12/27/14 - I have recently finished fasting from ALL liquid. except water. It originally started out as a 40-day fast & turned into a 47-day fast. I had made a decision to start reading The Bible daily & I started by reading from The Golden Book Children's Bible. The majority of this Bible is Old Testament. Even though it is a Children's Bible, it goes into quite a bit of detail & still took some research to really try and understand some of the messages. After I would read an Old Testament story...I would randomly open my New Testament Bible & read whatever story it took me to. A few days into doing this.... "40 days" kept popping up & I just felt led to start my fast.
I learned A LOT from this fast, this Bible time, & I KNOW that I strengthened my relationship with God. The lesson I want to share with you is that 7 days into this fast, I was at an auction. It was a pretty big success (for several reasons) & a very close family friend asked me if they could buy me a beer. I politely declined twice. As they persisted the third time, I told them I really didn't need one, but still allowed them to buy me a beer and drank it. I came home & had my Bible time & dinner as I just sat there and prayed & talked to God about it. I asked for forgiveness, but the whole time...felt an immense amount of joy & peace & thankfulness....for how the auction turned out for everyone involved. I remember thinking how I would have normally been MUCH harder on myself about caving, but....THANKS BE TO GOD....the JOY won out.
Fast forward to Day 40. We were at our friends' house in South Texas. The night before they wanted us all to have a glass of eggnog & I politely declined...kindly passing it off as being tired (which I was), but not sharing WHY I didn't want any. The next day, all us girls went to town shopping & we talked about all kinds of Bible things & my fast included, because I felt comfortable sharing with her. That night...her husband asked me if I wanted eggnog 3 times. I awkwardly turned him down & the third time he poured me a glass. I can tell you that, if I hadn't told my friend earlier in the day & had her support, I am almost positive I would have buckled....on DAY 40. I had mixed emotions about that. Really disappointed that I didn't know how to stand firm, with someone I feel pretty comfortable around....or how to share WHY I was doing it....or being WORRIED about how people would perceive it...or not knowing how to explain it.
So I went to the room we were staying in, started praying & talked to God about the whole thing & brought up the 7th day beer & asked God to just show me if he wanted me to fast 7 more days, or if it should be over. There were two things that popped out to me in my reading for that day. I started reading about Jesus's arrest. The first lesson was about Peter denying Jesus 3 times before the cock crowed. What resonated with me was the number 3 & how bitter he was towards himself. I also read where Pontius Pilate wanted to release Jesus & the third time/chance for him to release Him, he turned to the crowd & condemned Jesus because THE CROWD wanted him dead. (Luke 22:54-23:25) I mean...it was like a reaction...a survival mechanism, but survival from what? I think it was created because of the worry of peoples' perceptions of them. It is so frustrating for me to read stories in The Bible (both Old and New Testaments) where people buckle so quickly from what they feel the need to do(which is The Holy Spirit leading them)...just to please people. Then I turned around and did the same thing. Needless to say.... I decided to go seven more days. Right now, I feel like holding firm a third time puts your feet on solid ground.
A few days later I read about Jesus being tempted in the desert by Satan. Jesus had fasted for 40 days and nights. First the devil said to him: "If you are the Son of God, command that these stones be made bread." Jesus answered him saying: "It is WRITTEN: Man shall not live by bread alone, buy by every word that comes out of the mouth of God." Then the devil says to Jesus: "If you are the Son of God, throw yourself down. For it is written that He shall put his angels in charge of you to keep you safe, and they shall catch you in their hands, lest you strike your foot against a stone." Jesus said to him: "It is WRITTEN also: You shall not tempt the Lord your God," Then the devil took him to the top of a very big mountain & showed him all the kingdoms & said to Jesus: "All these things I will give you, if you will fall down & worship me." Then Jesus said: "Away, Satan. For it is WRITTEN: You shall worship the Lord your God, and him only shall you serve." Then the devil LEFT him.....after the third test...& the angels came and ministered to Jesus. (Matthew Chapter 4). I also want to point out that even the Son of God uses Scripture when dealing with the devil.
