Perseverance

 Sometimes things just suck. When I look at myself - I think if God put a person by a word...I would be right beside the word perseverance. 

I don't want this post to be depressing, but no promises. 

I am grateful that this word really does describe me. I do know rewards come on the other side of perseverance. I am just really not enjoying this leg of the race. 

For every negative truth I'm getting ready to write.....there are SO many more blessings and I know that. For whatever reason, all I really want to do right now is write this.  For that, I'm sure God will use it to bless someone. Praise God for how he does that!

I'm not really sure if describing the last two years-ish of my life as major change on multiple levels covers it, but for now.....I'll go with it. 

Maybe the most ground-shaking for me was my Dad dying. Even though I believe with all my heart that God is using him right now and he is in a much better place.....and ultimately we are to, I have changed. I'm not entirely sure how and I don't believe the change is complete. What I do know is that I am learning a lot more about myself and the people around me. I feel an overwhelming relief on some layer of my being and I don't know how to be in a state of relief. It doesn't feel right. I also have moments where I REALLY grieve his presence, his advice, the lessons that he taught us. Lately, I've been spending quite a bit of time appreciating the lessons he taught us and how they have shaped our lives. 

The next momentous change in my life has been what I have described several ways, (it depends on the day): 

-A slow crumble to the foundation & then standing in the middle not knowing where and how to rebuild.

-A shaking out of all that needed to be and pivoting with more tools than when I started.

-A next level transition period that has been my most overwhelming to date, as a business owner.

-A pause, looking up and being surrounded by all the decisions I made, bad & good and needing to JUST STOP, and take an accounting of my goals and priorities. 

-A COMPLETE CHANGE from how I do things to how I will do things and just getting geared up for the journey.....and already being wiped out. 

My priorities and my business are morphing and......I'm in the gap. I've gone from having 15+/- employees to me....where I started & by choice and necessity. Making choices....even if they are the best ones for you are not always pleasant or easy. 

These are the two MOST momentous, however.....we go to the next layer.

I've lost a couple other people this year that took the wind out of me. Randy "The Lone Wolf" Martin from Texas Flip'N'Move and Wendy that has worked on the Texas Cotton Gin Fundraising Committee for the last several years. A sadness still comes over me as I type this. I'm not sad for them. They both KNEW Jesus and LOVED HIM BIG. I'm sad for myself, the people in their lives and that their people are hurting. Also....because I want to do or say more, but I, nor anyone else, can be or do anything other than be ourselves and just keep going. Really....there is just a sadness that I am carrying and I know it will get lighter. I'm blessed these beautiful people were a part of my life and I will miss their light. They were lights for me. 

I completed my 6th year on the Texas Association Board of Directors and could not be at the convention, because Dad was on the decline and I was needed at home. I'm really not sure why this has been SO hard for me. I really did enjoy serving. It was time for me to take a break, but I was really looking forward to seeing my auction family and it slightly feels like something is missing....even though I know it is not. 

Markets, across the board, in all the industries I serve, are changing. In real estate we came off of a fast and furious, hard to keep up kind of atmosphere....to one that has drastically slowed down. Personal property has been a completely different animal since during/after the COVID outbreak, and Fundraising has had a positive incline, but components are changing. Covid changed people and anyone that works in an industry dealing with the public has felt that. 

This next layer makes me feel like I am whining, but when part of your livlihood is getting up in front of people and a dental implant procedure that is supposed to take 8 months, winds up taking 2+ years (has nothing to do with the provider) because an under the gum infection requires you to start over and you juggle a mouthpiece, missing tooth, and chipping veneers.....You just don't want to sometimes.

As this backstory is going on there are some SUPER POSITIVE things that are happening in our lives, which helps me to KNOW.....that although the backstory looks like a hot mess, GOOD is coming from it & GOD IS GOOD. I get lost sometimes in whether or not these are attacks from the enemy or if God is allowing them to bring me closer to who He has created me to be. Either way....PERSEVERANCE will get me to the other side. I might be wore out and dog tired, but I will get there. 

And you know....what it interesting about this place is that, after I allow myself to feel, relief happens and new energy is born. The truth is, we all have these wrestles and we all have wrestles that pile up on top of us. It doesn't make them any easier knowing that, and because we've all been through it, we should work on really offering grace to others in the gap. 

