Words & Deeds

 There is power in your words and even more power in your actions. In almost every situation, every decision that has to be made you have the power...yes YOU have the power to either encourage, enhance, motivate and show kindness OR partner with the enemy and seek to steal, kill, & destroy (John 10:10). It really is that simple. If that decision is grounded in the love of the Father, it will be LIFE-GIVING. 

Review your day.... Think about decisions you made: conversations you had, speaking without considering how the other person may receive it, posting something, not communicating an important update.... What were they grounded in?: love, hope, faith, or fear, anger, self-seeking desire, money... Think about it folks. 

Drill all the way down on it. Did you make the decision you did because you have done all you know to do and this decision is what you believe is best for all involved OR did you make the decision you made out of disagreement and judgement and not uncover the complete truth of the situation? Did you act on emotions invoked by half-truths or facts and whole-truths? Be brave enough to be honest with yourself and KNOW that God loves you no matter what. 

People that I love dearly and others I respect, have done and said and posted things lately and I'm not so sure they understand the POWER of their words and/or actions. Stop telling people what they should do, how they should do it, using people, manipulating people and situations and think that you have the authority to do it! GOD gives each and every one of us free-will and we should do the same for each other. 

You are either dividing or bringing together. You are either encouraging out of love, out of fear, or out of selfish motives. Love the people you want to love on and leave everyone else alone. 

When you operate in a place of fear, anger, money, self-seeking desires.....you are partnering with the enemy. You are allowing the enemy to use you. 

Have you guys seen what's going on in the world???? Nobody's got time for that. There is plenty of hate and fear in the world right now. Buck Up & GET. IT. TOGETHER. 

For real....we all have many, many choices every single day. Choose who you want to work with (Jesus or Satan). Your decisions show your heart. The wonderful, wonderful, BEAUTIFUL gift God has given us in Jesus, not only gives us power, but also gives us the blessed gift of FORGIVENESS! Did you make a decision rooted in sin? Guess what......turn your heart to Jesus, repent, & it is TOTALLY FORGIVEN! WIPED CLEAN!!! If you get bucked off....BUCK UP BABY & RIDE WITH JESUS! He will get you back in the saddle over and over and over again.....as many times as you need to build  YOUR trust in Him. 

Anxiety.....a wilderness all it's own.

 This week, when I meditate on things I have learned in my Bible study, what seems to keep coming to the surface and linking back to others situations and people is......my anxiety. 

It's really a weird thing for me to talk about. I feel like talking about it gives it power, but really....not talking about it gives it power. I don't want people to see a weakness in me, and I REALLY wrestle because MY. ENTIRE. LIFE. I have found ways to function & talking about it was weakness....whining, not being tough.....& believe me being "tough" was VERY important to me.

My anxiety had to reach a level that I physically felt a loss of control. That happened with me, when I had a mild panic attack when my son told me something. We were getting ready to go somewhere & he simply told me that he had already grabbed his brother's bag. In my mind, I knew that all was okay & was not alarmed, BUT MY BODY reacted differently. My heart started beating, I got short of breath, slightly dizzy, and had to lay down and allow my body to settle down. 

Everyone's anxiety is different. We may have the same symptoms, but different triggers. I don't necessarily look at it as an illness or a condition, & maybe it is....maybe I should. I consider it a cross that is mine to bear & Jesus will carry it with me, until I get to the other side....redemption from anxiety. 

We've been talking about "the desert" a lot lately. Today, as I was having a REAL wrestle with anxiety, I realized that anxiety attacks (my term) are very much "the desert." For me, that wrestle included: frustration, feelings of inadequacy (mainly regarding my judgement) - which made me question my past judgement, second-guessing of my decisions - which then took me down a rabbit hole of second-guessing decisions on a completely unrelated topic half a decade ago, crying - to get the frenzy of emotions out, REALLY not wanting to interact with people.... (I'm not sure if it was because of how annoyed I was or I was concerned about my ability to be a pleasant person towards them.) Once I felt the fury of emotions dying down, I felt exhausted. So exhausted that I did not think I was going to want to do much of anything the rest of the day. My friends....THIS is why depression is linked with anxiety.

