Angst from Jesus's Perspective - Luke 22:40-44

Easter....the Easter season has seemed so pivotal and transformational to me for the last several years. I KNOW it was, when Jesus finished the work on the cross, but EVERY Easter season for the last....10 years...approximately, I have found myself examining another layer of the importance of the work Jesus did. 

This year, I found myself pondering the angst Jesus experienced....throughout, but mainly before the crucifixion. From the book of Luke:

I don't know if any of you have felt angst. I have on a couple of occasions. Angst is irrational, but the feelings of worry, confusion, feeling lost, aware that whatever could or is getting ready to happen WILL completely change the trajectory of what you know and....the other side of it is....abrupt and swift and NOTHING in life will ever be how it is in the current state of angst. It is like a deep, dreadful......all-encompassing panicked moment of deep mourning BEFORE the change arrives. 

As I transported myself as an observer into this very situation on the Mount of Olives... I imagine Jesus encouraging the disciples to pray, but almost having that feeling of....they are on their own because I need to get myself right. I believe He still very-much cared for them in that moment, but He needed to also care for Himself in that moment.

I can't imagine, in His flesh, that He totally understood why there was not another way....why He had to endure THE WORST FORM OF HUMAN PUNISHMENT known to man, at that time. I imagine Him being so sick to His stomach & weak with worry & also being concerned about discouraging the disciples, while in His current state. 

He KNEW His flesh was going to die and that He would feel every bit of the dying process....every bit of earthly life leaving His body. He imagined what it would feel like. He imagined the pain. He imagined EVERYTHING that was coming ahead. You know....in our flesh....we imagine things much worse than they wind up happening. 

Somehow, as I pondered from this perspective, I came to realize that: Yes. Jesus was crucified on the cross because He loves us & He wanted to save us & join us to Him. But I believe, His FINAL earthly YES was because of His overwhelming LOVE FOR GOD. He was not obedient to us. He was obedient to God. I believe the angel God sent, eased Jesus's worries. I believe that God intervened when He did because of His love for Jesus and His love for us. I believe that Jesus was able to take that massive step of obedient faith because He knew God loved Him and whatever was on the other side of all. that. pain. WAS BETTER. God gave Him the mission. God gave Him the purpose. God gave Him the willingness. God gave Him the way. God gave Him the strength. AND God delivered on His promise. 

He said the most scary, FAITHFUL, obedient YES to God, in history. 

Sitting with this, really strengthens something in me. I don't know what. For sure, my relationships with The Holy Trinity, but also something else. 

If you have never said a fearful yes, to God's call; I encourage you to do it. That yes that Jesus said, is BY FAR the scariest yes I can imagine. I mean......Jesus KNEW that He would lead others like: Peter, Jude, Paul, Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, James, James (son of Zebedee), Bartholomew, Andrew, and so many more, down this painful path - by saying His yes. He said yes to torture, ridicule, pain, mental and emotional strife, betrayal, and He also said YES to LIFE for us all FOREVER. They ALL did. He walked through death, so it would have no hold on us. Whatever we suffer, if we have faith in God, the other side will be better. Buck Up Baby & Ride With Jesus! SAY that fearFUL YES!

Vision Boards - Habakkuk 2:2-3

 

The Lord has really been impressing the importance of getting to know myself....the self He created me to be. So.....for the past two years I have worked really hard to do this. It is a lot harder than one would think, but it also has shown me how little I regarded myself in the past. It has been quite an interesting observation and ADVENTURE!

I have had a lot of really hard things to go through, since starting this journey, but I have also had some real eye opening situations, holy moments, and really.....sweet assurances that He hears me. He sees me. He loves me. AND He has good things planned for me.

I have wanted to create a vision board for years & I finally did last year. I completed it about a year ago. I love analyzing data and progress, so I want to share a few interesting facts with you and encourage you to take the time to CREATE your own vision board. 

I am sharing the above verses, and as you all reflect on them, Habakkuk was a prophet. The Book of Habakkuk has 3 chapters. You could listen to it on audio in about 15 minutes. Habakkuk was having, what I call, a mental wrestling match with God. He could not understand why some people were being treated how they were - when they were dishonoring God. God ultimately tells him, to record his vision, so people from all over can know it and share it, be patient, and wait for it to happen. He also let's Habakkuk know that He sees everything. Why people do the things they do and what is on their hearts. You can listen on audio here: Book of Habakkuk

I am amazed at the results of recording my vision for the year. I truly am. Here is the reality of what God & I accomplished through the recording of my vision. 