A few days ago as I was cleaning & getting my house ready for Christmas company.....a note that I had typed on my phone back in May popped up. I don't really think anything is random anymore...it may seem like it, but EVERYTHING has purpose. It was a note I had typed during a T.D. Jakes sermon I had watched. I want to start out by saying that I (just a few days before I saw this note) did not agree with something that was posted on T.D. Jakes's social media site. As I read the comments and realized that A LOT of people also disagreed & some had also made the decision to quit following him all together....I remembered how important forgiveness is & not condemning. I thought about all the forgiveness I've been shown by God and people in my life & made the decision that I don't have to agree with everything everyone says, BUT I can take away & apply what I do agree with.
"As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another." -Proverbs 27:17
This sermon really gave me some structure in what to look for, as I started building my TEAM this year. When I say "TEAM," I think about the people in my corner & the people's corner that I WANT to be in.
"You need people with your rhythm. If they don't have your rhythm; they will find you abusive."
"Create a system that supports your rhythm."
"Develop what you need to sustain you."
"You can't explain to a turtle a giraffe decision." (Important to note that turtles can do things giraffes can't & vice versa.) I've also learned that turtles & giraffes can be in the same rhythm carrying out different tasks.
"There are people that feed you & people that deplete you."
"When you need to get fed....get fed. Then go out and feed others. Go back and get fed when you need it."
1 Corinthians 12:1-11 speaks to this. It discusses how people are given different gifts, but they all work together as one....even though their skills and talents are different.
In many books throughout The Bible (Romans, 1 Corinthians, 1 Peter, Psalms...) we are reminded of the importance to take care of ourselves....mind, body, soul, & spirit. I think one of the key things to doing this (that I didn't really understand, or know how to go about getting there) is creating a support system that can suffice the UniQue needs that you have. The right people are put in our lives for that very purpose.
As this year winds down & I reflect back on my spiritual growth, my growth in relationships closest to me, & growth in my business - which is also part of my ministry & maybe my mission...I really am left in awe. I have to battle different things daily, like: people pleasing, fear of all kinds, judgement of myself and others, learning to forgive - even when I don't want to, letting go of control....amongst other things. However, I am MOST thankful this year, for my courage to leave the working for someone else world to enter the working for myself world. That decision has helped me to really focus on all the things that REALLY matter and allowed me the freedom to do it. I'm still figuring things out, but I will be for the rest of my life. I'm thankful for my awareness. Pay attention to things: talents, the people that fill you up, the people that deplete you, the people that need you, the gifts God is giving you...just be aware.
Buck Up Baby & ride with Jesus.
Showing posts with label temptation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label temptation. Show all posts
Monday, December 30, 2024
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Day 27: "Defeating Temptation"
Welcome back!! Today we move on to Day 27 in Pastor Rick Warren's book: The Purpose Driven Life: What On Earth Am I Here For?
Today we talk about defeating temptation. We are TEMPTED...sometimes it feels like...EVERY minute of EVERY day. Tempted by something...negative thoughts, the thoughts of others, perceptions, things we love, pleasure, worry, time frames, deadlines, confusion.... I know now that it is ALL about the choices we make...the perseverance we have, the clarity of mind, the knowledge of scripture, being surrounded by those that SUPPORT you, SUPPORTING others on their journey, PRAYING...
Sometimes I get SO muddied up it is ridiculous! This book says: "Spiritually, your mind is your most vulnerable organ." It also says: "The battle for sin is won or lost in your mind." Pastor Warren ain't joshin'! Sometimes I think the SOLUTION for EVERYTHING is so stinkin' simple, but we can't handle simple anymore. I think of all the issues or problems or concerns or mess-ups that I've experienced & if I'd have just STOPPED & THOUGHT before acting or initiating or saying or doing....I'd have FIXED my own problem....simply with CLARITY of my own KNOWLEDGE. One thing that I can get caught up with is listening to what OTHER people think I should be doing. It is a process, but just the simple fact that I am AWARE of it, has helped me to GROW out of it. Don't get me wrong...I still struGglE with it....because I know that I don't know everything & I know I need HELP...but GOD has ENTRUSTED me with the skills & knowledge that I have to make MY OWN decisions, but still use the advice, success, and experience of others to help me form them.