I am SO grateful for my Jesus. I know, for a fact, a "desert" moment, the summer between my Freshman & Sophomore year in high school, I. FOUND. JESUS. He met me in the desert. My desert. I have wrestled with anxiety EVERY. DAY. of my life. I never called it that. I just lived. I just coped. I just found a way. I remember where I was in my room when I CRIED & prayed & sat on my floor and had a conversation with Jesus for HOURS & asked Him to help me make sense of things. I asked Him to be with me moment by moment, in school, when things were said or done that I didn't understand. 

I am SO grateful for Jesus, because that day....He showed me HOPE instead of despair and confusion and frenzy. He was FAITHFUL to me. Today, after I had my anxiety attack, I felt my body level back out & instead of turning on myself criticizing & self-analyzing myself, I welcomed Jesus. I listened to what He had to say. HE BRINGS HOPE. Truly, TRULY....I do not know where I would be today, if I had not found Him. 

Knowing and understanding how my mind works has made a TREMENDOUS difference in my life. I suppose I finally reached a point where I laid my ego down...and accepted the help versus being "tough" and handling it myself. 

The biggest thing I want people to take away from this blog is: To someone with anxiety, EVERYTHING MATTERS & EVERYONE MATTERS. I look back at my life & I can tell you.... FOR. A. FACT.... my anxiety & me not knowing how to manage it, has made me a real asshole sometimes. (I don't know another word that sums things up, quite like that one.) I spout out words that I have not processed, but have shot out based on MY emotions & insecurities. I get in defense mode because that is the message my brain tells my body. (Praise Jesus I have learned more about sorting those messages out.) My intensity has been misinterpreted more than once. My anxiety pulls my attention in, with a laser-like focus. It can be so intense for others. It's like corners can't be cut....AT ALL. EVERY. SINGLE. DETAIL. is important. In my anxiety attacks, the words, actions, and reactions of others is perceived with a heightened INTENSITY. It just happens. I have to deal with it, AFTER I experience it. I can't speak for everyone with anxiety....only myself, but I do NOT want to hurt anyone EVER. I want to make EVERYONE happy. I want to HELP anyway I can. When I am focused in I will go above and beyond & back again to find a way and make a way....& I WILL find a way. I will chase after multiple ideas to a state of exhaustion.....which I now know to pay attention to. 

You can not FULLY understand a person's anxiety. You can not tell them how they should be or what they should do. They are MOST LIKELY trying with all they've got to get there already because they WANT to make you happy, leave you satisfied, earn your respect, prove their worth. We have to figure ourselves out. What makes us tick? What are our triggers? When we should remove ourselves from a situation? 

I'm sure someone in your life suffers from anxiety. Buck Up Baby & Ride With Jesus! HELP your people find Jesus. I can tell you....without Jesus, by now the weight that comes with anxiety would be SO overwhelming. Almost unbearable. Help them cope & introduce them to Jesus. God Bless. 

May We All Have the Courage to Find Jesus in the Desert

In Exodus 3:1-10 Moses was watching Jethro, his father-in-law's, sheep. God appeared to him in a burning bush. Our Bible study, this week, has challenged us to listen for God in the desert. I caught myself trying to replace the word "desert" with "wilderness."

The "wilderness" to me is beautiful. There are trees and grass and streams and breezes....places to seclude ourselves and enjoy nature. That is not what I think about when I think about the desert. I think of sand and wind and sand getting in my eyes and mouth and having limited beauty of creation to enjoy and surely no place to hide or seclude ourselves. 

I knew God wanted me to mediate on the "desert" and not the "wilderness." In my flesh I did not want to, but in my spirit I truly long for the moments, like Moses received in the desert. How amazing to witness a burning bush, that would not burn away & to hear the voice of God speaking DIRECTLY to him. God longing for his attention so deeply, that he created a wonder, that drew his attention and then spoke a message that He knew Moses would never forget. There were very limited distractions, allowing the message God had for him to be much clearer. It makes the desert seem like an okay place. 

As I continue to meditate on this....the thoughts that keep coming to mind, is just. how. hard. walking through the desert is. 

When I think figuratively about the desert...I think about being alone. I think about wandering. I think about being delirious with nothing and the continual motion of nothing. I think about traveling long periods of time and seeing nothing. 

But then...when I think about FINALLY seeing SOMETHING in the desert I imagine latching on, exploring, looking at EVERY detail, being encouraged, rejuvinated...

I've been in the desert before....figuratively.....(and literally in New Mexico). It is ALL the things I have listed above.