I COMPLETED 73% of what I put on my vision board! I did NOT complete 27%, BUT of what I did not complete - 83% are in the works. 

Here are the fruits from our journey:

• Created comfortable spaces at home.
• Made a long-term building decision.
• Now have a porch for fellowship.
• Completed a wave of decluttering.
• The kids regularly assist with chores around the house. 
• Have found new ways to be calmer and reduce stress and anxiety.
• I love being at home. 
• We have CREateD LOTS of things. 
• I have full memories of visiting Waco with my son, mother-in-law & nephew.
• I have full memories of visiting Galveston with all 3 kids & my mom.
• I have super awesome memories with Kyle staying in a tree house in the hill country.
• I practiced and benefited from meditation & shared it with others. 
• I traveled more.
• We organized the outside of our home more.
• We updated some of the rooms inside. 
• I've gotten to know our neighbors better. 

The fruits that are still growing, but not ripe yet are:

• Going on a cruise - but I did book one for the future.
• Attending a concert - Plan to on Kylee's Back to School Shopping Trip in Gruene. 
• Remodel Plan for Bathroom.
• Remodel Plan for Kitchen.
• Mastering our food - have something for us to try. 

Visiting Rockport was the only thing we did not do and I believe it would have happened, if God needed it to. Everything really does happen in His perfect timing. We just have to plant the seeds and allow God to care for them. 

I believe that this success should be attributed to a number of different factors: 

• It was positioned LITERALLY right beside my bed. It is one of the first things I see when I wake up and one of the last things I see before I go to bed. When I come to relax in the bedroom.....it is plainly visible for me to ponder. 
• I created the vision board prayerfully. I put A LOT of thought into it and also allowed creativity to flow with materials that I had available. 
• I LOVED what I saw. I enjoyed looking at it and imagining and planning. 

The intention you have for your life matters. God wants to know them. He wants to help you achieve them. We literally took these thoughts and ideas and grew them together, with me. It really is one of the coolest things to reflect on that I have ever reflected on. It is also one of the most exciting things, to create one for this year, knowing the results of the last. Although I was intentional last year, my intensity has grown for this year, because I was able to witness the power of collaborating with The Holy Trinity. 

I also feel responsible to tell you that your vision is NOT for everyone to know. I feel comfortable sharing this because of the results and the testimony that I can share with others. Guard your visions. The enemy is ALWAYS at work and NOTHING is off limits for him. The enemy works through others, through situations, through every fleshy weakness that he can. DO NOT give him any ammunition.

Yes, God encouraged Habakkuk to record it so people could spread the word and share it. Let them share the fruit. Let them share the accomplishments. Let them share the story....the actual story of what God did in your live with your visions....not before. 

Buck Up Baby & Ride with Jesus! CReAtE that vision board.....that road map for the journey you are about to go on!

Training Ground

 This blog will be about getting where I'm going. The lessons have to take place somewhere and people must witness our imperfections. Lately, I've been reflecting on what has gotten me here. 

I think about one of my other titles....Mom.  Kyle and I just had a conversation with our 3 kids. They like to ask questions about each other like...."What was Kylee like as a baby?" "Was Hunter as chunky as Heath was?" Somehow we got on the subject of Kylee being the oldest and she asked why we did something and Kyle said...LOL "You were the first one. We didn't know what we were doing." 

As we enter different stages of our lives we NEED a training ground. As I make an attempt at relating the two and try to truly capture how GRATEFUL I am for my training grounds, hang with me. I hope this allows you all to have some nostalgic moments FULL of gratefulness for YOUR journey. 

I remember when I was teetering on the idea of building my own business, having the flexibility to buILD the life I envisioned for myself and my family, knocking some barriers down - that were in my way and weighing every. single. thing. I mean....EVERYTHING. 