Where is your attention? I have EVOLVED in just the short time of reading this book for the first time & now re-reading and sharing with you all. I've evolved because of what I've learned, my experiences & where my attention is. Pastor Warren says: "Whatever gets your attention will get you."
I think of my ANXIETY levels now...compared to what they used to be. What amazes me, as I look back, is I know where my attention is. My attention is protecting, providing, developing, & strengthening what GOD has BLESSED me with. That includes my gifts, my talent, my marriage, my children, my work ethic, my friendships, my TRUST in God and everything he has blessed me with & REVEALED to me.... If you had asked me that when I read this book the first time...my answer PROBABLY would have been FIGURING OUT A WAY to provide for my family and to succeed. The difference in the two answers is what I probably would have said the first time around is self-serving & me goin' it on my own. Where my attention is now gives it ALL to GOD...the success, the way those gifts prosper, the way my talent develops, the way my marriage and friendships strengthen, the way my sweet baby girl talks about Jesus, the way I'm able to share God's message to others, the way I allow others to help me by their experiences...even the failures go to Him...because I know I'm learning a lesson that will allow me to be BLESSED once I get through it.
I URGE everyone of you reading & whoever you will share this with to start learning God's word. However it works best for you. The book encourages a Bible Verse a week. I PRAY that you all become aware that OUR MIND can work for us or against us, BUT it is OUR CHOICE. I URGE you to find a friend that you can talk to about Jesus things....about questions you have...about the flaws you possess....about your experiences and what you think they might mean...AND I URGE you to ACCEPT the FACT that you are MUCH less powerful on your own....MUCH less. ACCEPT the FACT that you NEED God....all the time.
On the first page of this chapter it says: "It may surprise you that nowhere in the Bible are we told to 'resist temptation.' We are told to 'resist the devil.'" Buck Up Baby & Ride With Jesus! Don't let the devil use your own thoughts against you.... I know it's easier said than done. Being aware of it is the BEGINNING of DEFEATING it.
"Point to Ponder: There is always a way out."
Daily Bible Verse: "God is faithful. He will keep the temptation from becoming so strong that you can't stand up against it. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you will not give in to it."
-1 Corinthians 10:13B (NLT)
Daily Question: "Who could I ask to be a spiritual partner to help me defeat a persistent temptation by praying for me?"
From my journal the first time of reading (Now you know ladies ;):
Embracing JOY & kindness - Kaysie Noska
Patience & Self-Control - Christina Pace
Today we talk about defeating temptation. We are TEMPTED...sometimes it feels like...EVERY minute of EVERY day. Tempted by something...negative thoughts, the thoughts of others, perceptions, things we love, pleasure, worry, time frames, deadlines, confusion.... I know now that it is ALL about the choices we make...the perseverance we have, the clarity of mind, the knowledge of scripture, being surrounded by those that SUPPORT you, SUPPORTING others on their journey, PRAYING...
Sometimes I get SO muddied up it is ridiculous! This book says: "Spiritually, your mind is your most vulnerable organ." It also says: "The battle for sin is won or lost in your mind." Pastor Warren ain't joshin'! Sometimes I think the SOLUTION for EVERYTHING is so stinkin' simple, but we can't handle simple anymore. I think of all the issues or problems or concerns or mess-ups that I've experienced & if I'd have just STOPPED & THOUGHT before acting or initiating or saying or doing....I'd have FIXED my own problem....simply with CLARITY of my own KNOWLEDGE. One thing that I can get caught up with is listening to what OTHER people think I should be doing. It is a process, but just the simple fact that I am AWARE of it, has helped me to GROW out of it. Don't get me wrong...I still struGglE with it....because I know that I don't know everything & I know I need HELP...but GOD has ENTRUSTED me with the skills & knowledge that I have to make MY OWN decisions, but still use the advice, success, and experience of others to help me form them.