I had a friend call me yesterday. By all accounts, he looks like he is killin' it in life and in business. Bottom line....we shared our burdens, and while our burdens weren't the same; we were able to listen and share openly and honestly with one another. He is killin' it, but he's also needing a pause. It's taken some self-discovery  to accept that both of those things can be true simultaneously, but it is so. We can ROCK & be tired at the same time. Being tired doesn't make you less than who you are. It shows you are human and allows you to relate to other humans. It also teaches you lessons that YOU MUST GO THROUGH to get to the NEXT LEVEL God has planned for you. You can mourn the person....the business...the dream of who you were, while you are getting stronger and stepping more firmly into the place God is holding for you. God wastes NOTHING! 

FOLKS, it is REALLY important that we are nice to each other right now. While there might be a picture of me beside perseverance, everybody's won't be. I've talked about one of my managers before. He used to tell me that I seem to always do multiple high stress things at the same time. It is just how things have fallen in my life. Over time I have learned just how abnormal that is. I wasn't even aware until he had brought it to my attention. While I am grateful for my own life experience, helping me in this... just......ever-changing place I have found myself in ---- it would be a REALLY hard place to navigate without experience, without faith, and without perseverance. 

I truly do pray that this helps somebody in some way. Although it is overwhelmingly transparent on my end, it also feels VERY good to put this out into the atmosphere. Holy Spirit, take it where You will, in Jesus Name. Amen!

God has a Message in the Mountains

 It's been 3 months since I took a break from my second journey through The Bible. The first time, I read it cover to cover. This time, I am reading some of the Old Testament, Some of the New Testament, and some of the Psalms. 

As I opened up my journal and looked at my notes from my last entry, I wrote: "Pay attention to the mountains. God has a message in the mountains." 

Because of my walk with Jesus, I know nothing is a coincidence. God encourages in many different ways and he knew I would need this today.

The last several months have been overwhelming to say the least. I had a boss one time that told me, when I make a change it involves most of the biggest stressors in life at one time. Example: Getting a new job, getting married, moving. He said it to me again when I was pregnant, moving again, changing jobs. Then one last time (before I went to another company) when: my Dad was in the hospital, I was pregnant, moving, & changing jobs once again...and trying to sell our house. 

Those are mountains to me. Lots of life-changing/altering events accumulating and building up to the other side. ALWAYS the steeper the climb, the more fun the slide. 

As I look back at life - (which is one of the messages the Good Lord has reminded me of the last several months), I can see his divine appointment. I can see the doors and windows he strategically shut, that I continued to try and crawl through and walk through....even beat down sometimes. He is patient with us & He calls us to be patient. 

Last week, I was reaching that weary place. I was believing that it would get better, but getting tired, wanting to know when, & what I NEEDED TO DO. My Bible was beside my bed & I went, picked it up, opened it randomly, and read a piece out of the Book of Job.

I've always had a weird relationship with that book. Even now I cringe some to think about all he had to endure. Even now, as I type this, I see myself drifting back to all the loss and hardship KNOWING that he was blessed with double of what he had. Mainly, I think about the relationships. I think about his friends THINKING THAT THEY WERE HELPING, but emotionally beating Job up more. I honed in last week on Job's friends being called to be obedient in their sin, repent, and to have Job pray for them. Job had to forgive them also. Once he brought offerings to the alter and prayed for them, God began the PROCESS of restoring Job. As I sit here typing this, I find myself wondering - what if one of his friends was not obedient? What if none of them were? 

I'm fairly certain the answer is: God will find another way or create another way. I come to this conclusion based on just how many doors the Good Lord has shut for me, to get to where He's trying to get me. 

Now to get to the meat of my thoughts....

I didn't really look at all of those life-changing periods as mountains until I was able to look back. Now, I KNOW that I am in the middle of a climb and it is the biggest mountain I have ever taken on. The thing about God's mountains is that you  don't even know you are on them, until you are. I have related this before to riding a horse that starts to buck....especially when you climb on one, not really knowing what to expect. When it unwinds, you just do what you naturally know to do to stay on. You will either ride it through or fall off - in which case, I would get back on and start again. We can always get back on and start again. 