Right now.....not giving into trying to be warm and fuzzy about things....what comes to mind about MY experience in the desert is...it was EXHAUSTING. I was forced to take a hard look at myself and correct my way of thinking to be more in line with God's word & not the ways of the world. I'm talking stripping down strongholds that would seem relatively normal, like working hard and working well & calling it the things it can be....an idol, distraction, an excuse... I don't always like what I see in the desert. I don't always understand the things in the desert. I don't always want to do the things God calls me to do in the desert, and not because I want to disobey Him....but because I don't feel ready. It makes my soul weary & although I can tell you that it does this to me, I can't tell you why, because each journey through the desert is different. The journey helps us understand the message, but we don't know what the message is, until we journey through the desert. 

So, right now, today....the dessert is about FAITH & OBEDIENCE & WONDER.

Not knowing what is ahead may not be exhausting to everyone, but it is exhausting to me. I'm in the desert right now and I'm exhausted. I know He is preparing me, but for what - I do not know. I do trust Him for only good things. I believe that what I will find in the desert will be so clear and amazing, that it will make the journey worth it.  My friends....that does not mean I enjoy the journey.

This is proof that you can love something, without actually enjoying it. 

What I can also tell you about my last walk in the desert is; I am SO glad I took the journey. It FOREVER changed my life & made my life much fuller than my vision, at the time, would allow. That is also how I know I will get serious about this journey & latch on, when God presents the opportunity.

Saddle up for the HARD ride. Buck up baby & ride with Jesus! It may be hard, but He promises to get us to the other side.

Believers & Nonbelievers

On my way home yesterday evening, I had a little over an hour drive time and I found myself pondering how the Holy Spirit brings believers and nonbelievers together.

I took part in an education program that consisted of one week of intense, advanced industry education, over a three year period. This industry, is a male dominated industry and me and my roommate were blessed to spend two of those three years together.

We bonded. We identified with each other on so many levels, but one area where we were on opposite ends of the spectrum was our faith.

We opened up conversation about faith, when she saw me reading my Bible & journaling. Approximately a year before I met her I decided to work towards something that had been placed on my heart, which is reading the Bible cover to cover.

Her question to me was: “What makes you feel so strongly that God exists.” She shared that she was not a believer.

My answer was: “ There have been significant moments in my life that I KNOW could have only been turned around by the power of Jesus. It transcended human ability and understanding.”

At that point, I didn’t go into detail, but she thanked me for being able to openly talk about what both of us believe in & that, in all of her experiences with sharing her beliefs, she had felt condemned or judged.

I can say in all truth, that NOTHING she told me made me think of her any less, at all. In fact, I think it made our bond grow stronger and I believe we will always be each other‘s cheerleader in life. Wherever her beliefs are, I love her right where she’s at, just how she is. She is building a beautiful life for herself, attacking her dreams & I am SO proud of her.

God is slowly but surely teaching me to just walk and be obedient and be kind and to guard my heart and mind.

Buck up Baby and say YES to Jesus! Say YES to love! Say YES to fellowship! Say YES!

I believe that God loves all people and he loves all people so much that he sent Jesus for us all to have the opportunity to know Him without hindrance, without shame, & without the judgment of sin.

Indignation

Hey all! First off, God has placed something on my heart that I've been praying over for sometime. Over the last several weeks I have received steady encouragement & today I made the decision that I was going to step out of fear & the security of keeping my thoughts to myself & literally Buck UP & ride with Jesus! I was going to start video blogging (vlogging) on whatever the Holy Spirit stirred up in me.

So, I grab my Bible, pray, & open it to Mark 14:1-11. The stories in these verses are: "The Plot to Kill Jesus" & "The Anointing at Bethany." The word "Indignation" jumps off the page at me. "While He was in Bethany at the house of Simon who had a serious skin disease, as He was reclining at the table, a woman came with an alabaster jar of pure and expensive fragrant oil of nard. She broke the jar and poured it on His head. But some were expressing INDIGNATION to one another: 'Why has this fragrant oil been wasted? For this oil might have been sold for more than 300 denarii and given to the poor.' - Mark 14:3-5 (HCSB)

So, here I go....ready to start my vlog & my phone won't record. I had this moment of...."It's okay. I'll figure it out & start another day." BUT I have something to share TODAY. So...posed with the choice to share or not share. I took to my blog.