Where is your attention? I have EVOLVED in just the short time of reading this book for the first time & now re-reading and sharing with you all. I've evolved because of what I've learned, my experiences & where my attention is. Pastor Warren says: "Whatever gets your attention will get you."
I think of my ANXIETY levels now...compared to what they used to be. What amazes me, as I look back, is I know where my attention is. My attention is protecting, providing, developing, & strengthening what GOD has BLESSED me with. That includes my gifts, my talent, my marriage, my children, my work ethic, my friendships, my TRUST in God and everything he has blessed me with & REVEALED to me.... If you had asked me that when I read this book the first time...my answer PROBABLY would have been FIGURING OUT A WAY to provide for my family and to succeed. The difference in the two answers is what I probably would have said the first time around is self-serving & me goin' it on my own. Where my attention is now gives it ALL to GOD...the success, the way those gifts prosper, the way my talent develops, the way my marriage and friendships strengthen, the way my sweet baby girl talks about Jesus, the way I'm able to share God's message to others, the way I allow others to help me by their experiences...even the failures go to Him...because I know I'm learning a lesson that will allow me to be BLESSED once I get through it.
I URGE everyone of you reading & whoever you will share this with to start learning God's word. However it works best for you. The book encourages a Bible Verse a week. I PRAY that you all become aware that OUR MIND can work for us or against us, BUT it is OUR CHOICE. I URGE you to find a friend that you can talk to about Jesus things....about questions you have...about the flaws you possess....about your experiences and what you think they might mean...AND I URGE you to ACCEPT the FACT that you are MUCH less powerful on your own....MUCH less. ACCEPT the FACT that you NEED God....all the time.
On the first page of this chapter it says: "It may surprise you that nowhere in the Bible are we told to 'resist temptation.' We are told to 'resist the devil.'" Buck Up Baby & Ride With Jesus! Don't let the devil use your own thoughts against you.... I know it's easier said than done. Being aware of it is the BEGINNING of DEFEATING it.
"Point to Ponder: There is always a way out."
Daily Bible Verse: "God is faithful. He will keep the temptation from becoming so strong that you can't stand up against it. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you will not give in to it."
-1 Corinthians 10:13B (NLT)
Daily Question: "Who could I ask to be a spiritual partner to help me defeat a persistent temptation by praying for me?"
From my journal the first time of reading (Now you know ladies ;):
Embracing JOY & kindness - Kaysie Noska
Patience & Self-Control - Christina Pace
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Day 26: "Growing Through Tempation"
Well...I'm back from the WONDERFUL Frio River. REALLY...I LOVE that place. Thanks to all you readers that are hangin' in there with me & WELCOME to all the new readers.
Today's discussion topic from the book: The Purpose Driven Life: What On Earth Am I Here For? by Pastor Rick Warren is about growING through temptation.
I can not reiterate enough how life-CHANGING this book can be....really. This chapter is chalked FULL of advice & explanations & processes & tools that I'm sure we have ALL searched for. I'm again...going to speak from MY experience....how applying lessons from this chapter have helped me & maybe show some progress from the first time of reading to the second.
What I take away from this chapter is we have a CHOICE...we ALWAYS have a choice & we ALWAYS will. Every situation....every experience....every temptation is an OPPORTUNITY to make the BEST choice, but it is ours to make. What I also take away is just how BEAUTIFUL God's gift of The Holy Spirit is to us.... & how that relationship is....kind of like our lifeblood...mine at least. You know...what REALLY gives you purpose...what guides you...what creates your distinction between right and wrong...what grounds you...what calms you...what nourishes you...what is your life line straight to God.
So...I have a couple stories to share.... One is of my relationship with The Holy Spirit... The other is an example of temptation & what I THINK was the devil trying to tempt me & me winning a victory for God.