One of the things that hung me up for awhile was that, up until that point, I had prided myself on my quality of work and I KNEW I would not have the background support....you know, like an accounting department, production department, HR department, like I was used to. I also had never done, what I was getting ready to do so.....I was going in with as much education as I could gather, before beginning the journey blind...and taking others with me. What I mean by that is minimal experience. I had my life experiences on the periphreal of the actual nuts and bolts of the business, but no REAL boots on the ground experience. I had experience within departments of PART of the business. Because I am a person that puts the work in, I had to make damn sure - this JOURNEY I was getting ready to take everyone on was a long-term plan and that I was up for a long adventure. I feel like that again, but that's all that seems familiar. I feel like the next leg of the journey could go several different ways. I also know that it could go different directions than what I'm even aware of, because well....our God is BIG. 

All the feels of this space are so familiar. Imagine.....uncertainty...excitement....motivation...fear of acting....holding onto what I know - instead of just acting.... I know God is always right on time and I can't mess it up, but I always find myself thinking I am missing some sort of CLEAR message and I am getting in my own way. 

I digress....

As parents, we are to "raise our children in the way they should go, so they do not stray from it." Each one of our children have very unique traits and characteristics and God took into account Kyle and I being first time parents, when he blessed us with Kylee. He knew we had what it took to have a second child, change careers, and move home & form an LLC....all at the same time. He also knew that another human needed all of what all four of us could give him. As I reflect on the environments we were in with each three....I'm in awe of Him. 

God KNOWS how I think....and think....and overthink. He provided an opportunity for me to EXPLORE. When I talked to Kyle about it, he was open to it.......and ALL the things had to happen in our lives for him to be open to it. What a wonderful training ground He took us to in Rockport. Three and a half hours from home. He removed distractions and allowed us to focus on us and become who He was calling us to. 

As I sit here typing, and being more aware of the things The Good Lord is calling me to do. I see the last 12 or so years of my life as yet, another training ground. One where people had to witness my growth, the growth of my family, the growth of my faith, the successes, the perceived failures, the way in which I move in between them. Just like I was thankful for my Rockport training ground. I am thankful for this one. This one had a few more dips and curves and peaks and valleys. Now, He is calling US to more. We don't know PRECISELY what it is, but He is and we will find out along the way. 

We all have our training ground, and I have come to believe that God may have multiple purposes for us. OBEDIENCE....EXPLORATION....TRUST....FAITH....COURAGE....PERSEVERANCE... When you BUCK UP BABY & RIDE WITH JESUS it takes all of those things. You best, put them in your saddle bags. 

One of the missions God has for me is simply, sharing my story and sharing my faith, with the hope and intention that it will ENCOURAGE someone else to get to know Jesus. This blog itself, is yet another training ground, where I get to use all the tools in bold above. When you make the choice and saddle up...you will experience it ALL. Your life will be FULL....abundant even. There will be cold, exhausting nights, where you are too broke (in a variety of ways) to do anything but rest....in the cold. Then....He will pick you up out of it and you will be stronger and smarter and better prepared for the next part of the journey.....and it will be an ADVENTURE you would never, ever trade. 

Yes....people will come and go, in and out of your life....and it will HURT. It will bring you grief and sadness and turmoil, but only for a short while. You see, God loves them too. He is teaching them something, just as He's teaching you something. He WILL reward your obedience....small acts, large acts, and continual acts. 

I encourage anyone reading to just sit with Him, even for a few brief moments. Let HIM speak to you, however He chooses and be receptive to hearing Him. Then....in His perfect timing, buck up baby & ride with Jesus!

Perseverance

 Sometimes things just suck. When I look at myself - I think if God put a person by a word...I would be right beside the word perseverance. 

I don't want this post to be depressing, but no promises. 

I am grateful that this word really does describe me. I do know rewards come on the other side of perseverance. I am just really not enjoying this leg of the race. 

For every negative truth I'm getting ready to write.....there are SO many more blessings and I know that. For whatever reason, all I really want to do right now is write this.  For that, I'm sure God will use it to bless someone. Praise God for how he does that!

I'm not really sure if describing the last two years-ish of my life as major change on multiple levels covers it, but for now.....I'll go with it. 

Maybe the most ground-shaking for me was my Dad dying. Even though I believe with all my heart that God is using him right now and he is in a much better place.....and ultimately we are to, I have changed. I'm not entirely sure how and I don't believe the change is complete. What I do know is that I am learning a lot more about myself and the people around me. I feel an overwhelming relief on some layer of my being and I don't know how to be in a state of relief. It doesn't feel right. I also have moments where I REALLY grieve his presence, his advice, the lessons that he taught us. Lately, I've been spending quite a bit of time appreciating the lessons he taught us and how they have shaped our lives. 