The enemy has been working HARD on me the last two days & he WILL NOT stop me.

If you look up the definition of INDIGNATION it means: regard as unworthy; be angry or displeased at; unworthy; anger aroused by something unjust, unworthy, or mean; anger or annoyance provoked by what is perceived as unfair treatment.

If you read this full passage, you will find that Jesus silenced all those that questioned the thoughts & actions of this woman, said that what this woman has done will be told to everyone in her memory & then Judas went to the chief priests and began to plot the way in which he would betray Jesus.

As I read this it appears to be a man & woman thing, but I believe it is a lesson for everyone. Whoever you are: pay attention to those that annoy you, those that you don't understand, those that frustrate you & cause anger to rise up in you; those you feel are below you; those you think don't deserve whatever they have; those who in some ways you envy. Hold strong in your faith & KNOW that God loves & needs all of those people. You don't have to like them, but you can make the choice to respect them. Lean in, just a little & The Holy Trinity will support you. Lean out & the enemy will devour you.

Be watching for video blogs & pray for me. It feels like a whole new layer of vulnerability to me.

Father God,
May we ALL have the courage to let your light shine! In Jesus Name. Amen.

My Melissa

So, we lost one of the sweetest souls I may have ever known. When I go, I can only pray that I made people feel the way she has made me, and I know MANY, others feel.

Melissa Wickel was a gem. Everything about her was good. I will miss her dearly, as our entire community will.

As I sat down to reflect on why the grief & shock overtook me when I found out she passed, like it did; all that came to mind was how she really made me feel like somebody. There was this quiet encouragement she gave me.

I recall one of my very first auction adventures : "The Wandering Auctioneer." I had this idea to go from field to field & tent to tent at the Round Top Warrenton Antiques Show as a grassroots PR campaign for Buck Up Auctions. I thought how cool would it be to pull a wagon & a speaker & auction off items to the public that was donated by participating vendors & the money would go to a charity of the donors choice. It would allow people to experience the FUN of an auction, draw attention to the vendor, & raise money for an organization that needed it.

That was the original idea, which transformed into something different where, at both Zapp Hall & Chelsea's Meadow, we raised money for 2 different women battling breast cancer. Almost all the vendors on each field participated.

The original idea could've been a 2 man show + the vendor & the bidders. The new idea required well...a lot more people. I had not planned for that, but I agreed to take a stab at it anyways.

So there I sat making plans & trying to pull things together in less than 7 days time. I was blessed & still am, to have encouragers in my life. At that time, I really had a handful that I thought MIGHT have the ability & the DESIRE to really help me with this...for free. I called Melissa & I remember feeling like I was #1 inconveniencing her & #2 was asking her to do something that was really going to be work, on (likely) her day off. I know I went through the WHOLE spiel with her, thinking I had talked her right into a "No" & she said YES! I was SO grateful, because I had bit off more than I could chew alone & needed the help.

Melissa SO encouraged me when I first got started, as an auctioneer. She was still encouraging me a year ago. She would send me things & ideas that I never saw myself doing & she knew it would get my wheels turning.

She passed my name on to someone in her Bluebonnet family that was organizing a benefit for Mrs. Judy Mikeska, who was also battling cancer. The friends & fellowship & faith & community that filled that room is something I hope I never ever forget. Melissa was all of that. She was a friend to EVERYONE that crossed her path. She would fellowship & bring people together. She was the one keeping her classmates together & having a presence at local fundraising events, She had faith...man, she had faith....faith in people, faith in God, faith in goodness & kindness, faith in the grand design. Lastly, but not least, she was an essential part in every community she was a part of: work, alma mater, family, friends, church, & organizations she believed in.

Yeah...I'm really going to miss her. I believe that God blesses us with the people in our lives for a reason. We each could have been born or landed somewhere totally different than where we are. I am a better person for knowing her & I know she meant A LOT to A LOT of people.

I just felt like sharing My Melissa. What Melissa meant to me in my life & share my thankfulness for her life & the impressions she has left me with.

My Melissa is kind & good & full of faith. She is special & blessed & a blessing. She is a friend & a role model & dependable. She sees good in people. She sees more in people than they see in themselves. She is an encourager in just the right ways. She is someone, that thru her passing, has made me DESIRE to slow down & appreciate people & spend time with them...to take the time, to make the time, for people.