The book says this: "When the Holy Spirit controls our lives, he will produce this kind of fruit in us: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." Pastor Warren took that from Galatians 5:22-23(NLT).
I had a situation happen a few weeks ago that I am hesitant to share, but...well...words aren't going to do it justice & some people really may not understand it....and some may advise against sharing it, but I feel like it happened for a reason & it's not meant to be a secret. So....a few weeks ago, I was driving in my little home town & I passed the cemetery. The cemetery where most everyone from my Dad's side of the family are buried. I was EXTREMELY close to my Grandma Schoenst...as were my siblings & she used to make it a point to go & put flowers on all of the graves at the cemetery.
I think it's important that you have a little back story. I used to work at a daycare in my hometown & every day or every other day I would stop by and visit with my Grandma. Later I had gotten a job at a bank. I didn't stop by near as often. It went from once a week to once every two weeks, etc. Well...to be EXTREMELY blunt about the situation...I was a young, selfish kid that just didn't REALLY get the importance of that time I spent with her & how much it probably meant to her. I beat myself up about it for years. The older I got & the more I developed my understanding of things I just liked myself less and less about the situation. I remember by first face-to -face confession I asked for forgiveness for this and the priest looked at me & said: "That is not a sin. Why are you asking me to forgive it?" & my response was: "Because I was a SO selfish. I mean I LOVED her so much & she loved us UNCONDITIONALLY and I didn't even have enough decency to HONOR that." He bowed his head and told me that I need to find a way to forgive myself. Whew....I had NO CLUE what that meant at the time or how to go about it.
So now back to the story... I drove past the cemetery and, mind you, it had rained quite a bit, so there was water standing EVERYWHERE, but I felt COMPELLED to turn around. I don't know how else to explain it. I really didn't even give it much more thought. I just turned around & went back to the cemetery. I went to the first row of graves where some of our family members are buried. Then I made my way to the last row where my Grandma & Grandpa are buried. I got about two graves away from my Grandma's & was literally OVERCOME. I looked up to Heaven & said "God, I don't know what you're doin,' but just give me the strength to handle it." I sat Indian-style on her grave, because water was literally standing everywhere. I even pulled out my phone thinking: "I'm going to Google a 'special' prayer for her." Then it struck me that I didn't need to Google anything. I had it all within me. I put my hands on her grave & just started talking to her about everyone & my sweet babies...catchin' up talk... & then...my friend calls me. I silence it b/c I'm praying & talking to my Grandma & then I just started pouring out ALL the pent up feelings and emotions I had about myself & how I handled the last period of time we were on earth together & asking her to FORGIVE me & telling her how IMPORTANT she is to me & how she DESERVED better. It felt like 1000 pounds was lifted off my chest & then...without even thinking twice about it....I said these words: " Grandma, I don't know what kind of job God has for you up in Heaven, but if it's His will....there is a girl between here & Heaven & she needs you & Jesus & God & The Holy Spirit & whatever angels you can bring with you to pull her up." Another tidbit of info that is important (& what I thought many people may not understand) is that the friend that called me, had just lost the family member I was praying about, in a TRAGIC gas explosion that left her young baby & husband ALIVE.
As I call her back & check in with her...she asks me if I would say a prayer for the girl I JUST prayed for. NOW...I KNOW what some of you may be thinking.... I know because it is the VERY reason I hesitated with sharing this & was left in COMPLETE AWE... We are SO intertwined with each other on a DEEP SPIRITUAL level....that it is truly BEYOND our understanding. She had NO idea I was at the cemetery. She had NO knowledge of my relationship with my Grandma. She didn't even REALLY know the full story behind the explosion. I'm not even going to begin to try and understand the why behind all of that.