On this mountain of mine I find myself opting for paths of least resistance. It is less about making something happen and more about riding through the jump or pausing for a moment on the climb and paying attention to what is around me. I'm not so much focused on making something stop as I am at seeing where - whatever is happening is taking me. 

Currently, my Dad's health has experienced quite the decline. I find myself concerned for him and also concerned for my Mom, my Uncle, what life looks for all of us after/if he gets out of the hospital. Before his health started to drastically decline I was in the process of transforming my business.....out of more necessity than desire. Although there were some EXTREMELY hard doors I had to close and leave closed, I know the Good Lord needs them closed. He needs them closed for the plan He has for ME and the plan He has for those that I had to close the doors on. The story of Job reminds us that we will not always like what we experience. We won't always want to, but He's calling us to. I also know, in my life experience, sometimes you miss the call or you don't recognize the call. If we keep pursuing Him, He will show us another way or make one. 

We've had some other high-level stressors going on in our world and I have to say....when I reached that weary place, I felt like Job. When all of his servants came to tell him about all the calamaties they witnessed. He had no way to address them all, some just were, and some just had to be. He was doused with hardship, like waves coming over the top of you, just barely able to maintain air to breath. Feeling aimless to a degree because things were changing so quickly and you didn't expect it, much less have the ability to have any kind of plan in place on how to cope. 

My husband came up with something one day as we were brainstorming my business pivot and, as time has gone on, The Good Lord has given be consistent reminders of the premise of the message.... "Be You." When I feel like writing a blog, but I'm not sure what to write, I get that gentle nudge of "be you." When I'm numb with grieving and feel like....& may be an asshole, I get that gentle nudge of "be you." When I feel a deep sadness for a big chunk of my life becoming a memory and want to cry and scream and sleep, I get that gentle nudge of "be you." Some of this stuff really sucks, but it is also real feelings. 

I do believe that part of my "Now," is to share how I cope in those "be you" moments. I'm not sure what The Good Lord is going to do with them, but I don't need to. I'm....riding the wave, pausing as the rocks slide down the mountainside, riding through the jump and then reacting....naturally.

Here I am.....having moments of hyper-focus and moments of authentic funk. Buck Up Baby & Ride With Jesus! It won't always be fun, but it will always be worth it. When I was reading through Psalms three months ago & wrote about the different mountains and how there was more of a message in the mountains, than just the mountain itself....the location; little did I know the journey I was about to embark on was going to provide meaning to that thought. 

Words & Deeds

 There is power in your words and even more power in your actions. In almost every situation, every decision that has to be made you have the power...yes YOU have the power to either encourage, enhance, motivate and show kindness OR partner with the enemy and seek to steal, kill, & destroy (John 10:10). It really is that simple. If that decision is grounded in the love of the Father, it will be LIFE-GIVING. 

Review your day.... Think about decisions you made: conversations you had, speaking without considering how the other person may receive it, posting something, not communicating an important update.... What were they grounded in?: love, hope, faith, or fear, anger, self-seeking desire, money... Think about it folks. 

Drill all the way down on it. Did you make the decision you did because you have done all you know to do and this decision is what you believe is best for all involved OR did you make the decision you made out of disagreement and judgement and not uncover the complete truth of the situation? Did you act on emotions invoked by half-truths or facts and whole-truths? Be brave enough to be honest with yourself and KNOW that God loves you no matter what. 

People that I love dearly and others I respect, have done and said and posted things lately and I'm not so sure they understand the POWER of their words and/or actions. Stop telling people what they should do, how they should do it, using people, manipulating people and situations and think that you have the authority to do it! GOD gives each and every one of us free-will and we should do the same for each other. 

You are either dividing or bringing together. You are either encouraging out of love, out of fear, or out of selfish motives. Love the people you want to love on and leave everyone else alone. 

When you operate in a place of fear, anger, money, self-seeking desires.....you are partnering with the enemy. You are allowing the enemy to use you. 

Have you guys seen what's going on in the world???? Nobody's got time for that. There is plenty of hate and fear in the world right now. Buck Up & GET. IT. TOGETHER. 