Bible verses that make me think of Melissa:

"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." Ephesians 4:2

(This next one came to mind several times, as I've been typing this blog. In my flesh it would not be one I'd include, but it belongs here.)

"But he gives us more grace. Therefore it says: 'God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.' Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and he will draw near to you...." James 4:6-8

Fly high my friend & Buck Up Baby & Ride With Jesus! I can only imagine the work he has for you in Heaven!   

Delta Dawn

Ever since I was a little girl Delta Dawn was one of my go-to songs. I used to walk around with one of these little cassette players. There was a handful of cassettes that I would cycle through it & this was on one of the greatest hits cassettes. I had a few "secret" places as a kid that I would just sit, be by myself, & listen to music. This song is one that stuck with me.

As I got older, we became more involved with horses. We started out trail-riding & then we became pretty involved with cutting horses. Almost everyday we would ride. We wouldn't necessarily work them on cattle everyday (which means penning & sorting them). Many times my sister and I rode together, but when we didn't, I would walk circles cooling my horse down & sing a cycle of songs:
"Amazing Grace"
"Have You Ever" by Brandy
"Delta Dawn"
& SOMETIMES I'd add in "All God's Creatures Got a Place in the Choir"

As I've gotten older, these are still my go-tos that I still sing when I'm by myself & I just need to.

The last couple weeks have quite possibly been our busiest ever. It's hard to say for sure, because we stay pretty busy, BUT my mind & body were done. I had been going ALL day. It was one of those days that even in the "down time" I was tying up loose ends via text or email. I had been thinking about Mother's Day & Star Tests & Kylee's birthday & 1st Communion & Heath's Pre-K Graduation & year end parties & the online auctions & onsite auctions that are lining up & real estate closings & the feasts and fundraisers I'll need to be at & the proposals I need to be working on & when Kyle was working & who'd be able to watch the baby &........

HEAR ME when I say I. AM. NOT. COMPLAINING.  I am blessed. I'm working on how to manage it all. Adjusting to life with a newborn has....honestly...seemed easier this time around in some ways, while still adding new dynamics that we all have to learn to navigate. I am giving you a glimpse into my reality. Even though the reality is a blessing, it can still be quite overwhelming at times.

On this day let's say it was 9 o'clock at night. Kyle was working nights. We had gotten back from somewhere & I thought I had everyone settled & situated. Imagine a continuous motion of DOING all. day. long.....constant & I went to sit in the bedroom. Kylee was holding the itty bitty & she said "Hunter wants his Momma." (still in constant motion...) I just took my sweet, crying, cutie with me, sat on the bed, & tried to nurse him. That wasn't his jam....just NOT what he was wanting. So I just put the crying baby on my chest & as if it flowed out of me....started singing Delta Dawn.

It seemed like before I could get "Delta Dawn" out of my mouth, the baby calmed down & then I got choked up...LOL. It was like my soul & spirit had a meeting of the minds & Jesus happened. "...A peace that surpasses all understanding..."(Philippians 4:7) came over me...actually both of us.

It made me stop & reflect on that song, the lyrics, the singer, the story, the feeling that it gives me all the times in my life I've sang it....how appreciative I was of it, in that moment, when the combination of the song & the affect it has on me calmed my crying baby. In that moment I FELT the POWER of the connection. I can't put it into words that will do it justice. I can't say that the actual lyrics directly connect to anything in my life. I can't even say that I have spent a ton of time thinking about the fact that the song has stuck with me for decades. I can tell you, that when I sing that song...I experience a different kind of peace.

Everything is bigger than what we are able to comprehend in our flesh. I don't have the answer & I don't know the answers to all the whys? & hows? I just KNOW that, that song, to me - means more than the words, more than the rhythm & I don't have to know why or how. I just sat there, rocking my baby, grateful for it.....all of it. Every. single. thing. it meant to me in my life & anything and anyone that was a vehicle in bringing it to me: Tanya Tucker, the songwriter, the muse, the radio...

It also helped me realize HOW the gifts God blesses us with, touches others. In the 40+ years, since this song was written...think of the MILLIONS that it has touched...the generations....& it's just. one. song.

Buck Up Baby & Ride With Jesus! Don't take those nuggets in your life for granted; even something as simple as a song. You don't have to understand it. Just be thankful for it.