, so that when it is gone, you will be welcomed into eternal dwellings.' Jesus did not mean for you to 'buy' friends with money. What he meant was that you should use the money God gives you to bring people to Christ. They will then be friends for eternity who will welcome you when you get to heaven!"

"You have probably heard the expression 'You can't take it with you' - but the Bible says you can send it on ahead by investing in people who are going there."

"'Don't say that,' the Lord replied, 'for you must go wherever I send you and say whatever I tell you. And don't be afraid of the people, for I will be with yo
u and take care of you.'"

"God doesn't want to use just some of his people; he wants to use all of his people."

"Jesus said, 'Only those who throw away their lives for my sake and for the sake of the Good News will ever know what it means to really live!'"

Here's the DAILY stuff:

"Point to Ponder: The Great Commission is my commission."

Daily Bible Verse: "Send us around the world with the news of your saving power and your eternal plan for all mankind." Psalm 67:2 (LB)

Daily Question: "What steps can I take to prepare to go on a short-term missions experience in the next year?"

From My Journal:
1) Research It.
2) Be somewhere close.
3) Go as a couple.
4) Save Up.
5) Book It.

Buck Up Baby & Ride With Jesus! There's only FOUR MORE DAYS left in this book, but I KNOW you've already Got LOTS of stuff to keep you buSy.

"Day 23: How We Grow"

On to Day 23 from the book: The Purpose Driven Life: What on Earth Am I Here For? by Pastor Rick Warren.

I feel like there is a line in this chapter that I need to continually read over & OVER again...for the rest of my life! "Nothing shapes your life more than the commitments you choose to make. Your commitments can develop you or they can destroy you, but either way, they will define you....We become whatever we are committed to." -Pastor Warren

We all have commitments: our marriages, our families, our careers, our friendships, our church...

When I was working as a marketing liaison for the skilled nursing facility I learned something....& (no doubt) The Holy Spirit was teaching me....& all the people I came in contact with. I took the job for a couple reasons...one was money. I was SO concerned about having enough $$$ to support my family like I was able to with my previous job. The other was that I'd be able to help people on a level that was SO important to them & help them find solutions. Well....mind you...INTERNALLY I wanted to do the same thing, using my auctioneer license....make enough $$ to help create a good life for my family & HELP PEOPLE on a level that they REALLY needed help with. So I went on for almost a year working as a marketing liaison, going into hospitals, talking to patients & families will all kinds of different needs, diagnosis, backgrounds, financial issues, etc. I talked to doctors, floor nurses, case managers, specialists, hospice managers, home health marketers, administrators, social workers, gatekeepers...

So what did I learn (that applies to this chapter)? I learned that although...I was staying bUsY & I was TRYING to help EVERY patient or family I came in contact with....I couldn't....at least not the way I thought someone in my position would be able to. I also learned as I was getting HOUNDED for not having a 144 page market analysis done (which I was required to do BEFORE OR AFTER my 8-5:30 job & before & after my hour long commute each way) & not "staying on top" of 2 of my BOSSES... that what the company was asking me to do....was REALLY just BuSy work too & wasn't ACCOMPLISHING anything....for anybody really. It also made me see that this money that I was making was coming with a HEAVY price on my part. I was accomplishing one goal....having enough $$$ to provide for my family, but it was SO UNHEALTHY...for everything important to me: my family, my friendships (although I picked up some pretty special ones along the way), myself & my health (physical, mental, & emotional), BUT most importantly MY GOD.

My ability, my drive, & my ENERGY of having the ability to call an auction, raise money for people, & run an auction were all DISCOVERED, GOD-GIVEN talents. STRAIGHT UP....the simple thought that came to me through INTENSE prayer was the CATALYST for the chanGE that you are witnessing....& I was abandoning it....to have enough $$$$ to support my family (what I thought...was enough money)... I think I called one auction the entire year I had that job. I was sitting there in this MISERABLE situation I put myself in, with other MISERABLE people (not all of them, but many) & PRAYING to GOD to give me some answers....when he already had.