The next momentous change in my life has been what I have described several ways, (it depends on the day): 

-A slow crumble to the foundation & then standing in the middle not knowing where and how to rebuild.

-A shaking out of all that needed to be and pivoting with more tools than when I started.

-A next level transition period that has been my most overwhelming to date, as a business owner.

-A pause, looking up and being surrounded by all the decisions I made, bad & good and needing to JUST STOP, and take an accounting of my goals and priorities. 

-A COMPLETE CHANGE from how I do things to how I will do things and just getting geared up for the journey.....and already being wiped out. 

My priorities and my business are morphing and......I'm in the gap. I've gone from having 15+/- employees to me....where I started & by choice and necessity. Making choices....even if they are the best ones for you are not always pleasant or easy. 

These are the two MOST momentous, however.....we go to the next layer.

I've lost a couple other people this year that took the wind out of me. Randy "The Lone Wolf" Martin from Texas Flip'N'Move and Wendy that has worked on the Texas Cotton Gin Fundraising Committee for the last several years. A sadness still comes over me as I type this. I'm not sad for them. They both KNEW Jesus and LOVED HIM BIG. I'm sad for myself, the people in their lives and that their people are hurting. Also....because I want to do or say more, but I, nor anyone else, can be or do anything other than be ourselves and just keep going. Really....there is just a sadness that I am carrying and I know it will get lighter. I'm blessed these beautiful people were a part of my life and I will miss their light. They were lights for me. 

I completed my 6th year on the Texas Association Board of Directors and could not be at the convention, because Dad was on the decline and I was needed at home. I'm really not sure why this has been SO hard for me. I really did enjoy serving. It was time for me to take a break, but I was really looking forward to seeing my auction family and it slightly feels like something is missing....even though I know it is not. 

Markets, across the board, in all the industries I serve, are changing. In real estate we came off of a fast and furious, hard to keep up kind of atmosphere....to one that has drastically slowed down. Personal property has been a completely different animal since during/after the COVID outbreak, and Fundraising has had a positive incline, but components are changing. Covid changed people and anyone that works in an industry dealing with the public has felt that. 

This next layer makes me feel like I am whining, but when part of your livlihood is getting up in front of people and a dental implant procedure that is supposed to take 8 months, winds up taking 2+ years (has nothing to do with the provider) because an under the gum infection requires you to start over and you juggle a mouthpiece, missing tooth, and chipping veneers.....You just don't want to sometimes.

As this backstory is going on there are some SUPER POSITIVE things that are happening in our lives, which helps me to KNOW.....that although the backstory looks like a hot mess, GOOD is coming from it & GOD IS GOOD. I get lost sometimes in whether or not these are attacks from the enemy or if God is allowing them to bring me closer to who He has created me to be. Either way....PERSEVERANCE will get me to the other side. I might be wore out and dog tired, but I will get there. 

And you know....what it interesting about this place is that, after I allow myself to feel, relief happens and new energy is born. The truth is, we all have these wrestles and we all have wrestles that pile up on top of us. It doesn't make them any easier knowing that, and because we've all been through it, we should work on really offering grace to others in the gap. 

I had a friend call me yesterday. By all accounts, he looks like he is killin' it in life and in business. Bottom line....we shared our burdens, and while our burdens weren't the same; we were able to listen and share openly and honestly with one another. He is killin' it, but he's also needing a pause. It's taken some self-discovery  to accept that both of those things can be true simultaneously, but it is so. We can ROCK & be tired at the same time. Being tired doesn't make you less than who you are. It shows you are human and allows you to relate to other humans. It also teaches you lessons that YOU MUST GO THROUGH to get to the NEXT LEVEL God has planned for you. You can mourn the person....the business...the dream of who you were, while you are getting stronger and stepping more firmly into the place God is holding for you. God wastes NOTHING! 