I shared this story with a priest & I have to say....he HELPED me to UNDERSTAND the CAPACITY of what had happened. He said....that the COMPELLING feeling I felt was not a coincidence. It was The Holy Spirit moving me & I listened. When I spoke those words to my Grandma I broke the bounds I placed on myself, but MORE IMPORTANTLY, let my Grandmother's soul rise to be with the angels & she took that sweet young mother's soul with her. He told me to read the book: Anatomy of Spirit.
I can't make you feel what I felt & I can't make you believe what I'm typing. Just spend some time thinking about things.
TEMPTATION is brought to us by the devil. He wants to tie us up. He wants to warp our minds. He wants to do WHATEVER it takes to keep us from Heaven. It opened my eyes to see how important we still are to each other & what the first priest meant by: "finding a way to forgive myself." ALL that negative emotion was NOT a product of God.
I know that is A LOT to take in, but I also want to share one more story...a VERY recent one...on how (I think) the devil was trying to tempt me & (although I couldn't hold back ALL of the emotions) I won one for God.
My husband & I got into an argument. I was some kind of ticked off. I kept trying to ignore it...just deal with it...channel the energy & the thoughts, control myself, be nice & good &graceful & all that jazz, BUT I just couldn't...not say something. When I say I tried....I REALLY did. I went & sat in the bathroom. Just sat there mad. Mad that I was mad. Mad that I said something. Mad that he didn't understand what I was saying to him. MAD. I said a short prayer to God saying: "God, I don't know what your settin' up here & I don't want to give the enemy any ground, but I already said what I said & I meant it. Just help me speak in a way that my husband will TRULY hear me on EVERY level I need to be heard & take care of us." Well...I'm not tellin' you what I said to him because it was kind of vulgar, but he HEARD me. My point to that story is....we will do things that aren't right...might be right, but don't seem right to anyone else... may be WAY OFF in left field...BUT GOD CAN TURN IT. He took that situation that was full of all kind of negative emotions & turned it into a way I could communicate to him to where BOTH of our eyes could be opened...to understand each other.
We aren't perfect & weren't made to be. We will be TEMPTED continuously for the rest of our lives, but we have to learn to grOW through the temptation to develop the character of Jesus. We aren't expected to be perfect & Jesus shares our struggles because he knows the intensity of temptation.
"Point to Ponder: Every temptation is an opportunity to do good."
Daily Bible Verse: "God blesses the people who patiently endure testing. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." James 1:12 (NLT)
Daily Question: "What Christ-like character quality can I develop by defeating the most common temptation I face?"
From my journal the first time around: I feel like I have lots of things to work on in areas of temptation. I think the main two areas I need to focus on are endurance and moving forward and to not give up - because I do feel like I've been tempted persistently in these departments.
The other is dishonesty...mainly in small situations like where I am EXACTLY (like when I'm running late) or areas where I don't want to hurt someone. I really need to practice complete and utter honesty, but THINK first.
JOY- I feel like I kind of stay a sour puss. I wasn't always like that. I think because I am around negativity and judgement and confusion. God PLEASE help me find joy in everything!!
I have to report my progress :)....don't expect GIVE-UP any time soon. God just LOVES me & sends me people, places, and experiences to fill in all those gaps where the thoughts of give-up tried to live. HONESTY is totally on the forefront....You are fore-warned. If you don't REALLY want to know...don't ask me. JOY....well...I still got a little ways to go with that, BUT I'm on that road. It's amazing when you cut out some of that negativity, judgement, & confusion how much more room you have for JOY.
Buck Up Baby & Ride with Jesus!! He was tempted JUST like us...but had the strength to endure it all.
Today's discussion topic from the book: The Purpose Driven Life: What On Earth Am I Here For? by Pastor Rick Warren is about growING through temptation.
I can not reiterate enough how life-CHANGING this book can be....really. This chapter is chalked FULL of advice & explanations & processes & tools that I'm sure we have ALL searched for. I'm again...going to speak from MY experience....how applying lessons from this chapter have helped me & maybe show some progress from the first time of reading to the second.