When I say the journey we are walking with The Holy Trinity is intense...I mean it, BUT the REALLY intense parts...we usually do to ourselves... ALL I have to do is TRUST in GOD's PLAN. So...besides having to go to work everyday the TOUGHEST part of making the break was explaining to my husband what I felt like I needed to do, understanding & accepting how this choice would look to many PEOPLE, & preparing myself for the hard times, which include: being tight financially, going day to day or auction to auction not knowing how successful or unsuccessful they would be, my husband not understanding what I'm doing & what it takes & losing faith, the critics..., & the process of figuring out EXACTLY what I'm supposed to be doing & HOW to do it. BUT...I know it is a process. I know that what God has planned for me is BIGGER than ANY of my problems. I KNOW that my husband is walking his own spiritual journey & I am WELL familiar with the layers that are getting peeled back & the process that he has to work through to understand it. What is SO beautiful to me is that I can see his FAITH increasing as mine is increasing. It may not be quite as strong (in this area) as mine is, but he is right there with me...working more hours & leaving the house around 4AM most mornings. As I walk this walk there are things that I have to change & different opportunities that present themselves & things that I thought would work that don't, but I KNOW it is the RIGHT path.... I'm not so sure that some of the detours are right, but they all still lead back to the RIGHT path... My work as a marketing liaison was not the right path & I felt it, BUT NOTHING is wasted. The LIFE & SPIRITUAL experience I gained in that position are ALL given to God to bring him the glory & add to my tool bag.

In the MOMENT where I sat down & talked to my husband & told him what I was thinking & MOVED PAST all the FEAR & ANXIETY & DOUBT we BOTH became COMMITTED to following God's plan & not our own. I don't expect EVERYONE to "get it," but I'm glad he got it. I still have FEAR & I know he does too, but I NOW have a DEEPER fear of not DEVELOPING my PURPOSE - GIVEN to me by God.    

Here are some lines that are REALLY important to me from this chapter:

"Spiritual growth is not automatic. It takes an intentional commitment. You must want to grow, decide to grow, make an effort to grow, and persist in growing." (Note: PERSISTING is the tough part.)

"Behind everything you do is a thought. Every behavior is motivated by a belief, and every action is prompted by an attitude." (This line is SO important to me because I tend to downplay myself or extensions of myself. I also doubt myself...quite a bit. It is some layer that is DEEP. I'm aware of it, but don't know exactly how to shake it. I know that it is probably one of the devil's biggest defenses against me & he's PISSED that I even know about it. I should probably read this line every day too.)

"You repent whenever you change the way you think by adopting how God thinks - about yourself, sin, God, other people, life, your future, and everything else." (So here is the answer & DEFINITELY easier said than done.)

"The Bible says that selfish thinking is the source of sinful behaviour: 'Those who live following their sinful selves think only about things that their sinful selves want.' -Romans 8:5 (NCV) The second half of thinking like Jesus is to start thinking maturely, which focuses on others, not yourself." (Stop being selfish & think about others.)

"Point to Ponder: It's never too late to start growing."

Daily Bible Verse: "Let God transform you inwardly by a complete change of your mind. Then you will be able to know the will of God - what is good and is pleasing to him & is perfect." Romans 12:2B (TEV)

Daily Question: "What is one area where I need to stop thinking my way & start thinking God's way?"

From My Journal From the First Time of Reading: In everything really. The first thing that came to mind was my work/job/creative projects surrounding it.

It really is EVERY area. It AMAZES me on just how much I try to CONTROL on my own.

Buck Up Baby & Ride With Jesus! TRUST him & he'll take the lead in EVERY avenue of your life. God Bless!

Day 17: "A Place To Belong"

Welcome readers! For new readers, we are taking a chapter by chapter journey through the book: The Purpose Driven Life: What On Earth Am I Here For? by Pastor Rick Warren.