For real....we all have many, many choices every single day. Choose who you want to work with (Jesus or Satan). Your decisions show your heart. The wonderful, wonderful, BEAUTIFUL gift God has given us in Jesus, not only gives us power, but also gives us the blessed gift of FORGIVENESS! Did you make a decision rooted in sin? Guess what......turn your heart to Jesus, repent, & it is TOTALLY FORGIVEN! WIPED CLEAN!!! If you get bucked off....BUCK UP BABY & RIDE WITH JESUS! He will get you back in the saddle over and over and over again.....as many times as you need to build  YOUR trust in Him. 

Anxiety.....a wilderness all it's own.

 This week, when I meditate on things I have learned in my Bible study, what seems to keep coming to the surface and linking back to others situations and people is......my anxiety. 

It's really a weird thing for me to talk about. I feel like talking about it gives it power, but really....not talking about it gives it power. I don't want people to see a weakness in me, and I REALLY wrestle because MY. ENTIRE. LIFE. I have found ways to function & talking about it was weakness....whining, not being tough.....& believe me being "tough" was VERY important to me.

My anxiety had to reach a level that I physically felt a loss of control. That happened with me, when I had a mild panic attack when my son told me something. We were getting ready to go somewhere & he simply told me that he had already grabbed his brother's bag. In my mind, I knew that all was okay & was not alarmed, BUT MY BODY reacted differently. My heart started beating, I got short of breath, slightly dizzy, and had to lay down and allow my body to settle down. 

Everyone's anxiety is different. We may have the same symptoms, but different triggers. I don't necessarily look at it as an illness or a condition, & maybe it is....maybe I should. I consider it a cross that is mine to bear & Jesus will carry it with me, until I get to the other side....redemption from anxiety. 

We've been talking about "the desert" a lot lately. Today, as I was having a REAL wrestle with anxiety, I realized that anxiety attacks (my term) are very much "the desert." For me, that wrestle included: frustration, feelings of inadequacy (mainly regarding my judgement) - which made me question my past judgement, second-guessing of my decisions - which then took me down a rabbit hole of second-guessing decisions on a completely unrelated topic half a decade ago, crying - to get the frenzy of emotions out, REALLY not wanting to interact with people.... (I'm not sure if it was because of how annoyed I was or I was concerned about my ability to be a pleasant person towards them.) Once I felt the fury of emotions dying down, I felt exhausted. So exhausted that I did not think I was going to want to do much of anything the rest of the day. My friends....THIS is why depression is linked with anxiety.

I am SO grateful for my Jesus. I know, for a fact, a "desert" moment, the summer between my Freshman & Sophomore year in high school, I. FOUND. JESUS. He met me in the desert. My desert. I have wrestled with anxiety EVERY. DAY. of my life. I never called it that. I just lived. I just coped. I just found a way. I remember where I was in my room when I CRIED & prayed & sat on my floor and had a conversation with Jesus for HOURS & asked Him to help me make sense of things. I asked Him to be with me moment by moment, in school, when things were said or done that I didn't understand. 

I am SO grateful for Jesus, because that day....He showed me HOPE instead of despair and confusion and frenzy. He was FAITHFUL to me. Today, after I had my anxiety attack, I felt my body level back out & instead of turning on myself criticizing & self-analyzing myself, I welcomed Jesus. I listened to what He had to say. HE BRINGS HOPE. Truly, TRULY....I do not know where I would be today, if I had not found Him. 

Knowing and understanding how my mind works has made a TREMENDOUS difference in my life. I suppose I finally reached a point where I laid my ego down...and accepted the help versus being "tough" and handling it myself. 