FOLKS, it is REALLY important that we are nice to each other right now. While there might be a picture of me beside perseverance, everybody's won't be. I've talked about one of my managers before. He used to tell me that I seem to always do multiple high stress things at the same time. It is just how things have fallen in my life. Over time I have learned just how abnormal that is. I wasn't even aware until he had brought it to my attention. While I am grateful for my own life experience, helping me in this... just......ever-changing place I have found myself in ---- it would be a REALLY hard place to navigate without experience, without faith, and without perseverance. 

I truly do pray that this helps somebody in some way. Although it is overwhelmingly transparent on my end, it also feels VERY good to put this out into the atmosphere. Holy Spirit, take it where You will, in Jesus Name. Amen!

God has a Message in the Mountains

 It's been 3 months since I took a break from my second journey through The Bible. The first time, I read it cover to cover. This time, I am reading some of the Old Testament, Some of the New Testament, and some of the Psalms. 

As I opened up my journal and looked at my notes from my last entry, I wrote: "Pay attention to the mountains. God has a message in the mountains." 

Because of my walk with Jesus, I know nothing is a coincidence. God encourages in many different ways and he knew I would need this today.

The last several months have been overwhelming to say the least. I had a boss one time that told me, when I make a change it involves most of the biggest stressors in life at one time. Example: Getting a new job, getting married, moving. He said it to me again when I was pregnant, moving again, changing jobs. Then one last time (before I went to another company) when: my Dad was in the hospital, I was pregnant, moving, & changing jobs once again...and trying to sell our house. 

Those are mountains to me. Lots of life-changing/altering events accumulating and building up to the other side. ALWAYS the steeper the climb, the more fun the slide. 

As I look back at life - (which is one of the messages the Good Lord has reminded me of the last several months), I can see his divine appointment. I can see the doors and windows he strategically shut, that I continued to try and crawl through and walk through....even beat down sometimes. He is patient with us & He calls us to be patient. 

Last week, I was reaching that weary place. I was believing that it would get better, but getting tired, wanting to know when, & what I NEEDED TO DO. My Bible was beside my bed & I went, picked it up, opened it randomly, and read a piece out of the Book of Job.

I've always had a weird relationship with that book. Even now I cringe some to think about all he had to endure. Even now, as I type this, I see myself drifting back to all the loss and hardship KNOWING that he was blessed with double of what he had. Mainly, I think about the relationships. I think about his friends THINKING THAT THEY WERE HELPING, but emotionally beating Job up more. I honed in last week on Job's friends being called to be obedient in their sin, repent, and to have Job pray for them. Job had to forgive them also. Once he brought offerings to the alter and prayed for them, God began the PROCESS of restoring Job. As I sit here typing this, I find myself wondering - what if one of his friends was not obedient? What if none of them were? 

I'm fairly certain the answer is: God will find another way or create another way. I come to this conclusion based on just how many doors the Good Lord has shut for me, to get to where He's trying to get me. 

Now to get to the meat of my thoughts....

I didn't really look at all of those life-changing periods as mountains until I was able to look back. Now, I KNOW that I am in the middle of a climb and it is the biggest mountain I have ever taken on. The thing about God's mountains is that you  don't even know you are on them, until you are. I have related this before to riding a horse that starts to buck....especially when you climb on one, not really knowing what to expect. When it unwinds, you just do what you naturally know to do to stay on. You will either ride it through or fall off - in which case, I would get back on and start again. We can always get back on and start again. 

On this mountain of mine I find myself opting for paths of least resistance. It is less about making something happen and more about riding through the jump or pausing for a moment on the climb and paying attention to what is around me. I'm not so much focused on making something stop as I am at seeing where - whatever is happening is taking me. 

Currently, my Dad's health has experienced quite the decline. I find myself concerned for him and also concerned for my Mom, my Uncle, what life looks for all of us after/if he gets out of the hospital. Before his health started to drastically decline I was in the process of transforming my business.....out of more necessity than desire. Although there were some EXTREMELY hard doors I had to close and leave closed, I know the Good Lord needs them closed. He needs them closed for the plan He has for ME and the plan He has for those that I had to close the doors on. The story of Job reminds us that we will not always like what we experience. We won't always want to, but He's calling us to. I also know, in my life experience, sometimes you miss the call or you don't recognize the call. If we keep pursuing Him, He will show us another way or make one. 