 This chapter goes into a deep discussion about the importance of CHURCH. I had a little moment with this chapter. I AGREE...being a member of a church & regularly attending ADDS to your spiritual life. It has added to mine TREMENDOUSLY. I have said that the Catholic Church I attend REALLY helped me to KNOW Jesus Christ. BUT...I go back to when I wasn't regularly attending church in my youth & I KNOW that God was DEVELOPING my faith then too. I didn't feel "disconnected" like the book talks about. I felt CONNECTED in a divine way. I can also say that I liked the Lutheran Church that we were members of that I attended (regularly in young youth & not very often in my pre-teen/teenage years). There were things I learned about myself. I remember sitting in confirmation class & we were talking about God's creation & Cain & Able finding wives & I asked "If Adam & Eve were the only humans on earth & their only sons were Cain & Able...well....How did they find wives?" The Bible doesn't talk about him going on to create others, which he did OBVIOUSLY, but I was introduced & MOVED by the mystery of the Bible.

I don't know. I guess what I'm saying is I did a lot of PRIVATE spiritual development in those years that I think were SO important to me. So much so, that when I did start regularly attending another church & eventually becoming a member, it meant so much more for me. I wasn't just blindly going because my parents told me to go. I WANTED to go.

I agree that it is IMPORTANT, but I NEVER felt like what the book says the Bible talks about: "Each of us finds our meaning and function as a part of his body. But as a chopped-off finger or cut-off toe we wouldn't amount to much, would we?" Never felt...dead or useless... Anyways...I digress a bit, but just wanted to say that. I'm going to go into the different sections of the book.

"Your Local Fellowship"

This section again says: "The Bible says a Christian without a church home is like an organ without a body, a sheep without a flock, or a child without a family. It is an unnatural state." I yet struggle with this...BECAUSE...everyone's experience is different & I AGREE we would ALL hugely benefit from the RIGHT church for us & I NEED the church that I regularly attend & appreciate it, BUT...you can be going every Sunday...because that is what we are supposed to do & you can be listening & applying some of the things you learn to your life....You can be an ACTIVE member...an usher, church council member, Eucharistic minister...BUT if you pass judgement or FAIL to help a current member, new member or a non-believer or an on-the-fence church member....how does that make you any better than a church member that is attending, but not actively participating in day-to-day church activities and events, BUT in private helps another member that is struggling. I don't know...It's gonna take me a minute to wrap my head around it. If everyone gives God the glory for whatever their doing than it all would be coming from the right place, but if people are doing things to bring themselves the glory...I just don't know. People are just so complex & we all have a plethora of sin & emotion whirling around us & a plethora of talents & needs that are not cookie cutter, and a lot of churches leave an impression that you have to fit that mold, if you want to fit in & I just can't get with that.

I think that we are all blessed with unique talents & we can all bring something unique to ANY church...even the most traditional. I was a Lutheran & the Catholic church really led me to Jesus. You may be a non-believer that feels left out & judged in a Catholic church, but feels TOTALLY accepted & RIGHT at the United Methodist church. I guess what I'm sayin' is WHATEVER GETS YOU TO JESUS can't be wrong. That is one of our main goals: To get to know Jesus Christ. Another thing....some of us are outgoing & love to be around people. Some of us are more structured and EXCEL at leading a meeting. Some of us are afraid to get up in front of large groups of people & read a reading OR collect the offering. All I'm sayin' is we ALL have a UNiquE way we can add to our church. AGAIN...I AGREE that it is important to be a member of a congregation for MORE than what makes you seem like an "active member." There isn't a right or a wrong gift you can add. A lot of times people don't join a church because they feel intimidated, or don't feel comfortable doing/acting/saying certain things. You have to feel accepted & a church will HELP you develop whatever relationship with The Holy Trinity you are working on.