The biggest thing I want people to take away from this blog is: To someone with anxiety, EVERYTHING MATTERS & EVERYONE MATTERS. I look back at my life & I can tell you.... FOR. A. FACT.... my anxiety & me not knowing how to manage it, has made me a real asshole sometimes. (I don't know another word that sums things up, quite like that one.) I spout out words that I have not processed, but have shot out based on MY emotions & insecurities. I get in defense mode because that is the message my brain tells my body. (Praise Jesus I have learned more about sorting those messages out.) My intensity has been misinterpreted more than once. My anxiety pulls my attention in, with a laser-like focus. It can be so intense for others. It's like corners can't be cut....AT ALL. EVERY. SINGLE. DETAIL. is important. In my anxiety attacks, the words, actions, and reactions of others is perceived with a heightened INTENSITY. It just happens. I have to deal with it, AFTER I experience it. I can't speak for everyone with anxiety....only myself, but I do NOT want to hurt anyone EVER. I want to make EVERYONE happy. I want to HELP anyway I can. When I am focused in I will go above and beyond & back again to find a way and make a way....& I WILL find a way. I will chase after multiple ideas to a state of exhaustion.....which I now know to pay attention to. 

You can not FULLY understand a person's anxiety. You can not tell them how they should be or what they should do. They are MOST LIKELY trying with all they've got to get there already because they WANT to make you happy, leave you satisfied, earn your respect, prove their worth. We have to figure ourselves out. What makes us tick? What are our triggers? When we should remove ourselves from a situation? 

I'm sure someone in your life suffers from anxiety. Buck Up Baby & Ride With Jesus! HELP your people find Jesus. I can tell you....without Jesus, by now the weight that comes with anxiety would be SO overwhelming. Almost unbearable. Help them cope & introduce them to Jesus. God Bless. 

May We All Have the Courage to Find Jesus in the Desert

In Exodus 3:1-10 Moses was watching Jethro, his father-in-law's, sheep. God appeared to him in a burning bush. Our Bible study, this week, has challenged us to listen for God in the desert. I caught myself trying to replace the word "desert" with "wilderness."

The "wilderness" to me is beautiful. There are trees and grass and streams and breezes....places to seclude ourselves and enjoy nature. That is not what I think about when I think about the desert. I think of sand and wind and sand getting in my eyes and mouth and having limited beauty of creation to enjoy and surely no place to hide or seclude ourselves. 

I knew God wanted me to mediate on the "desert" and not the "wilderness." In my flesh I did not want to, but in my spirit I truly long for the moments, like Moses received in the desert. How amazing to witness a burning bush, that would not burn away & to hear the voice of God speaking DIRECTLY to him. God longing for his attention so deeply, that he created a wonder, that drew his attention and then spoke a message that He knew Moses would never forget. There were very limited distractions, allowing the message God had for him to be much clearer. It makes the desert seem like an okay place. 

As I continue to meditate on this....the thoughts that keep coming to mind, is just. how. hard. walking through the desert is. 

When I think figuratively about the desert...I think about being alone. I think about wandering. I think about being delirious with nothing and the continual motion of nothing. I think about traveling long periods of time and seeing nothing. 

But then...when I think about FINALLY seeing SOMETHING in the desert I imagine latching on, exploring, looking at EVERY detail, being encouraged, rejuvinated...

I've been in the desert before....figuratively.....(and literally in New Mexico). It is ALL the things I have listed above.

Right now.....not giving into trying to be warm and fuzzy about things....what comes to mind about MY experience in the desert is...it was EXHAUSTING. I was forced to take a hard look at myself and correct my way of thinking to be more in line with God's word & not the ways of the world. I'm talking stripping down strongholds that would seem relatively normal, like working hard and working well & calling it the things it can be....an idol, distraction, an excuse... I don't always like what I see in the desert. I don't always understand the things in the desert. I don't always want to do the things God calls me to do in the desert, and not because I want to disobey Him....but because I don't feel ready. It makes my soul weary & although I can tell you that it does this to me, I can't tell you why, because each journey through the desert is different. The journey helps us understand the message, but we don't know what the message is, until we journey through the desert. 

So, right now, today....the dessert is about FAITH & OBEDIENCE & WONDER.

Not knowing what is ahead may not be exhausting to everyone, but it is exhausting to me. I'm in the desert right now and I'm exhausted. I know He is preparing me, but for what - I do not know. I do trust Him for only good things. I believe that what I will find in the desert will be so clear and amazing, that it will make the journey worth it.  My friends....that does not mean I enjoy the journey.

This is proof that you can love something, without actually enjoying it. 

What I can also tell you about my last walk in the desert is; I am SO glad I took the journey. It FOREVER changed my life & made my life much fuller than my vision, at the time, would allow. That is also how I know I will get serious about this journey & latch on, when God presents the opportunity.