We've had some other high-level stressors going on in our world and I have to say....when I reached that weary place, I felt like Job. When all of his servants came to tell him about all the calamaties they witnessed. He had no way to address them all, some just were, and some just had to be. He was doused with hardship, like waves coming over the top of you, just barely able to maintain air to breath. Feeling aimless to a degree because things were changing so quickly and you didn't expect it, much less have the ability to have any kind of plan in place on how to cope. 

My husband came up with something one day as we were brainstorming my business pivot and, as time has gone on, The Good Lord has given be consistent reminders of the premise of the message.... "Be You." When I feel like writing a blog, but I'm not sure what to write, I get that gentle nudge of "be you." When I'm numb with grieving and feel like....& may be an asshole, I get that gentle nudge of "be you." When I feel a deep sadness for a big chunk of my life becoming a memory and want to cry and scream and sleep, I get that gentle nudge of "be you." Some of this stuff really sucks, but it is also real feelings. 

I do believe that part of my "Now," is to share how I cope in those "be you" moments. I'm not sure what The Good Lord is going to do with them, but I don't need to. I'm....riding the wave, pausing as the rocks slide down the mountainside, riding through the jump and then reacting....naturally.

Here I am.....having moments of hyper-focus and moments of authentic funk. Buck Up Baby & Ride With Jesus! It won't always be fun, but it will always be worth it. When I was reading through Psalms three months ago & wrote about the different mountains and how there was more of a message in the mountains, than just the mountain itself....the location; little did I know the journey I was about to embark on was going to provide meaning to that thought. 

Words & Deeds

 There is power in your words and even more power in your actions. In almost every situation, every decision that has to be made you have the power...yes YOU have the power to either encourage, enhance, motivate and show kindness OR partner with the enemy and seek to steal, kill, & destroy (John 10:10). It really is that simple. If that decision is grounded in the love of the Father, it will be LIFE-GIVING. 

Review your day.... Think about decisions you made: conversations you had, speaking without considering how the other person may receive it, posting something, not communicating an important update.... What were they grounded in?: love, hope, faith, or fear, anger, self-seeking desire, money... Think about it folks. 

Drill all the way down on it. Did you make the decision you did because you have done all you know to do and this decision is what you believe is best for all involved OR did you make the decision you made out of disagreement and judgement and not uncover the complete truth of the situation? Did you act on emotions invoked by half-truths or facts and whole-truths? Be brave enough to be honest with yourself and KNOW that God loves you no matter what. 

People that I love dearly and others I respect, have done and said and posted things lately and I'm not so sure they understand the POWER of their words and/or actions. Stop telling people what they should do, how they should do it, using people, manipulating people and situations and think that you have the authority to do it! GOD gives each and every one of us free-will and we should do the same for each other. 

You are either dividing or bringing together. You are either encouraging out of love, out of fear, or out of selfish motives. Love the people you want to love on and leave everyone else alone. 

When you operate in a place of fear, anger, money, self-seeking desires.....you are partnering with the enemy. You are allowing the enemy to use you. 

Have you guys seen what's going on in the world???? Nobody's got time for that. There is plenty of hate and fear in the world right now. Buck Up & GET. IT. TOGETHER. 

For real....we all have many, many choices every single day. Choose who you want to work with (Jesus or Satan). Your decisions show your heart. The wonderful, wonderful, BEAUTIFUL gift God has given us in Jesus, not only gives us power, but also gives us the blessed gift of FORGIVENESS! Did you make a decision rooted in sin? Guess what......turn your heart to Jesus, repent, & it is TOTALLY FORGIVEN! WIPED CLEAN!!! If you get bucked off....BUCK UP BABY & RIDE WITH JESUS! He will get you back in the saddle over and over and over again.....as many times as you need to build  YOUR trust in Him. 

Anxiety.....a wilderness all it's own.

 This week, when I meditate on things I have learned in my Bible study, what seems to keep coming to the surface and linking back to others situations and people is......my anxiety. 

It's really a weird thing for me to talk about. I feel like talking about it gives it power, but really....not talking about it gives it power. I don't want people to see a weakness in me, and I REALLY wrestle because MY. ENTIRE. LIFE. I have found ways to function & talking about it was weakness....whining, not being tough.....& believe me being "tough" was VERY important to me.