"Why You Need a Church Family"

I love this book, but I'm not buyin' in to this first line: "I can't claim to be following Christ if I'm not committed to any specific group of disciples." I don't know man... I mean I WAS following Jesus Christ when I was not regularly going. I was committed to him. I prayed to him daily (or almost daily). I reflected back on things I was taught. I mean...I guess if you are just walkin' around sinnin' all the time & not thinkin' about it AT ALL that's one thing... If you didn't take some time to pray & talk to God/Jesus maybe not. BUT I was following Jesus Christ.  Again...not saying a church family is unnecessary, just sayin' that we all go about things a little differently & our aim should always be to get to know God, Jesus, & The Holy Spirit. This section of the book also says: "A church family moves you out of self-centered isolation." I can get with that. You start becoming a part of other peoples lives & you learn lessons from the Bible that encourage you to do just that. You are held more responsible.

Aaaand...as the chapter rolls on...it all starts comin' together for me....

"The Body of Christ needs you." Agreed! I believe that we are supposed to work in numbers. I believe what this chapter says when it says: "God has a unique role for you to play in his family. This is called your 'ministry,' and God has gifted you for this assignment: 'A spiritual gift is given to each of us as a means of helping the entire church.'" Yes Sir -E Bob! Now we're talkin'! Now I KNOW I need to develop & initiate MY ROLE within our church. Here is another important line from this chapter: "Your local fellowship is the place God designed for you to discover, develop, and use your gifts. you may also have a wider ministry, but that is in addition to your service in a local body. Jesus has not promised to build your ministry; he has promised to build his church." His church...which is now HIS body here on earth. Also...what I take away from this is that when we use our spiritual gifts, that God gives us, we are strengthening the church & enabling the body as a WHOLE  to pull people in by the numbers. We all identify with each other differently & the more people using their gifts, the more it will resonate with people. Last thing I took away from the last line I quoted: When we we start developing our ministry...we start DEVELOPING our relationship with GOD. There is a BIG difference in having a relationship & developing one. We all have one, because we are his creation.

"A church family will help keep you from backsliding."

 Folks...I can tell you Jesus is workin' with me right now. Over the last several months I have talked to people about things I KNOW I wouldn't have talked to them about a few months ago. I have talked to them when I didn't want to. I have talked to them when I know they didn't want me to. I have talked about things that I would have maybe been ashamed of or feared judgement. I have encouraged, and believed, and hurt for others. I have BLESSED things (conversations/travels/souls of the deceased/friendships) by prayer in a way I NEVER did before. These are the two lines that helped serve as a catalyst (I think): "'Mind your own business' is not a Christian phrase. We are called and commanded to be involved in each other's lives." Do you wanna know how many times I have "Minded my own business," just so I didn't ruffle any feathers? Too damn many....and I know it. I also know that for every time I "minded my own business" I have left a situation that is NO BETTER today than it was days, or months, or years ago. I'm not sayin' you go out lookin' for things, BUT when something DEEPLY affects you or someone you love & has the potential to HURT, RUIN, or DIVIDE you better get nosy!! Who do you think wants to HURT, RUIN, or DIVIDE??? God or the devil?

"Point to Ponder: I am called to belong, not just believe."

Daily Bible Verse: "In Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others." Romans 12:5 (NIV)

Daily Question: "Does any involvement in my local church demonstrate that I love and am committed to God's family."

From my journal: No. I need to speak with Father about a good role for me. My thought is a different blog where there can be several different contributors & can be shared with anyone that leaves an email address with the church office. Let's say the contributors could be: a younger person that has converted to Catholicism (myself), an older person that converted, someone that grew up in the Catholic church (younger & older) & maybe a Priest or Bishop. That way we can include several different viewpoints from members of the church. We could talk about a plethora of different topics: what certain things in the Catholic church mean, the importance of Saints & Mother Mary, the different ways we each value confession, and a description of the importance of our Holy Days.

Buck Up Baby & Ride With Jesus! Go find you a church that feels like home! God Bless!  

P.S. I just watched an Oprah interview last night with Mike Fisher & Carrie Underwood. Soon after they started dating they started reading this book together....& he's re-reading it (per the interview). Kinda cool.