Saddle up for the HARD ride. Buck up baby & ride with Jesus! It may be hard, but He promises to get us to the other side.

Believers & Nonbelievers

On my way home yesterday evening, I had a little over an hour drive time and I found myself pondering how the Holy Spirit brings believers and nonbelievers together.

I took part in an education program that consisted of one week of intense, advanced industry education, over a three year period. This industry, is a male dominated industry and me and my roommate were blessed to spend two of those three years together.

We bonded. We identified with each other on so many levels, but one area where we were on opposite ends of the spectrum was our faith.

We opened up conversation about faith, when she saw me reading my Bible & journaling. Approximately a year before I met her I decided to work towards something that had been placed on my heart, which is reading the Bible cover to cover.

Her question to me was: “What makes you feel so strongly that God exists.” She shared that she was not a believer.

My answer was: “ There have been significant moments in my life that I KNOW could have only been turned around by the power of Jesus. It transcended human ability and understanding.”

At that point, I didn’t go into detail, but she thanked me for being able to openly talk about what both of us believe in & that, in all of her experiences with sharing her beliefs, she had felt condemned or judged.

I can say in all truth, that NOTHING she told me made me think of her any less, at all. In fact, I think it made our bond grow stronger and I believe we will always be each other‘s cheerleader in life. Wherever her beliefs are, I love her right where she’s at, just how she is. She is building a beautiful life for herself, attacking her dreams & I am SO proud of her.

God is slowly but surely teaching me to just walk and be obedient and be kind and to guard my heart and mind.

Buck up Baby and say YES to Jesus! Say YES to love! Say YES to fellowship! Say YES!

I believe that God loves all people and he loves all people so much that he sent Jesus for us all to have the opportunity to know Him without hindrance, without shame, & without the judgment of sin.

Indignation

Hey all! First off, God has placed something on my heart that I've been praying over for sometime. Over the last several weeks I have received steady encouragement & today I made the decision that I was going to step out of fear & the security of keeping my thoughts to myself & literally Buck UP & ride with Jesus! I was going to start video blogging (vlogging) on whatever the Holy Spirit stirred up in me.

So, I grab my Bible, pray, & open it to Mark 14:1-11. The stories in these verses are: "The Plot to Kill Jesus" & "The Anointing at Bethany." The word "Indignation" jumps off the page at me. "While He was in Bethany at the house of Simon who had a serious skin disease, as He was reclining at the table, a woman came with an alabaster jar of pure and expensive fragrant oil of nard. She broke the jar and poured it on His head. But some were expressing INDIGNATION to one another: 'Why has this fragrant oil been wasted? For this oil might have been sold for more than 300 denarii and given to the poor.' - Mark 14:3-5 (HCSB)

So, here I go....ready to start my vlog & my phone won't record. I had this moment of...."It's okay. I'll figure it out & start another day." BUT I have something to share TODAY. So...posed with the choice to share or not share. I took to my blog.

The enemy has been working HARD on me the last two days & he WILL NOT stop me.

If you look up the definition of INDIGNATION it means: regard as unworthy; be angry or displeased at; unworthy; anger aroused by something unjust, unworthy, or mean; anger or annoyance provoked by what is perceived as unfair treatment.

If you read this full passage, you will find that Jesus silenced all those that questioned the thoughts & actions of this woman, said that what this woman has done will be told to everyone in her memory & then Judas went to the chief priests and began to plot the way in which he would betray Jesus.

As I read this it appears to be a man & woman thing, but I believe it is a lesson for everyone. Whoever you are: pay attention to those that annoy you, those that you don't understand, those that frustrate you & cause anger to rise up in you; those you feel are below you; those you think don't deserve whatever they have; those who in some ways you envy. Hold strong in your faith & KNOW that God loves & needs all of those people. You don't have to like them, but you can make the choice to respect them. Lean in, just a little & The Holy Trinity will support you. Lean out & the enemy will devour you.

Be watching for video blogs & pray for me. It feels like a whole new layer of vulnerability to me.

Father God,
May we ALL have the courage to let your light shine! In Jesus Name. Amen.