My anxiety had to reach a level that I physically felt a loss of control. That happened with me, when I had a mild panic attack when my son told me something. We were getting ready to go somewhere & he simply told me that he had already grabbed his brother's bag. In my mind, I knew that all was okay & was not alarmed, BUT MY BODY reacted differently. My heart started beating, I got short of breath, slightly dizzy, and had to lay down and allow my body to settle down. 

Everyone's anxiety is different. We may have the same symptoms, but different triggers. I don't necessarily look at it as an illness or a condition, & maybe it is....maybe I should. I consider it a cross that is mine to bear & Jesus will carry it with me, until I get to the other side....redemption from anxiety. 

We've been talking about "the desert" a lot lately. Today, as I was having a REAL wrestle with anxiety, I realized that anxiety attacks (my term) are very much "the desert." For me, that wrestle included: frustration, feelings of inadequacy (mainly regarding my judgement) - which made me question my past judgement, second-guessing of my decisions - which then took me down a rabbit hole of second-guessing decisions on a completely unrelated topic half a decade ago, crying - to get the frenzy of emotions out, REALLY not wanting to interact with people.... (I'm not sure if it was because of how annoyed I was or I was concerned about my ability to be a pleasant person towards them.) Once I felt the fury of emotions dying down, I felt exhausted. So exhausted that I did not think I was going to want to do much of anything the rest of the day. My friends....THIS is why depression is linked with anxiety.

I am SO grateful for my Jesus. I know, for a fact, a "desert" moment, the summer between my Freshman & Sophomore year in high school, I. FOUND. JESUS. He met me in the desert. My desert. I have wrestled with anxiety EVERY. DAY. of my life. I never called it that. I just lived. I just coped. I just found a way. I remember where I was in my room when I CRIED & prayed & sat on my floor and had a conversation with Jesus for HOURS & asked Him to help me make sense of things. I asked Him to be with me moment by moment, in school, when things were said or done that I didn't understand. 

I am SO grateful for Jesus, because that day....He showed me HOPE instead of despair and confusion and frenzy. He was FAITHFUL to me. Today, after I had my anxiety attack, I felt my body level back out & instead of turning on myself criticizing & self-analyzing myself, I welcomed Jesus. I listened to what He had to say. HE BRINGS HOPE. Truly, TRULY....I do not know where I would be today, if I had not found Him. 

Knowing and understanding how my mind works has made a TREMENDOUS difference in my life. I suppose I finally reached a point where I laid my ego down...and accepted the help versus being "tough" and handling it myself. 

The biggest thing I want people to take away from this blog is: To someone with anxiety, EVERYTHING MATTERS & EVERYONE MATTERS. I look back at my life & I can tell you.... FOR. A. FACT.... my anxiety & me not knowing how to manage it, has made me a real asshole sometimes. (I don't know another word that sums things up, quite like that one.) I spout out words that I have not processed, but have shot out based on MY emotions & insecurities. I get in defense mode because that is the message my brain tells my body. (Praise Jesus I have learned more about sorting those messages out.) My intensity has been misinterpreted more than once. My anxiety pulls my attention in, with a laser-like focus. It can be so intense for others. It's like corners can't be cut....AT ALL. EVERY. SINGLE. DETAIL. is important. In my anxiety attacks, the words, actions, and reactions of others is perceived with a heightened INTENSITY. It just happens. I have to deal with it, AFTER I experience it. I can't speak for everyone with anxiety....only myself, but I do NOT want to hurt anyone EVER. I want to make EVERYONE happy. I want to HELP anyway I can. When I am focused in I will go above and beyond & back again to find a way and make a way....& I WILL find a way. I will chase after multiple ideas to a state of exhaustion.....which I now know to pay attention to. 

You can not FULLY understand a person's anxiety. You can not tell them how they should be or what they should do. They are MOST LIKELY trying with all they've got to get there already because they WANT to make you happy, leave you satisfied, earn your respect, prove their worth. We have to figure ourselves out. What makes us tick? What are our triggers? When we should remove ourselves from a situation? 

I'm sure someone in your life suffers from anxiety. Buck Up Baby & Ride With Jesus! HELP your people find Jesus. I can tell you....without Jesus, by now the weight that comes with anxiety would be SO overwhelming. Almost unbearable. Help them cope & introduce them to Jesus. God Bless.