What I take away from this chapter is we have a CHOICE...we ALWAYS have a choice & we ALWAYS will. Every situation....every experience....every temptation is an OPPORTUNITY to make the BEST choice, but it is ours to make. What I also take away is just how BEAUTIFUL God's gift of The Holy Spirit is to us.... & how that relationship is....kind of like our lifeblood...mine at least. You know...what REALLY gives you purpose...what guides you...what creates your distinction between right and wrong...what grounds you...what calms you...what nourishes you...what is your life line straight to God.
So...I have a couple stories to share.... One is of my relationship with The Holy Spirit... The other is an example of temptation & what I THINK was the devil trying to tempt me & me winning a victory for God.
The book says this: "When the Holy Spirit controls our lives, he will produce this kind of fruit in us: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." Pastor Warren took that from Galatians 5:22-23(NLT).
I had a situation happen a few weeks ago that I am hesitant to share, but...well...words aren't going to do it justice & some people really may not understand it....and some may advise against sharing it, but I feel like it happened for a reason & it's not meant to be a secret. So....a few weeks ago, I was driving in my little home town & I passed the cemetery. The cemetery where most everyone from my Dad's side of the family are buried. I was EXTREMELY close to my Grandma Schoenst...as were my siblings & she used to make it a point to go & put flowers on all of the graves at the cemetery.
I think it's important that you have a little back story. I used to work at a daycare in my hometown & every day or every other day I would stop by and visit with my Grandma. Later I had gotten a job at a bank. I didn't stop by near as often. It went from once a week to once every two weeks, etc. Well...to be EXTREMELY blunt about the situation...I was a young, selfish kid that just didn't REALLY get the importance of that time I spent with her & how much it probably meant to her. I beat myself up about it for years. The older I got & the more I developed my understanding of things I just liked myself less and less about the situation. I remember by first face-to -face confession I asked for forgiveness for this and the priest looked at me & said: "That is not a sin. Why are you asking me to forgive it?" & my response was: "Because I was a SO selfish. I mean I LOVED her so much & she loved us UNCONDITIONALLY and I didn't even have enough decency to HONOR that." He bowed his head and told me that I need to find a way to forgive myself. Whew....I had NO CLUE what that meant at the time or how to go about it.
So now back to the story... I drove past the cemetery and, mind you, it had rained quite a bit, so there was water standing EVERYWHERE, but I felt COMPELLED to turn around. I don't know how else to explain it. I really didn't even give it much more thought. I just turned around & went back to the cemetery. I went to the first row of graves where some of our family members are buried. Then I made my way to the last row where my Grandma & Grandpa are buried. I got about two graves away from my Grandma's & was literally OVERCOME. I looked up to Heaven & said "God, I don't know what you're doin,' but just give me the strength to handle it." I sat Indian-style on her grave, because water was literally standing everywhere. I even pulled out my phone thinking: "I'm going to Google a 'special' prayer for her." Then it struck me that I didn't need to Google anything. I had it all within me. I put my hands on her grave & just started talking to her about everyone & my sweet babies...catchin' up talk... & then...my friend calls me. I silence it b/c I'm praying & talking to my Grandma & then I just started pouring out ALL the pent up feelings and emotions I had about myself & how I handled the last period of time we were on earth together & asking her to FORGIVE me & telling her how IMPORTANT she is to me & how she DESERVED better. It felt like 1000 pounds was lifted off my chest & then...without even thinking twice about it....I said these words: " Grandma, I don't know what kind of job God has for you up in Heaven, but if it's His will....there is a girl between here & Heaven & she needs you & Jesus & God & The Holy Spirit & whatever angels you can bring with you to pull her up." Another tidbit of info that is important (& what I thought many people may not understand) is that the friend that called me, had just lost the family member I was praying about, in a TRAGIC gas explosion that left her young baby & husband ALIVE.
As I call her back & check in with her...she asks me if I would say a prayer for the girl I JUST prayed for. NOW...I KNOW what some of you may be thinking.... I know because it is the VERY reason I hesitated with sharing this & was left in COMPLETE AWE... We are SO intertwined with each other on a DEEP SPIRITUAL level....that it is truly BEYOND our understanding. She had NO idea I was at the cemetery. She had NO knowledge of my relationship with my Grandma. She didn't even REALLY know the full story behind the explosion. I'm not even going to begin to try and understand the why behind all of that.
I shared this story with a priest & I have to say....he HELPED me to UNDERSTAND the CAPACITY of what had happened. He said....that the COMPELLING feeling I felt was not a coincidence. It was The Holy Spirit moving me & I listened. When I spoke those words to my Grandma I broke the bounds I placed on myself, but MORE IMPORTANTLY, let my Grandmother's soul rise to be with the angels & she took that sweet young mother's soul with her. He told me to read the book: Anatomy of Spirit.
I can't make you feel what I felt & I can't make you believe what I'm typing. Just spend some time thinking about things.
TEMPTATION is brought to us by the devil. He wants to tie us up. He wants to warp our minds. He wants to do WHATEVER it takes to keep us from Heaven. It opened my eyes to see how important we still are to each other & what the first priest meant by: "finding a way to forgive myself." ALL that negative emotion was NOT a product of God.
I know that is A LOT to take in, but I also want to share one more story...a VERY recent one...on how (I think) the devil was trying to tempt me & (although I couldn't hold back ALL of the emotions) I won one for God.
My husband & I got into an argument. I was some kind of ticked off. I kept trying to ignore it...just deal with it...channel the energy & the thoughts, control myself, be nice & good &graceful & all that jazz, BUT I just couldn't...not say something. When I say I tried....I REALLY did. I went & sat in the bathroom. Just sat there mad. Mad that I was mad. Mad that I said something. Mad that he didn't understand what I was saying to him. MAD. I said a short prayer to God saying: "God, I don't know what your settin' up here & I don't want to give the enemy any ground, but I already said what I said & I meant it. Just help me speak in a way that my husband will TRULY hear me on EVERY level I need to be heard & take care of us." Well...I'm not tellin' you what I said to him because it was kind of vulgar, but he HEARD me. My point to that story is....we will do things that aren't right...might be right, but don't seem right to anyone else... may be WAY OFF in left field...BUT GOD CAN TURN IT. He took that situation that was full of all kind of negative emotions & turned it into a way I could communicate to him to where BOTH of our eyes could be opened...to understand each other.
We aren't perfect & weren't made to be. We will be TEMPTED continuously for the rest of our lives, but we have to learn to grOW through the temptation to develop the character of Jesus. We aren't expected to be perfect & Jesus shares our struggles because he knows the intensity of temptation.
"Point to Ponder: Every temptation is an opportunity to do good."
Daily Bible Verse: "God blesses the people who patiently endure testing. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." James 1:12 (NLT)
Daily Question: "What Christ-like character quality can I develop by defeating the most common temptation I face?"
From my journal the first time around: I feel like I have lots of things to work on in areas of temptation. I think the main two areas I need to focus on are endurance and moving forward and to not give up - because I do feel like I've been tempted persistently in these departments.
The other is dishonesty...mainly in small situations like where I am EXACTLY (like when I'm running late) or areas where I don't want to hurt someone. I really need to practice complete and utter honesty, but THINK first.
JOY- I feel like I kind of stay a sour puss. I wasn't always like that. I think because I am around negativity and judgement and confusion. God PLEASE help me find joy in everything!!
I have to report my progress :)....don't expect GIVE-UP any time soon. God just LOVES me & sends me people, places, and experiences to fill in all those gaps where the thoughts of give-up tried to live. HONESTY is totally on the forefront....You are fore-warned. If you don't REALLY want to know...don't ask me. JOY....well...I still got a little ways to go with that, BUT I'm on that road. It's amazing when you cut out some of that negativity, judgement, & confusion how much more room you have for JOY.
Buck Up Baby & Ride with Jesus!! He was tempted JUST like us...but had the strength to endure it all.
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